Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1087

For me, stand-up comedy is a conversation between me and the audience. I have to keep them listening. When I'm making jokes about cake for twenty minutes, I have to make sure my audience is interested and following where I'm going.

For my scale, how I grew up and live my life, I'm making plenty of money.

There's nothing wrong with the word conspiracy. It just means 'to breathe together'.

This is not a dress. This is a sacred robe of the ancient psychedelic monks.

[about cigarettes] The filter's the best part. That's where they put the heroin.

I'm afraid one thing - I don't like heights. Heights bug me out. I'm not cool with heights. I refuse to do a comedy show 12 stories up. I'm fearless about everything else.

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as '4's'?

I always thought I was going to die before I was 60.

I stayed back late at work one afternoon last week and I had a co-worker looked at me and said "are you still here?" I said no, I left 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign !!

When you're born, you're pure. Unspoiled and trusting. I believed everything and everyone. Then, I met my parents!

Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable; that's survival.

Imagine Oshkosh straitjackets for little insane children.

You might be a redneck if the dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.

My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.

I am what I eat. And I am this especially when I bite my nails.