Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1088
I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.
We'd always sworn, we're taking 60 Minutes down. You, Frontline, all you guys. You're meat.
I don't set out to offend or shock, but I also don't do anything to avoid it.
It's strange how interesting your dreams are, but when someone tries to tell you their dream you're just like "WHATEVER! Why don't you send me an e-mail so I can delete it?"
I don't know about you, but when they first introduced bottled water, I thought it was so funny, I was like "Bottled water! Haha, they're selling bottled water! ... I guess I'll try it. Ah, this is good, this is more watery than water. Yeah, this has got a water kick to it."
Vengeance, is good. It's what separates us from the animals and the daisies. But, you need something really bad to take vengeance for. Like, your girl friend hogs the chocolate milk. No. But, your girl friend drags you into therapy and lets your family secretly watch while you weep, well, I think even the daisies want to kick a little girl friend ass. And, the worst part about it, is that she apologised. Gave me a back rub and we had the best sex we ever had. What kind of manipulative crap is that?
I don't know, people take chances on stage. It's a big free speech zone, a comedy show. So sometimes things happen, you say things that are a little bit off the edge.
When you're born, you're pure. Unspoiled and trusting. I believed everything and everyone. Then, I met my parents!
Normal people, fear the day their parents die. Screwed up people, fear the day their parents kill. My mum killed a guy, at my wedding. So I can pretty much check that off. But, she's my mum. And no matter what she did I just can't walk away from her. She gave me birth. She gave me love. She gave me the ability to make a cigarette fire look like it was started by the hot water heater.
The weird thing about old Playboys is knowing that the naked woman is now an old lady. I said weird. I didn't say bad.
So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I’m dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over...
You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more.
You cannot over estimate how infantile men are about sex! Men are people that have sex BECAUSE they have a headache... or are on fire, or have been shot in the head, or whatever it is!