Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1067
I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.
I have no ambitions beyond being comfortable in what I do for a living - and earning a living.
Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.
In Washington, officials from the National Rifle Association met with a group of high school students. There were no survivors.
A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.
I always say there's no more little girls, just boys with breasts. Girls act like boys nowadays. Teenage girls, they go after boys. They're predatory just like boys. My goal is to keep my girls, girls.
She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
I am going to name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoons, I am going to name them after Transformers.
Right before I'm about to talk at length about something I like I say, "Get me started."
Man, it just cost me five dollars to beat my own meat... God bless the United States of America.
I love being from a screwed up family. We have everything in my family: prescription drug abuse, mental illness, one of my uncles is a Mormon.
Never drink alone, that's what they say. But you know what? If you drink you will never be alone, alright? People will find you, and that's when all the bad stuff happens, right? Just sittin around, doin nuthin, right? You know what happened one time? Drunk, nothin to do. I end up doing what? My penis in my fishtank, alright? No, i did it just to show them who's boss, alright? They were gettin a little uppity. Even the diver guy stopped bubblin, he's like 'bleh??' Then, they hid in the castle. And like all good times, it always ends when your grandma walks in, doesn't it? 'Get that dick outta the fishtank!! Time for supper!'
To me, the media in New York and LA have always missed the essence of this country.