Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1091
Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn his eyebrows off.
People get burned out in big families, you can even see it in the naming of children. Like the first kid, "You were named after Grandma." The seventh kid, "You were named after a sandwich I had. Now get your brother, Reuben."
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Vengeance, is good. It's what separates us from the animals and the daisies. But, you need something really bad to take vengeance for. Like, your girl friend hogs the chocolate milk. No. But, your girl friend drags you into therapy and lets your family secretly watch while you weep, well, I think even the daisies want to kick a little girl friend ass. And, the worst part about it, is that she apologised. Gave me a back rub and we had the best sex we ever had. What kind of manipulative crap is that?
On stage you're free. You can say and do things that if you said and did any place else, you'd be arrested.
This one guy said, "Look at that girl. She's got a nice butt." I said, "Yeah, I bet she can sit down excellently!"