Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1088

"What was the idea behind Hot Pockets? Was there a marketing meeting somewhere, 'Hey I got an idea: How about we take a Pop-Tart and fill it with really nasty meat? You could cook it in a sleeve thing, and you could dunk it in the toilet.'"

Trannies dress up like women, then try to bang straight guys. They're the adrenaline junkies of gayness.

Why are there so many puritans in this country, and why can’t the rest of us make them go away?!

I love money, strictly for financial reasons.

You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, "Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out."

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.

I just broke up with my girl friend, i caught her lying....under another man.

I just found something in my hair. That’s never a good thing. It’s never gonna be, like, a treat.

Life is full of horrible mistakes.

Think of me as Chomsky with dick jokes.

I always thought I was going to die before I was 60.

I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive?

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

But in the Olympics, in the last Olympics, we, Britain, didn't do very well, got no gold medals at all, which pissed me off. But we're setting up a British Olympics, where each and every event is a British event, like the British hundred metres: "Excuse me, pardon me, excuse me, pardon me, excuse me… I think I was here first!" We should win that.