Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1067

You might be a redneck if you have used a bar stool as a walker.

In this country, a smart leader is suspect. That's just the way it is. Even George Bush's father, who was a lot smarter than the son, had to sort of prove that he wasn't that bright.

A bum told me, “I haven’t tasted food all week.” I told him, “Don’t worry, it still tastes the same.”

Live TV has an amazing pace to it. You've got to be able to think quick, make changes last minute, and be funny and fast.

Insecurity is like herpes. It's not going anywhere. May as well learn to laugh at it.

Tic Tacs are the maracas of breath mints.

All you wanna do in life is do what you do well. That's when you're happiest.

We women have to stick together.

Thanks cows. I appreciate your tastiness.

Trousers can never be too tight. You have to go through a couple of days of pain, then everything stretches out.

To understand one's self is to understand all of humanity, unless you're like my friend Mike, he's a fuckin' idiot.

Whenever I'm out of town for at least a week, I feel like I should write a postcard or something, but you can be a genius, you try and write a postcard you come across like a moron anyway: "This city's got big buildings. I like food. Bye."

I don't care if you laughed at that or not, the next time you hear that shit, you're gonna be like, "Haha. That Dane Cook is a silly bitch!"

You clap. The Censor wakes up. We all get into trouble.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?