Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1077
Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I’ve ended up in water.
I like the idea that when a guy comes over to the house, I get to say I wrote the book.
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead.
[in regards to the subway breakfast sandwich not being available after 11AM] I'll go "Uh, hey man, uh gimme an egg and cheese", and the kid will say, "I'm sorry sir, it's after 11, we put all that stuff, away. You didn't put it away...it's in the second green cabinet, it's right there. This place is as big as a photo-mat, there is no "away" in the building, you don't own "away". There's no Brink's truck that pulls up at 11:02 and yanks out the eggs under armed guard.
As long as they're homophobic behind closed doors, and don't hurt anyone, I'm fine with it.
Face the fact that there's only one sure-fire way to erase credit card debt. By picking up a big, shiny pair of scissors and cutting your wife in half.
You might be a redneck if there is a wasp nest in your living room.
Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable; that's survival.
Will Ferrell (George W. Bush): ... it seems that liberals and godless tax raisers are trying to make me look bad, by using such things as facts ... and scientific data ...
I've always got stuff in my head in case I meet somebody like Steven Spielberg or someone like that, where I can hopefully say something to them that nobody else has ever said and get a laugh out of them.
Do people in the Ku Klux Klan who die and come back as ghosts have to wear two sheets when attending the rally?
If I had signed my fourth season of SNL, I wouldn’t have ever had the opportunity to do Curb Your Enthusiasm. If my buddy OG Pearson wouldn’t have passed away, I wouldn’t have been in L.A. for his memorial, and I would’ve never auditioned for Curb.