Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1084

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

God makes trees, he doesn't write books.

Although I love the taste of Nutrageous bars, I am nutraged at their new, high price.

I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me.

When you're young as a comic, you don't have a lot of leverage.

I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping as we all should. I dunno. You don't live that long. It doesn't matter.

Feeling in love and fear feel a lot alike. They both give you that anxious butterfly feeling in your stomach, a sense of excitement, and a general unease physically and mentally. It's easy to confuse love with fear.

They were going crazy in Kansas. People were up to 9 p.m. I think that was the greatest thing to happen to Kansas since the eradication of the boll weevil.

Whoever thought to name a candy bar Butterfinger has either never seen Last Tango In Paris or seen it far too many times.

Right at the end of the big wall of vibrators, $29.95, big rubber fist. Thirty bucks! Just in time for mothers day.

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.

I'm a late-night guy.

I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.

Once I was doing a sponsored walk. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.

You might be a redneck if you've ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.