Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1084

I’m whitie and I apologize.

Is it cynical to assume that anyone smiling is a liar and a criminal?

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

I'd love to have a shitty job. I couldn't hold any down. Standup was the only thing I could stick with. I'm an idiot that way.

I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.

Have you ever heard somebody sing some lyrics that you've never sung before, and you realize you've never sung the right words in that song? You hear them and all of a sudden you say to yourself, 'Life in the Fast Lane?' That's what they're saying right there? You think, 'why have I been singing 'wipe in the vaseline?' how many people have heard me sing 'wipe in the vaseline?' I am an idiot.

She was so fat that when she got on the scale a card came out saying one at a time.

When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, "Hold it right there" and then shoot them with water gun.

If a joke is too hard to visualize, I tell the young comics, then what the hell good is it?

It's not that we fly by the seat of our pants. We're not afraid of failure.

I was recently voted best standup never to win a major.

Getting worried there might not be enough talent in America to acommodate all these singing shows.

You might be a redneck if there is more oil in your cap than in your car.

I have an erratic drummer for anybody who's just listening to this, he can keep time, but just in spurts.

Today I saw a guy who looked like me in a funhouse mirror. He looked at me like, "Hey, that's how I look reflected in the pond!"