Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076
All the crap they tell you about... getting joy and having a kind of wisdom in your golden years - it's all tripe.
I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
Bush didn't really win on his popularity last time. He won on scaring people that Kerry might do something stupid like, I don't know, sell the ports to the Arabs.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
In this country, a smart leader is suspect. That's just the way it is. Even George Bush's father, who was a lot smarter than the son, had to sort of prove that he wasn't that bright.
I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs.
Like it or not, we’re still a primitive tribe ruled by fears, superstition and misinformation.
I don't care if you laughed at that or not, the next time you hear that shit, you're gonna be like, "Haha. That Dane Cook is a silly bitch!"
An apology? Bah! Disgusting! Cowardly! Beneath the dignity of any gentleman, however wrong he might be.
I may even show up behind the camera. I love to put things together; I love to give direction. I have a great eye for pace.
Just every moment with Dick Cheney has been my favorite. Here's what I wonder about Dick Cheney, and the reason that maybe they keep him only in loyalty oath audiences, is if he becomes angry, I do believe he turns into the Hulk. And so, they try and keep people from questioning him, because he'll just - the shirt rips, and suddenly he has hair. So he's been my favorite, because he just goes out there to a room full of supporters and says, 'You know we're all going to die, right?' You're going to die unless I'm in charge.'