Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1077
George Bush is not stupid. He's evil. OK? There's a huge difference between stupid and evil.
Welcome to Glasgow - the city where we punch people who are on fire.
Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I’ve ended up in water.
Sometimes, in order to follow one’s heart, one must do the wrong thing. Now, I’m not absolving anyone of their actions; you have to be responsible for your actions, sick or well, you have to be, you just have to be. All of us are accountable.
She was so fat that when she got on the scale a card came out saying one at a time.
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead.
I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.
If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck.
From this moment on I'd dedicate my life to rock and roll and take as many drugs as possible. What could possibly go wrong?
I think that after you get married a third time you have to give up a body part. Larry King would just be a head on a fucking stick.
I started over again with an image: "Nothing goes right." Then when The Godfather came out, all I heard was, "Show respect. With me, you show respect." So I changed the image to "I don't get no respect." I tried it out in Greenwich Village. I remember the first joke I told: "Even as a kid, I'd play hide and seek and the other kids wouldn't even look for me." The people laughed. After the show, they started saying to me, "Me, too - I don't get no respect." I figured, let's try it again.
My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.