Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1087

I am going to name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoons, I am going to name them after Transformers.

She was so fat that when I hit her with my car she asked why I didn't go around her and I said that I didn't think I had enough gas.

When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago.

Planning trip around the globe, that is in my room.

I’m the munter of my friends. I’ve got wonky teeth and a lazy eye. My friend Rob is disgusted I’m a heart-throb.

There was a time when people said, "Jim, if you keep on making faces, your face will freeze like that." Now they just say, "Pay him!"

You find out that all this stuff you've accumulated, you could care less about it. It's just the relationships that matter.

Have you ever thought about letting Cheesus into your Life?

The pollen count, now that’s a difficult job. Especially if you’ve got hay fever.

We had our own Olympics and forget the color war. We had the colon wars, which was sort of sad. The rabbi was the head of the sports department, and he said, 'Let the injuries begin!'

I don't know if it's the economy, but finding work as a spiritual guru is really hard. Maybe I should grow my hair out.

"A lot of people like cats. Take the Pope, for example: I read recently that he was a cat-oholic!"

We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.

Hosting the Oscars is much like making love to a woman. It's something I only get to do when Billy Crystal is out of town.

This has been a learning experience for me. I also thought that privacy was something we were granted in the Constitution. I have learned from this when in fact the word privacy does not appear in the Constitution.