Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1084

I wonder if Socrates and Plato took a house on Crete during the summer.

Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.

I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead.

You might be a redneck if there is a wasp nest in your living room.

Will Ferrell (George W. Bush): ... it seems that liberals and godless tax raisers are trying to make me look bad, by using such things as facts ... and scientific data ...

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.

I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I’m fooled by a mannequin in a store.

I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?'

Love is, and I hope it never isn’t.

You know, I'm not exactly under oath here.

You might be a redneck if you've ever shot a deer from inside your house.

You might be a redneck if you have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.

I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!

A half-hour show almost doesn't do it justice. There is so much material out there. The 24-hour news networks are talking about news analysis when they have no vested interest in news. They have vested interest in fanning the flames of conflict because that's what gets them ratings. That's what keeps them on the air.

President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported him by voting for Nader.