Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1075

I've seen women who don't have great relationships with their dads, and it all comes down to this: You have to tell girls you love them every day.

My dad is actually a manic depressive, which is very exciting half the time.

Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you take the meal seriously.

One of my friends has a stutter and a lot of people think that's a bad thing, but to me that's just like starting certain words with a drum roll. That's not an impediment, that's suspense! What's he going to say? Car?... or Carnival?... Carburetor? Man...

President Bush announced his new economic plan. The centerpiece was a proposed repeal of the dividend tax on stocks, a boon that could be worth millions of dollars to average Americans. Well, average stock-owning Americans. Technically, Americans who own a significant amount of shares in dividend-dealing companies. Well, rich people, that's what I'm trying to say. They're going to do really well with this.

I live in Los Angeles, I know it exists. I know you're not supposed to taste air.

I am really tired of looking at my hips. I’m seriously really tired of standing naked in the mirror and staring at my hips for hours and hours while muttering, "You hips. You hips need to get it together."

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

Studies show American students are becoming less proficient in math. Experts say we should have seen this coming, but nobody could put 2 and 2 together.

When asked in his late 90s if his doctor knew he still smoked, Burns said, "No ... he's dead.''

There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.

You know you're drunk when you think that the cab fare is the time.

The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.

I spend so much time alone that whenever I see my shadow I feel crowded.

I wonder if there were any goths in gothic times. They’re like: You look completely appropriate. You don’t look stupid or lonely at all.