Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1077

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

Given human nature, as far as I'm concerned, I think each of us should have a legal option before we are forced to be included in mankind.

These are great days for exaggeration. In fact, I’ll go further than that and say these are the greatest days for exaggeration in the history of the planet Earth.

I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.

Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.

Sometimes, in order to follow one’s heart, one must do the wrong thing. Now, I’m not absolving anyone of their actions; you have to be responsible for your actions, sick or well, you have to be, you just have to be. All of us are accountable.

For a while you get mad, then you get over it.

I believe people ought to mate for life... like pigeons or Catholics.

I am two lesbians in a man's body.

I love Steven Wright.

If history repeats itself I'm hopeful that I can get out of it with a note from my shrink.

Everything Reagan does, Gorbachev does him one better. Reagan wears the flag of his country on his lapel. Gorby wears the map of his country on his forehead.

Ted Kennedy is endorsing John Kerry and I'm wondering, do you really want the endorsement of a guy with a Bloody Mary mustache?

Passover is a ritual dinner where we talk about the story of the exodus of the Jews out of Egypt. And we have a service and a meal. Then there’s the sacrifice of a live Christian baby and dessert. My family doesn’t do that, but orthodox…

I think a lot of the time you just parody yourself.