Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076

How can there not already be a rapper named 'O'pinion'?

I am often the one they call “You,” but I am no more “You” than you. I am me. And yet I am more “Me” than you are me or can ever be.

Let’s start with this statistic: You are delicious. Be brave, my sweet. I know you can get lonely. I know you can crave companionship and sex and love so badly that it physically hurts. But I truly believe that the only way you can find out that there’s something better out there is to first believe there’s something better out there. What other choice is there?

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'

It's nice to be in Washington, where the buck stops here. Way to go. And then it's handed out to AIG and many other people.

I can't control what people think this was. I can only tell you my intentions. This was not a rally to ridicule people of faith. Or people of activism or to look down our noses at the heartland or passionate argument or to suggest that times are not difficult and that we have nothing to fear. They are and we do. But we live now in hard times, not end times. And we can have animus and not be enemies.

We go out of our way to make people so different,... to punish them because of color, because of sex, because of size, and the game starts.

I think a lot of the time you just parody yourself.

You might be a redneck if the dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.

I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines.

Britney Spears' album Blackout is one of the hottest-selling CDs in the country. We’re in a bad place, people: The world is melting, we're at war, and Two and a Half Men is a huge hit.

I was in a store and I saw a pocket dictionary and that made me laugh because it's such a specific item. I don't know that many words, and I'm going out... and I have pants. Perfect!

Suppose I could shoot myself in the mouth, but what if I miss? People will laugh at me.

When years from now people look back on today, they will think the same thing they already do but with more reasons for it.