Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1088

When in doubt, I can stare blankly. The rubber face. There's only so many ways you can stare incredulously at the camera and tilt an eyebrow, but that's your old standby: What would Buster Keaton do?

There's no greater model, in my view, than Jesus Christ.

When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a two-by-four and a box of three-by-fives.

She was so fat that when she got on the scale a card came out saying one at a time.

We don't have seasons anymore. You know why? We lost the ozone layer. Well, put it on milk cartons - let's find it!

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

I don't know if it's the economy, but finding work as a spiritual guru is really hard. Maybe I should grow my hair out.

I tried to hang myself with bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

They say you just stand over there, he'll say thank you and you walk back off and that's what I thought was gonna happen, but in my head, I had for five or six years known that he was gonna call me over.

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."

You might be a redneck if the highlight of your parties is when you flip out your false teeth.

Growing up, road trips with Dad were something I hated. Sitting still for hours, singing that stupid song, "100 bottles of beer on the wall. 100 bottles of beer..." Dad, you know, keeping up with the song.

Conservative talk radio hosts have conned the American people into thinking there is such a thing as a pro-life, pro-war, pro-gun, pro-death penalty Christian.

I don't have a brother in real life.

I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.