Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.
If you want to dry hump someone you don’t know, just act like they were choking.
Do you think Americans deserve healthcare? Have you looked at this horrible fat fuck country?
The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.
I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!
My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.
I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes.
You might be a redneck if three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.
My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.
He’s got a Jewish head which means he’s got a Jewish penis... that’s not great
"Money doesn't buy happiness." Uh, do you live in America? 'Cause it buys a WaveRunner. Have you ever seen a sad person on a WaveRunner? Have you? Seriously, have you? Try to frown on a WaveRunner. You can't! They're so awesome, it's just throttle. People smile as they hit the pier. Because you forget, you need gas to turn. It goes against your natural instincts. Some of you aren't laughing; we all miss your cousin, but not laughing's not gonna bring him back. He's dead for a reason. He was a show-off, and he tried to spray us. "I didn't wanna get wet!" I yelled at his mother at the funeral.