Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1089
Also, as I've gotten older and more mature, I've become much more comfortable in my own skin. After 25 years of doing stand-up, that's reflected onstage.
It seems like movies that have heart to them always do well, and they find their audience.
From the makers of Alien vs. Predator: Alien vs. Pingu. K9 – stop humping the toaster!
Most world religions denounced war as a barbaric waste of human life. We treasured the teachings of these religions so dearly that we frequently had to wage war in order to impose them on other people.
When I stopped drinking, it was only because I thought if I don't stop, I'm going to die.
The average airplane is 16 years old, and so is the average airplane meal.
I used to psych myself up before the show and now I do the complete opposite: I psych myself down. It's 12:30 at night, you don't want some guy yelling at you. You want some guy just talking to you.
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
Conservative talk radio hosts have conned the American people into thinking there is such a thing as a pro-life, pro-war, pro-gun, pro-death penalty Christian.
I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
Why are there so many puritans in this country, and why can’t the rest of us make them go away?!
Despite his infirmities, Strom Thurmond showed up to work every day and did not miss a Senate vote in his final year, though no one is sure if a shouted "Bingo!" counted as a yea or a nay.