Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1035

I wrote a script, and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts, and he really likes it, but he thinks I need to rewrite it. I said, "Screw that, I'll just make a copy!"

I'm like oysters; a few people claim they're a delicacy, but most people find the idea of putting one in their mouth disgusting.

“I’ve got a little baby, I made him…He doesn’t speak, he’s 2…He’s a slow learner, he’s only got 2 words…car and map…I’m slightly worried he’s trying to escape. If his next word is passport we are in serious trouble!”

If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.

Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

It's no coincidence that monogamy sounds so much like monotony.

Ever since I've switched to the clean syringes, I've never felt better in my entire life.

I've been doing a lot of drugs in the last few weeks and drinking less, and I feel much better.

It seems that man's greatest natural enemy is the target.

I think I'll be Scottish in every movie I write. They always try to talk me out of it, but Woody Allen is always a nebbish New Yorker. Why shouldn't I be a goofy Glaswegian?

I just unfollowed myself. Why follow an idiot.

Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.

Ratings for the XFL are so low that pretty soon they'll be able to address the viewers by name.