Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1069

Being a parent is about your survival. Surviving the terrible two's is the most important thing.

I went out with a guy who once told me I didn't need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I'm drinking so that you're more fun to be around.

An apology? Bah! Disgusting! Cowardly! Beneath the dignity of any gentleman, however wrong he might be.

50% of Americas population spends less than 10 dollars a month on romance. You know what we call these people? Men!

I may even show up behind the camera. I love to put things together; I love to give direction. I have a great eye for pace.

When rappers call each other "son" it leads me to believe they don't take fatherhood very seriously.

A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.

The views expressed by me are in no way endorsed by CBS any of its allied companies or in fact me.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

Trannies dress up like women, then try to bang straight guys. They're the adrenaline junkies of gayness.

There are ten thousand people in the United States in a persistent vegetative state. Just enough to start a small town. Think of them as veggie-burghers.

Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy and writing thing.

I could never sit down and write jokes.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Friday's turmoil in global markets looks set to continue to exert a dominant force on the foreign exchange markets. The usual trend when U.S. stocks fall is that the U.S. dollar suffers.