Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1068
I have to stop crying when I watch "The View". It's not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry for that couch.
Do you remember that kid that had sex with his high school teacher? I was reading online that he died today. He died from hi-fiveing.
Gorillas would be less scary with bunny ears. Actually, what isn't less scary with bunny ears? Osama Bin Laden with bunny ears. Ha! So cute.
I was born in Alabama but I had only lived there a month before I had done everything that there is to do. Even as an infant I was bored and crawled to the state line.
At the all-you-can-eat barbecue, you have to pay the regular dinner price if you eat less than you can.
I used to pessimistically think I was going to die alone, but now I optimistically know I'm going to die hoping to meet someone.
You might be a redneck if you have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.
The comedy gods are smiling on me tonight, because for the longest time, I have said that president Bush must set a timetable for removing his head from his ass... and, by god, last week they went in and looked for it. They didn't find it, so now we don't know where it is, but at least for once in my life, I get to see the words "Bush", "operation", and "successful" in the same sentence.