Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1069
Ratings for the XFL are so low that pretty soon they'll be able to address the viewers by name.
I'm like President Ford: I can't do two things at once. I can't have intercourse and enjoy myself at the same time.
I used to psych myself up before the show and now I do the complete opposite: I psych myself down. It's 12:30 at night, you don't want some guy yelling at you. You want some guy just talking to you.
I don't know if it's the economy, but finding work as a spiritual guru is really hard. Maybe I should grow my hair out.
I used to worry about porn. I used to be like, “Oh my god, my man is watching porn. He doesn’t love me.” or like, “He’s not attracted to me. ” Porn is not a threat to our relationships. I like to think about it like this. Guys watching porn is like women watching the Food Network. We’re both watching things we are never going to freakin’ do.
For a while I didn't have a car... I had a helicopter... no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running...
Hosting the Oscars is much like making love to a woman. It's something I only get to do when Billy Crystal is out of town.
Our mistakes from the past are just that: mistakes. And they were necessary to make in order to become the wiser person we became.
You forget, when you’re in the Scandinavian countries, you forget they don’t speak English first and they speak better than I do.
I'm going out with these old guys. One guy gave me a hickey and left his teeth in my neck. Another man, we were having a perfectly lovely dinner; he looked up and me and went: "You're not my wife!" Another guy died during dinner. I had to go in his pocket to get the American Express card. Then you wonder: "What would he tip?" Another guy said: "I want you to meet my family," and took me to the cemetery.
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
"Where there is a will there is a way" is an old true saying. He who resolves upon doing a thing, by that very resolution often scales the barriers to it, and secures its achievement. To think we are able, is almost to be so - to determine upon attainment is frequently attainment itself.