Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1035
The way I look at it, if the kids are still alive when my husband comes home from work, then I’ve done my job.
You might be a redneck if you have a Hefty bag for a convertible top.
He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.
You might be a redneck if you're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.
My mother calls at five-thirty in the morning. I'm not a dairy farm. I don't like phone calls before six in the morning.
Dell Computers announced they're releasing a competitor for the iPad. Now it is, in fact, a great alternative for people who already have an iPad, but are fed up with it working all the time.
There is nothing interesting about just seeing me doing the show then seeing the fans and how much people love me.
It was on this day that the Bahamas declared independence. Before that they were a British colony. The British Empire lost Canada and the Bahamas, to name just a couple. Britain’s been dumped more times than Taylor Swift. But did they go writing whining songs about it? No.
It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
Yeah... Just get your shit together and start booking yourself again.
I want to do a reality show based on “The Mole” but it’s really about sexually transmitted diseases. And it’s called, “God, I Hope That’s a Mole.”
Dick Cheney finally responded today to demands that he reveal the details of the Enron meetings. This is what he said. He met with unnamed people, from unspecified companies, for an indeterminate amount of time at an undisclosed location. Thank God he cleared that up. I'm ready to move on.