Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076

Love is, and I hope it never isn’t.

You might be a redneck if you have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.

If you feel ill at ease in your own skin get it taliored.

I love life! One day maybe it'll be my own.

Do you ever do something, and then think to yourself: That's So Raven?

When years from now people look back on today, they will think the same thing they already do but with more reasons for it.

You can write a great country record and still be angry. Who's angrier than Toby Keith? He's angrier than the average 10 rappers.

Don't smoke pot. Don't bitch. Don't give up. Go on stage anywhere. Try, fail, repeat.

I live in Los Angeles, I know it exists. I know you're not supposed to taste air.

Studies show American students are becoming less proficient in math. Experts say we should have seen this coming, but nobody could put 2 and 2 together.

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."

I enjoy life as long as it is not my own.

You don't have anything; you don't own anything.

Experts say that if we go to war with Iraq, oil could reach as much as $80 a barrel. Of course, after the war it will be free.

Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they'll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they'll wake up, bright and early, sleep in their eyes and say: "Hey, perfect."