Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1069
Now drinking and driving… a lot of people say its wrong. And I call those people the cops. Sometimes you have no choice. Hey, those kids have got to get to school.
Isn't this amazing? Clinton is getting $8M for his memoir, Hillary got $8M for her memoir. That is $16M for two people who for eight years couldn't remember anything.
I used to draw a lot. If my mother would ask me to do something else, I'd have a hairy conniption. I'd just go crazy.
Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.
MTV needs to go back to showing hot teens... before they were pregnant.
Appear tougher or cooler or funnier than you feel and there is a chance you’ll make it.
When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, "Hold it right there" and then shoot them with water gun.
A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.
A lot of people think that keying a car isn't the right way to get back at a guy. I disagree.
People are like, Hey, Jeff, lemme tell you... I'm like, Hold on, let me get a pen and a piece of paper.
One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
Never drink alone, that's what they say. But you know what? If you drink you will never be alone, alright? People will find you, and that's when all the bad stuff happens, right? Just sittin around, doin nuthin, right? You know what happened one time? Drunk, nothin to do. I end up doing what? My penis in my fishtank, alright? No, i did it just to show them who's boss, alright? They were gettin a little uppity. Even the diver guy stopped bubblin, he's like 'bleh??' Then, they hid in the castle. And like all good times, it always ends when your grandma walks in, doesn't it? 'Get that dick outta the fishtank!! Time for supper!'