Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1092
I was brought up a Catholic, for that you get an "A" level in guilt.
The average airplane is 16 years old, and so is the average airplane meal.
I have an erratic drummer for anybody who's just listening to this, he can keep time, but just in spurts.
You might be a redneck if you think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
"A lot of people like cats. Take the Pope, for example: I read recently that he was a cat-oholic!"
Just every moment with Dick Cheney has been my favorite. Here's what I wonder about Dick Cheney, and the reason that maybe they keep him only in loyalty oath audiences, is if he becomes angry, I do believe he turns into the Hulk. And so, they try and keep people from questioning him, because he'll just - the shirt rips, and suddenly he has hair. So he's been my favorite, because he just goes out there to a room full of supporters and says, 'You know we're all going to die, right?' You're going to die unless I'm in charge.'
This is not a dress. This is a sacred robe of the ancient psychedelic monks.
[about cigarettes] The filter's the best part. That's where they put the heroin.
She told me when we have sex, that's the only time I make her laugh.
The Security and Exchanges Commission is going to be investigating Vice President Dick Cheney. They'll begin that investigation as soon as Congress finishes investigating the Security and Exchanges Commission.