Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076

I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor.

Do you know what writing a book is? It's sitting alone in a room for weeks without making contact with another human. I felt like Howard Hughes.

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

My school of thought is, anything goes, but I can't do that anymore.

What ever happened to freak shows? Back in the twenties when elephant man was born at least he had a job waiting for him.

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.

Texas is killing people in the 73rd trimester.

I was a mostly happy child, though I had a pretty rough puberty. Growing up as a girl is always traumatizing, especially when you have the deadly combination of greasy skin and getting your boobs at ten. But I think it's good to grow up that way. It builds character.

To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very "interesting" ringtone of yours.

I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.

He's as gay as a candle in the wind.

How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender.

I don't know enough to be incompetent.

You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.