Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1075

My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.

There are ten thousand people in the United States in a persistent vegetative state. Just enough to start a small town. Think of them as veggie-burghers.

I like storms. I like thunder and lightning. What I do during a storm is shag my girlfriend and pretend that we’re taking part in the conception of the Antichrist.

What happens in improv is you create your own storyline.

We're not laughing at you - we're laughing near you.

I'm willing to write a check for $10,000 if someone can bring to me what I fell is ruining thousands of lives, destroying lives everyday. And I know that you know it's a little thing called Chupacabra.

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks.

If you try to hit a grand slam, you’re going to strike out.

The romance is dead if he drinks champagne from your slipper and chokes on a Dr. Scholl’s foot pad.

I don't have to kill myself, time is going to do that.

This show is our own personal beliefs.

This one guy said, "Look at that girl. She's got a nice butt." I said, "Yeah, I bet she can sit down excellently!"

I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.

When I first came out, I thought, I want to walk like a real woman, I don't want to do mincing steps. And there was some girl I saw walking up Holloway Road in Islington who had this long languid walk and I thought, that's what I like, so I incorporated her walk into mine.