Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1067
Experts say that if we go to war with Iraq, oil could reach as much as $80 a barrel. Of course, after the war it will be free.
Going to war over religion is basically killing each other to see who’s got the better imaginary friend.
No matter how popular you are as a stand-up - you can go out and fill a 10,000-seat arena and be smart and funny - it's delicate to host an awards show and know where your place is and know that it's not about you, that it's about the people who are nominated, and respect that, but at the same time have your moment to show them who you are.
A lot of people have a particular song that, no matter their mood, turns them on. With me, it's Eleanor Rigby.
The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.
When we were growing up our parents somehow made it clear that being famous was good. And I mistakenly thought that if I was famous then everyone would love me.
To be as transparent and fearless as I can here are some answers. No. No. Of course. Never. Won't happen. ASAP. I'm too afraid.
I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.
I shouldn't say bad things about the illiterate, though..I should write it. That way they won't find out.
Historically, when Americans don't know what to do next, they go to Paris. Benjamin Franklin is like: 'What am I going to do now? I'll go to Paris!'
If your body is 90% water what have you got to drink water all the time for? Why can't you just have some crisps?
Paralympics... fascinating because just watching anyone with a major disability trying to do everyday chores is fun to watch.