Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1068

Bush didn't really win on his popularity last time. He won on scaring people that Kerry might do something stupid like, I don't know, sell the ports to the Arabs.

Valentine's Day is a time to celebrate the joy of being in love. Unless you're single and lonely then it's called Laundry Day.

And then earlier than that there were the crusades. The crusades were totally fucked. Richard the Lionheart, who had the heart of a lion as well as his own. He ripped it out of the lion, and the lion was left with a bicycle pump and not much to do.

You might be a redneck if you have used a bar stool as a walker.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy.

It felt wonderful doing it. But that's rather like urinating in brown velvet pants. It can feel wonderful, but no one will watch.

Hey I was just wondering. Are you doing push ups with your knees down? Because I’m not sure if this is working out.

I may even show up behind the camera. I love to put things together; I love to give direction. I have a great eye for pace.

I don't believe in this idea of, 'That's hate speech, stop it.'

You clap. The Censor wakes up. We all get into trouble.

When rappers call each other "son" it leads me to believe they don't take fatherhood very seriously.

I don't set out to offend or shock, but I also don't do anything to avoid it.

There are ten thousand people in the United States in a persistent vegetative state. Just enough to start a small town. Think of them as veggie-burghers.

Humans are born, weak and helpless. We're cursed with natural predators called parents. That's why the grandma was created. To protect us. Oh sure, she's old and frail. But she can kick your dad's ass.