Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1092
You cannot over estimate how infantile men are about sex! Men are people that have sex BECAUSE they have a headache... or are on fire, or have been shot in the head, or whatever it is!
I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing.
Credibility lasts about two cycles of bad material, and then you'll probably never get it back. If you let people down, that's really hard to come back from - harder than climbing from nothing to something, even.
This is my favorite argument against gay marriage. It’s from Senator John Cornyn of Texas… he goes “Now if your neighbor marries a box turtle, that doesn’t affect your everyday life. But that doesn’t mean it’s right.”... I think it’s pretty safe to assume that, at one point or another, Senator John Cornyn has thought about making love to a box turtle… That’s not the first animal you jump to when you’re writing that analogy.
Did you know Bill and Hillary Clinton were born under the same sign? Know what sign? 'For Sale.'
Your services might be as useful as a barber’s shop on the steps of a guillotine.
My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going to move to New York.
My relationship with American audiences is the exact same as it always has been. They never came to see my films, and they don't come now.
I thought when we elected a black president, we were going to get a black president. You know, BP oil spill is where I want a real black president. I want him in a meeting with the BP CEOs, you know, where he lifts up his shirt so you can see the gun in his pants. That’s - "we’ve got a motherfucking problem here?" Shoot somebody in the foot.
So I'm trying to undress this woman with my eyes... but I got them caught in her zipper.
I just believe in the goodwill of people, the power of people to do something positive.