Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1069
I have the worst memory ever so no matter who comes up to me - they're just, like, 'I can't believe you don't remember me!' I'm like, 'Oh Dad I'm sorry!'
Do men who have plastic surgery want to look like a ventriloquist dummy under water, or does it just come out that way?
Thank you, sir. Thank you very much. I assumed you were a guy, you might have female parts. I don't know per-say. And I don't mean to call it a per-say, but it might be... with sack.
I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.
The sixties were when hallucinogenic drugs were really, really big. And I don't think it's a coincidence that we had the type of shows we had then, like The Flying Nun.
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
Friday's turmoil in global markets looks set to continue to exert a dominant force on the foreign exchange markets. The usual trend when U.S. stocks fall is that the U.S. dollar suffers.
I'm willing to write a check for $10,000 if someone can bring to me what I fell is ruining thousands of lives, destroying lives everyday. And I know that you know it's a little thing called Chupacabra.
Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.
This year, I'm celebratedp our independence the old fashioned way: I made fun of fatties at the water park.
She was so fat that when she got on the scale a card came out saying one at a time.
I would rather sit next to a transgender person and discuss why every single one I've met smells like a bar in the daytime than listen to people tell my why I want to have children and that I just don't know it yet. I do know, because I'm me and my feelings are the ones in my head. I don't want to have kids, and it's not a device to get attention or have conversations about it. I simply find children incredibly immature and, more often than not, dumb.