Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1089

If you use tact you can say anything, then make it funny.

I have pictures of my daughter, in the hospital, at three seconds, six seconds, nine seconds, and then fifteen seconds, 'cause dumbass couldn't get the camera ready fast enough. Yeah, ha ha ha. She wrote that in the photo album.

You might be a redneck if you've ever shot a deer from inside your house.

The comedy gods are smiling on me tonight, because for the longest time, I have said that president Bush must set a timetable for removing his head from his ass... and, by god, last week they went in and looked for it. They didn't find it, so now we don't know where it is, but at least for once in my life, I get to see the words "Bush", "operation", and "successful" in the same sentence.

I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!

I’m sorry I didn’t have this revelation earlier. I sleep better and more soundly because I’m not participating anymore.

You might be a redneck if your screen door has no screen.

The greatest three seconds in my life was when I fell in love.

I get the Playboy thing a lot. People assume I go out with bimbos. I couldn`t go out with bimbos if I tried! I scare them off! The women that like me are smart. So I go to the Playboy Mansion four or five times a year, but people think I go all the time.

There's no greater model, in my view, than Jesus Christ.

I don't know enough to be incompetent.

I just believe in the goodwill of people, the power of people to do something positive.

It seems like movies that have heart to them always do well, and they find their audience.

"I can't believe you recently had a baby. How do you do it?"<br /> [pause]<br /> The baby starts to come down...and once that happens you can't-it comes out. Whether you let it or not, the baby comes out. So that's how I did it.

Anyone who is elected mayor of a place called "Sin City" is allowed to be a drunk.