Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1092

I love being famous. It validates that I have something to say.

There's a McDonalds in Hong Kong & they're offering couples the opportunity to get married. You can have a McWedding.

I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.

Surfing is both an ideological and semantic sin against nature.

I meet so many young folks who say, “If I got to go and die in a war at 18, I want the right to vote at 18.” Don’t be no damn fool. You got to die at 18, you better fight to get the right to vote at 17.

When God closes a door he opens a window. Sounds to me like someone's on the toilet...

When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago.

We don't have seasons anymore. You know why? We lost the ozone layer. Well, put it on milk cartons - let's find it!

You find out that all this stuff you've accumulated, you could care less about it. It's just the relationships that matter.

Easiest job in the world of course, Australian psychiatrist, “Gday Gday how you doing no worries next”.

I think how tan a person is, is directly proportionate to how dumb they are.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

I didn't become a comedian to work this hard.

Is it hot in here, or are you just suffocating me in this relationship?

This has been a learning experience for me. I also thought that privacy was something we were granted in the Constitution. I have learned from this when in fact the word privacy does not appear in the Constitution.