Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1069

I like to play in the low 70's. If it gets any hotter than that I'll stay in the bar!

It's a weird sensation to be mad and learning at the same time.

I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines.

Sometimes American news is like a tired old whore that only tells you things you wanna hear.

On sex later on in a relationship: "I have this! Are you interested?"

A place where we all go can’t be bad.

I like to play guitar, jam out, play the blues, go watch movies. I love movies.

If you feel ill at ease in your own skin get it taliored.

Sorry, Americans only buy things that come from suffering. They just enjoy it more when they know someones getting hurt.

A squirrel is the same as a can, when there’s a bb gun in my hand. Can’t you see that I am just a man? With distinctions… and comparisons.

When years from now people look back on today, they will think the same thing they already do but with more reasons for it.

Jim Norton and Harland Williams always make me laugh.

Well, I don't live in the past like you, so I don't remember.

You never get a second chance at a first impression.

You might be a redneck if you think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.