Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1089

That's the worst way you can hear about comedy material: from a third person's blog story that they wrote when they were upset.

I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.

If you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian.

I'll be back. I'll be black. I'll be white black.

I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.

I tried water polo and my horse drowned... that was a nightmare.

On stage you're free. You can say and do things that if you said and did any place else, you'd be arrested.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Do people in the Ku Klux Klan who die and come back as ghosts have to wear two sheets when attending the rally?

I'm a great lover, I'll bet.

Imagine Oshkosh straitjackets for little insane children.

100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math.

My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.

His view of the world is one that keeps his blood pressure low, sweeping the cholesterol from his relaxed, freeway-sized arteries. Everyone knows he is going to live till age ninety, although the question that goes begging is, "for what?"

You might be a redneck if there is a gun rack on your bicycle.