Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1068

You might be a redneck if you have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.

This weekend I pulled a muscle in my cheeks trying to smile.

Going to war over religion is basically killing each other to see who’s got the better imaginary friend.

Your services might be as useful as a barber’s shop on the steps of a guillotine.

Hey, you know who I feel bad for? Arab-Americans who truly want to get into crop dusting.

When we were growing up our parents somehow made it clear that being famous was good. And I mistakenly thought that if I was famous then everyone would love me.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

You've done something alright with your life when the only rule on your job is don't shake your cock at the customer.

I'd like to have some kids. I wanna have like nineteen kids. I think naming then, that's going to be fun. What ever the names you come up with that's exciting right there. You get to both decide. It's like a little game. I already have names picked out, first kid boy or girl I don't even know, the first one that comes out I'm naming him Hrrrrrrrr. I think it's beautiful, it's feminine but it's strong at the same time. Time for bed Hrrrrrrrr... I said time for bed HRRRRRRRR! No cookies HRRRRRRRR! Typical Hrrrrrrrr! Daddies on the phone Hrrrrrrrr. Daddies on the phone. I'm gonna name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoon, I'm gonna name a bunch of them after Transformers. That'd be great. You'd be like Optimus Prime come here for a second. You sit next to Megatron we're gonna have a chat right here. I am the Cobra commander ...HRRRRRRRR, I said no cookies! This fucking HRRRRRRRR is driving me up the fucking wall! HRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Do you know what writing a book is? It's sitting alone in a room for weeks without making contact with another human. I felt like Howard Hughes.

I think there is too much wrong with the world to ever get too relaxed and happy. The more natural state, and the better one, I think, is one of some anxiety and tension over man`s plight in this mysterious universe.

I'll speak for me, though it's hard for me to speak for myself because I don't know who I am.

My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.

When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, "Hold it right there" and then shoot them with water gun.

She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.