Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1075

Ted Kennedy is endorsing John Kerry and I'm wondering, do you really want the endorsement of a guy with a Bloody Mary mustache?

Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

Christina can sing all the notes, but Britney is just hot!

You might be a redneck if you have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.

Do you remember that kid that had sex with his high school teacher? I was reading online that he died today. He died from hi-fiveing.

We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It's overrun with sheep and conformists.

One of my friends has a stutter and a lot of people think that's a bad thing, but to me that's just like starting certain words with a drum roll. That's not an impediment, that's suspense! What's he going to say? Car?... or Carnival?... Carburetor? Man...

When years from now people look back on today, they will think the same thing they already do but with more reasons for it.

Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving?

Don't smoke pot. Don't bitch. Don't give up. Go on stage anywhere. Try, fail, repeat.

I am really tired of looking at my hips. I’m seriously really tired of standing naked in the mirror and staring at my hips for hours and hours while muttering, "You hips. You hips need to get it together."

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

You never get a second chance at a first impression.