Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1077

If you try to hit a grand slam, you’re going to strike out.

I would rather sit next to a transgender person and discuss why every single one I've met smells like a bar in the daytime than listen to people tell my why I want to have children and that I just don't know it yet. I do know, because I'm me and my feelings are the ones in my head. I don't want to have kids, and it's not a device to get attention or have conversations about it. I simply find children incredibly immature and, more often than not, dumb.

My father said, "Bring along your best girl." This is something you say to a pimp!

I love Steven Wright.

Oh, southern rappers... so hard to write a rhyme when you only know 30 words.

Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.

Ted Kennedy is endorsing John Kerry and I'm wondering, do you really want the endorsement of a guy with a Bloody Mary mustache?

I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I’m fooled by a mannequin in a store.

What a coincidence, they both go to College and I'm a rapist!

You might be a redneck if the dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.

Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.

So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I’m dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over...

Christina can sing all the notes, but Britney is just hot!

You might be a redneck if you have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.

My wife loves me for what I could've been.