Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1088

If it is now socially acceptable for women to get fake boobs and fake lips and fake noses, why the fuck can't I get antlers?

If your wife’s hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan, you might be a redneck.

When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

A lot of people have a particular song that, no matter their mood, turns them on. With me, it's Eleanor Rigby.

There's something profoundly disturbing about watching an old guy eat a sandwich.

I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor.

Do you know what writing a book is? It's sitting alone in a room for weeks without making contact with another human. I felt like Howard Hughes.

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

If I need directions, I’m not asking a man with one tooth. I’m asking a man with one leg. Because he definitely knows the easiest way to get there.

This horrible decade where all of us men tried to be individual rebels... by wearing the exact same flaming skull on a bedazzled Ed Hardy thermal. I have three of them, I'm not laughing at you I'm laughing with you.

There's a McDonalds in Hong Kong & they're offering couples the opportunity to get married. You can have a McWedding.

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a two-by-four and a box of three-by-fives.

I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.