Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1075

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'

People seldom live up to their baby pictures.

I've always got stuff in my head in case I meet somebody like Steven Spielberg or someone like that, where I can hopefully say something to them that nobody else has ever said and get a laugh out of them.

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor, I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

I am sick of deconstructing their propaganda, because it's pretty much the same as it's always been. It's just repeating something over and over again until we believe it and we hope that you believe it.

Old people really do have a secret though. You wanna know what it is? Luck.

I’m thinking of buying a church and changing it around: maybe selling crack and having a few whores in the pew.

To a man standing on the shore, time passes quicker than to a man on a boat - especially if the man on the boat is with his wife.

There is no "I" in "Team", unless you count the vertical part of the "T".

I like to play in the low 70's. If it gets any hotter than that I'll stay in the bar!

My cousin is gay; I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.

You get all excited to give her the ring, and it's real emotional, and you give it to her, and she cries. And a second later, you're like, 'Damn, I could have had a car.'

Early in life, I was visited by the bluebird of anxiety.

I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.

Just got an email from a necrophiliac wishing me dead. Hey, thanks for the compliment!