Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1035

Lindsay Lohan fell in love while in rehab. Who wouldn’t? You share meals together, gaze into each other’s eyes, talk about your feelings and share one romantic sunset after another - for roughly $50,000 a month. Pretty pricey, considering a month of eHarmony.com is only $21.

When I first hit the scene, it was just a lot of go, go, go, go, go. I have a lot of natural energy anyway, but it was over the top.

If we’re friends with someone and attracted to them, we’re going to want to take it further.

I read somewhere that hair grows until you reach 40, then it goes in the opposite direction, into the head, and out the ears, nose and other odd places.

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.

I believe everything I say in the show, but I don't walk around in my everyday life like some incensed Rasputin. If I did, do you know how alone I'd be in the world?

Have you ever noticed that good people sleep better, but bad people seem to have more fun when they're awake?

You may be a redneck if... you think you are an entrepreneur because of the "Dirt for Sale" sign in the front yard.

I have no money. I don’t even have a savings account cause I don’t know my mother’s maiden name and apparently that’s the key to whole thing.

“How do you know he wasn’t being sincere, Arj?”

Should women be on any pills besides birth control? We should just give them all sugar pills for everything, they're so suggestible.

I went to the butchers to buy a leg of lamb. “Is it Scotch?”, I asked. “Why?” the butcher said in reply. Are you going to talk to it or eat it?”. “In that case, have you got any wild duck?”. “No”, he responded, “but I’ve got one I could aggravate for you”

I'm "The Guy Who Seems to Be Ruining All Media."

Every day, the hummingbird eats its own weight in food. You may wonder how it weighs the food. It doesn't. It just eats another hummingbird.

Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they'll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they'll wake up, bright and early, sleep in their eyes and say: "Hey, perfect."