Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1084

It's the greatest when your girlfriend says to you, "dude... you need to go and get laid."

Early in life, I was visited by the bluebird of anxiety.

If you feel ill at ease in your own skin get it taliored.

You might be a redneck if you clean your nails with a stick.

There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Most people that commit to a life of celibacy weren't leaving that much on the table in the first place.

"You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle"

A half-hour show almost doesn't do it justice. There is so much material out there. The 24-hour news networks are talking about news analysis when they have no vested interest in news. They have vested interest in fanning the flames of conflict because that's what gets them ratings. That's what keeps them on the air.

There's no greater model, in my view, than Jesus Christ.

Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.

How long is it polite to continue to be interested in what someone says after they reveal they've got a boyfriend?

People are like, Hey, Jeff, lemme tell you... I'm like, Hold on, let me get a pen and a piece of paper.