Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1089
Credibility lasts about two cycles of bad material, and then you'll probably never get it back. If you let people down, that's really hard to come back from - harder than climbing from nothing to something, even.
This is my favorite argument against gay marriage. It’s from Senator John Cornyn of Texas… he goes “Now if your neighbor marries a box turtle, that doesn’t affect your everyday life. But that doesn’t mean it’s right.”... I think it’s pretty safe to assume that, at one point or another, Senator John Cornyn has thought about making love to a box turtle… That’s not the first animal you jump to when you’re writing that analogy.
Yeah, I'll take lettuce... tomato... and- I'm sorry, did you just put your balls in my sandwich?
Do you think Americans deserve healthcare? Have you looked at this horrible fat fuck country?
The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.
My relationship with American audiences is the exact same as it always has been. They never came to see my films, and they don't come now.
My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.
When you visualize the recent past, do you see it as being somewhere over on the left?
I have no ambitions beyond being comfortable in what I do for a living - and earning a living.
Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.
From the makers of Alien vs. Predator: Alien vs. Pingu. K9 – stop humping the toaster!