Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1068

Right before I'm about to talk at length about something I like I say, "Get me started."

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.

To me, the media in New York and LA have always missed the essence of this country.

I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.

I have some bad news. Bjork cannot be here tonight. She was trying on her Oscar dress and Dick Cheney shot her.

I think; therefore I worry.

[Cosby] thought that was my whole act. Like I just walked out on-stage and cursed and left. I manage to stick in some jokes between the curses. You couldn’t give no curse show. Walk out, say, “Hey, Felt Forum, motherfucker, dick, pussy, snot and shit. Good night. Good night. Suck my dick. Bye-bye.”

We're all worms, but I do believe I'm a glowworm.

I want to start saying bad words all the time!

A salamander can grow a new tail in three weeks. My dad can score new tail in three minutes.

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

Today I saw a guy who looked like me in a funhouse mirror. He looked at me like, "Hey, that's how I look reflected in the pond!"

Why do people do things that they fear? It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.

A bum told me, “I haven’t tasted food all week.” I told him, “Don’t worry, it still tastes the same.”