Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1092

You might be a redneck if you have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.

You know what you are? You're a beard with an idiot hanging off it.

I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything."

This is my favorite argument against gay marriage. It’s from Senator John Cornyn of Texas… he goes “Now if your neighbor marries a box turtle, that doesn’t affect your everyday life. But that doesn’t mean it’s right.”... I think it’s pretty safe to assume that, at one point or another, Senator John Cornyn has thought about making love to a box turtle… That’s not the first animal you jump to when you’re writing that analogy.

You might be a redneck if you can spit without opening your mouth.

My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going to move to New York.

Without her I don't exist. Without her, I wouldn't be doing this for a living. Without her, in four states it would still be legal to kill a man with a cappuccino machine. She touched a lot of lives.

Men lie the most, women tell the biggest lies … a man lie is, "I was at Kevin's house!" A woman lie is like, "It's your baby!"

Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

Texas is killing people in the 73rd trimester.

Surfing is both an ideological and semantic sin against nature.

I’m the munter of my friends. I’ve got wonky teeth and a lazy eye. My friend Rob is disgusted I’m a heart-throb.

I was brought up a Catholic, for that you get an "A" level in guilt.

Have you ever thought about letting Cheesus into your Life?