Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1089

If you go with Marshall McLuhan's theory that the medium is the message, as soon as you're hosting a blooper show, you're done.

The dentist drills some more and you hear him make a mistake. And to cover it up, they all say the same thing: "Okay, rinse."

I am the Walrus, but not the one you’re probably thinking of. I am the other Walrus, the one who is less the Walrus in the sense of legendary music and more the Walrus in the sense of his tendency to lie around in places for too long.

My foreign policy? Fuck you! My domestic policy, FUCK YOU!

Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.

I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.

I tried water polo and my horse drowned... that was a nightmare.

I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead.

The Security and Exchanges Commission is going to be investigating Vice President Dick Cheney. They'll begin that investigation as soon as Congress finishes investigating the Security and Exchanges Commission.

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Here's what I knew about doing a play: I knew it would make me a better actor.

I was just thinking how unfortunate it'd be to be a fat girl named Candy.

I think the reason Jesus is so popular, just on a celebrity level, is that he died at the peak of his career.

Suppose I could shoot myself in the mouth, but what if I miss? People will laugh at me.

I want to always be an interloper. I never want to feel like I'm a guy who is embraced by the people who are putting me on the air. I want to feel like I broke into the studio and took over and made them mad. If I'm not doing that, I'm not doing my job.