Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1088
If a joke is too hard to visualize, I tell the young comics, then what the hell good is it?
It's not that we fly by the seat of our pants. We're not afraid of failure.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
I just always found it easier to be the same guy onstage as you are offstage.
The dentist drills some more and you hear him make a mistake. And to cover it up, they all say the same thing: "Okay, rinse."
I am the Walrus, but not the one you’re probably thinking of. I am the other Walrus, the one who is less the Walrus in the sense of legendary music and more the Walrus in the sense of his tendency to lie around in places for too long.
Suddenly, this romantic agony was enriched by a less romantic one: I had to go to the bathroom. Needless to say, I couldn't let her know about this urge, for great lovers never did such things. The answer to "Romeo Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo?" was not "In the men's room, Julie.”
I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive?
When you're born, you're pure. Unspoiled and trusting. I believed everything and everyone. Then, I met my parents!
Will Ferrell (George W. Bush): ... it seems that liberals and godless tax raisers are trying to make me look bad, by using such things as facts ... and scientific data ...
To a man standing on the shore, time passes quicker than to a man on a boat - especially if the man on the boat is with his wife.
But in the Olympics, in the last Olympics, we, Britain, didn't do very well, got no gold medals at all, which pissed me off. But we're setting up a British Olympics, where each and every event is a British event, like the British hundred metres: "Excuse me, pardon me, excuse me, pardon me, excuse me… I think I was here first!" We should win that.