Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1084
I am going to name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoons, I am going to name them after Transformers.
I've been running my whole life. Running into bars, running around the world. But when you have a child, you can't run. That was a revelation.
I was brought up a Catholic, for that you get an "A" level in guilt.
Every group of brothers should have at least one white guy in it. Im serious for safety, cuz when the shit goes down someone is gonna need to talk to the police.
There's more than one mosque in the world that used to be a church and before that was a temple. Because it's a lot easier to just change the sign on the top and say "under new management" than it is to change the whole building.
The English are worried about the Euro being brought in because of loss of national identity and rising prices. In Scotland, people are just worried in case they have to close Poundstretcher.
If you are wearing a bandana you better have something wise to say, because you are starting with a credibility deficit.
I’m totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can’t give out a number without laughing. It’s a problem when I’m giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: ‘He must have just stolen it.’
I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.
I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.
I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.
Shouldn't the trophy for the Grammys be a sweet, old lady giving you a pie?
I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.