Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1077

I'm reading a book, because I'm brainy. No, it is a book - if you don't know, it is like a blog except bigger.

I am going to name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoons, I am going to name them after Transformers.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

She was so fat that when guys have sex with her they ask for directions.

She was so ugly that when I bent down to pet her cat it turned out to be the hair on her legs.

You know, it's probably best for Limbaugh because he would have been a minority owner. And once he became a minority, he would have to become a liberal and then he would have hated himself.

Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.

I'm really great in other peoples relationships.

I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at a World Cup – just pleased to be there.

My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.

I'm always going to be someone that people enjoy watching.

What would Jesus, or any human being who isn't an asshole, do?

I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.

The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge.

I'm a mischievous drunk.