Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1075
My father was on the Alcoholics Anonymous wishlist. My mother was on... parole. And lithium.
A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either.
We can all help other people more than we do…. You’re sitting home. You’re on the couch. It’s one in the morning. And you hear, “For $9 a week you can help this starving child.” Everybody got the nine bucks. How do you not give it to them? You got to rationalize it somehow. You gotta go, “Yeaaah, that kid doesn’t look too hungry to me. Shit, he’s got a bigger belly than I do.”
I was sick of people making fun of my hair and so I cut it off and I've got much more attention than ever before. It was like when Mona Lisa was stolen from the Louvre in 1906 - three times more people came to see where it used to be.
If you want to dry hump someone you don’t know, just act like they were choking.
Do you think Americans deserve healthcare? Have you looked at this horrible fat fuck country?
Hey, you know who I feel bad for? Arab-Americans who truly want to get into crop dusting.
My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.
A half-hour show almost doesn't do it justice. There is so much material out there. The 24-hour news networks are talking about news analysis when they have no vested interest in news. They have vested interest in fanning the flames of conflict because that's what gets them ratings. That's what keeps them on the air.
Now drinking and driving… a lot of people say its wrong. And I call those people the cops. Sometimes you have no choice. Hey, those kids have got to get to school.
I have no ambitions beyond being comfortable in what I do for a living - and earning a living.
If you're in a room with Britney Spears, you just want to say, "What did you shave your head for, love?"