Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1092
I'd love to have a shitty job. I couldn't hold any down. Standup was the only thing I could stick with. I'm an idiot that way.
Fake titties are inversely proportioned to their owners level of self esteem. This being said, part of me loves them.
Without her I don't exist. Without her, I wouldn't be doing this for a living. Without her, in four states it would still be legal to kill a man with a cappuccino machine. She touched a lot of lives.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Attempt to get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!
It seems like movies that have heart to them always do well, and they find their audience.
I'm reading a book, because I'm brainy. No, it is a book - if you don't know, it is like a blog except bigger.
I meet so many young folks who say, “If I got to go and die in a war at 18, I want the right to vote at 18.” Don’t be no damn fool. You got to die at 18, you better fight to get the right to vote at 17.
You might be a redneck if your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.
I've been running my whole life. Running into bars, running around the world. But when you have a child, you can't run. That was a revelation.
This one guy, the worse guy in the music. The Yanni man. You know Yanni? First of all, anyone who looks like a magician and doesn't do magic, I don't like. I don't even like magic, I hate it. But I love the word, "Ta-da"! I love that word! I don't get to say it, right? I never do any magic. You just cant go around walking, "Ta-da!" "Ta-da!" "Ta-da!" The only time I can say it is when I do something really stupid or surprising. Like if I go out all night drinking and hitting strip clubs and I come home and I still got some money .... "Ta---da!" I thought I was broke. Why does my jaw hurt?
Is it really that important? It's just television, for God's sake. It's not medicine or something.