Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1087

I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.

Vampires probably don't have great breath.

Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough.

Also, as I've gotten older and more mature, I've become much more comfortable in my own skin. After 25 years of doing stand-up, that's reflected onstage.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

I love bowling almost as much as I love not bowling.

If a joke is too hard to visualize, I tell the young comics, then what the hell good is it?

I am going to name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoons, I am going to name them after Transformers.

I’m the munter of my friends. I’ve got wonky teeth and a lazy eye. My friend Rob is disgusted I’m a heart-throb.

She was so ugly that when I bent down to pet her cat it turned out to be the hair on her legs.

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

Getting worried there might not be enough talent in America to acommodate all these singing shows.

Parades are man's attempt to make traffic exciting.

What would Jesus, or any human being who isn't an asshole, do?

I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.