Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1067

I was raised in an atmosphere of 'everything's fine.' But as I got older, I was like, 'Well no, everything's not fine. There is stuff that's sad.' I am a really sensitive person. I think I am too sensitive sometimes.

There’s a new slimming course just out where they remove all your bones. Not only do you weigh less, but you also look so much more relaxed.

I’m whitie and I apologize.

I probably owe you guys, like, five bucks.

I used to pessimistically think I was going to die alone, but now I optimistically know I'm going to die hoping to meet someone.

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

My father was on the Alcoholics Anonymous wishlist. My mother was on... parole. And lithium.

We don’t have home movies in my family. We have people’s exhibit A.

I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win.

It's nice to finally get scripts offered to me that aren't the ones Tom Hanks wipes his butt with.

Do you think Americans deserve healthcare? Have you looked at this horrible fat fuck country?

Hey, you know who I feel bad for? Arab-Americans who truly want to get into crop dusting.