Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1069
Given human nature, as far as I'm concerned, I think each of us should have a legal option before we are forced to be included in mankind.
Have you noticed every time there's a murderer on the loose they have that advert pop up from B&Q - "this week, hatchets, half price!"
George Bush is not stupid. He's evil. OK? There's a huge difference between stupid and evil.
Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.
I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.
If security guards aren’t allowed to carry guns, I don’t have to obey their made up rules.
Sometimes, in order to follow one’s heart, one must do the wrong thing. Now, I’m not absolving anyone of their actions; you have to be responsible for your actions, sick or well, you have to be, you just have to be. All of us are accountable.
I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.
We had 1 book, the phone book, I’ve read it, it wasn’t a great read, lots of characters, and on the end loads of polish people turn up.
My father said, "Bring along your best girl." This is something you say to a pimp!
Let's all start wearing bolo ties, and when they become hip again, we'll all say we were kidding.
Nazi Germany was so destructive to Judaism not only for the loss of life, but because many who survived began to see the practice of Judaism as somewhat of a health hazard.
If we lose our phones, we lose our phone books. You don't memorize numbers anymore.