Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1087

Hosting the Oscars is much like making love to a woman. It's something I only get to do when Billy Crystal is out of town.

Normal people, fear the day their parents die. Screwed up people, fear the day their parents kill. My mum killed a guy, at my wedding. So I can pretty much check that off. But, she's my mum. And no matter what she did I just can't walk away from her. She gave me birth. She gave me love. She gave me the ability to make a cigarette fire look like it was started by the hot water heater.

When I rent porn I’ll actually get a Dirty Debutantes and a Citizen Kane. So [the clerk] knows that I’m a masturbating loser, but I’m a sophisticated masturbating loser who knows deep focus and theatrical lighting.

God makes trees, he doesn't write books.

I can't control what people think this was. I can only tell you my intentions. This was not a rally to ridicule people of faith. Or people of activism or to look down our noses at the heartland or passionate argument or to suggest that times are not difficult and that we have nothing to fear. They are and we do. But we live now in hard times, not end times. And we can have animus and not be enemies.

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

I had lived in fear of the fabled terrifying visions that assail chronic drinkers, but which had not yet attacked me.

But in the Olympics, in the last Olympics, we, Britain, didn't do very well, got no gold medals at all, which pissed me off. But we're setting up a British Olympics, where each and every event is a British event, like the British hundred metres: "Excuse me, pardon me, excuse me, pardon me, excuse me… I think I was here first!" We should win that.

When in doubt, I can stare blankly. The rubber face. There's only so many ways you can stare incredulously at the camera and tilt an eyebrow, but that's your old standby: What would Buster Keaton do?

Christina can sing all the notes, but Britney is just hot!

People know I have a good time on stage. I love my life. I love my job.

I am really tired of looking at my hips. I’m seriously really tired of standing naked in the mirror and staring at my hips for hours and hours while muttering, "You hips. You hips need to get it together."

You might be a redneck if the biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.

Fake titties are inversely proportioned to their owners level of self esteem. This being said, part of me loves them.

When you visualize the recent past, do you see it as being somewhere over on the left?