Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1087

Do you guys have to sell everything? I'd like to buy the Earth's core.

I've always got stuff in my head in case I meet somebody like Steven Spielberg or someone like that, where I can hopefully say something to them that nobody else has ever said and get a laugh out of them.

You might be a redneck if your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, "The feud is back on!"

I had lived in fear of the fabled terrifying visions that assail chronic drinkers, but which had not yet attacked me.

My apartment is infested with koala bears. It’s the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter. And I don’t want them too. I’m like, “Hey… Hold on fellas… Let me hold one of you and feed you a leaf.”

Love is, and I hope it never isn’t.

I did a radio interview; the DJ's first question was "Who are you?" I had to think. Is this guy really deep, or did I drive to the wrong station?

When you're on a movie set and you are hopefully making a comedy, everyone's stifling their laughter. You're looking at the crew guys, hoping someone is making that face like, and not like, this is not working out, man.

You know you're drunk when you think that the cab fare is the time.

Maniac, depressed, and a schizophrenic. My umbilical cord was a crazy straw.

If the gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot, you might be a redneck.

You might be a redneck if you have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.

I want to always be an interloper. I never want to feel like I'm a guy who is embraced by the people who are putting me on the air. I want to feel like I broke into the studio and took over and made them mad. If I'm not doing that, I'm not doing my job.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

You never make secret hallways normal height, they always have to be uncomfortable. Like Why the fuck did I build them like this?! Where's my Lab!?!