Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1076
I was sick of people making fun of my hair and so I cut it off and I've got much more attention than ever before. It was like when Mona Lisa was stolen from the Louvre in 1906 - three times more people came to see where it used to be.
So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.
If you want to dry hump someone you don’t know, just act like they were choking.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
You might be a redneck if you consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
Do you think Americans deserve healthcare? Have you looked at this horrible fat fuck country?
Hey, you know who I feel bad for? Arab-Americans who truly want to get into crop dusting.
My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.
You might be a redneck if three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.
I was watching this thing on curing homosexuality. It was called “Can counseling make you straight?” Well, I don’t know. Money can make you Republican…
"Money doesn't buy happiness." Uh, do you live in America? 'Cause it buys a WaveRunner. Have you ever seen a sad person on a WaveRunner? Have you? Seriously, have you? Try to frown on a WaveRunner. You can't! They're so awesome, it's just throttle. People smile as they hit the pier. Because you forget, you need gas to turn. It goes against your natural instincts. Some of you aren't laughing; we all miss your cousin, but not laughing's not gonna bring him back. He's dead for a reason. He was a show-off, and he tried to spray us. "I didn't wanna get wet!" I yelled at his mother at the funeral.
The hard part about SNL is, there's no real communication when you get there. It's not like people are mean to you, they just act like you're not there.