Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1068
My dad was like a stage mother he always pushed me to do what I wanted.
I'm reading a book, because I'm brainy. No, it is a book - if you don't know, it is like a blog except bigger.
You know, it's probably best for Limbaugh because he would have been a minority owner. And once he became a minority, he would have to become a liberal and then he would have hated himself.
[Cosby] thought that was my whole act. Like I just walked out on-stage and cursed and left. I manage to stick in some jokes between the curses. You couldn’t give no curse show. Walk out, say, “Hey, Felt Forum, motherfucker, dick, pussy, snot and shit. Good night. Good night. Suck my dick. Bye-bye.”
Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'
A salamander can grow a new tail in three weeks. My dad can score new tail in three minutes.
I got arrested for playing chess in the street. I said, it's because I'm black, isn't it.
I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.
Late night is no different than making a film, really, except that it's faster, and if you do a crap one, you can do a better one tomorrow. Writing a novel and doing stand-up - that stuff is very similar.
( Unlikely letters for an agony aunt to receive ) I would like to trace my father , could you suggest a good marker pen ?
William Tell’s son, Telly, who said as his father was pointing the bow and arrow at the apple on his head, "There’s gotta be an easier way to kill worms." Never got a dinner!
You might be a redneck if you wish your outhouse was as nice as those at the state park.