Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1092

Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.

They were going crazy in Kansas. People were up to 9 p.m. I think that was the greatest thing to happen to Kansas since the eradication of the boll weevil.

Count your blessings, but not out-loud, at the top of your lungs.

Britney Spears' album Blackout is one of the hottest-selling CDs in the country. We’re in a bad place, people: The world is melting, we're at war, and Two and a Half Men is a huge hit.

God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.

We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It's overrun with sheep and conformists.

Most comedy is based on getting a laugh at somebody else's expense. And I find that that's just a form of bullying in a major way. So I want to be an example that you can be funny and be kind, and make people laugh without hurting somebody else's feelings.

Would you please - stop - taking - pictures - on your tiny - annoying (whispering) fucking camera. This is happening to you in real time, you are having the experience. It's not much point to verify that you were at the event when you're actually here.

You’re a walking tumor. Actually, it’s a big deal when you spot a tumor.

We don’t have home movies in my family. We have people’s exhibit A.

I'd love to have a shitty job. I couldn't hold any down. Standup was the only thing I could stick with. I'm an idiot that way.

Did you know Bill and Hillary Clinton were born under the same sign? Know what sign? 'For Sale.'

I'd find myself more interesting if I weren't with me all the time.

If you're selling something on Craiglist, it's never a good idea to end the description with, "May have lice."

I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.