Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1091

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

You might be a redneck if there is a wasp nest in your living room.

And now the really difficult part: We have to rebuild Iraq into a strong and independent nation that will one day hate the United States.

Normal people, fear the day their parents die. Screwed up people, fear the day their parents kill. My mum killed a guy, at my wedding. So I can pretty much check that off. But, she's my mum. And no matter what she did I just can't walk away from her. She gave me birth. She gave me love. She gave me the ability to make a cigarette fire look like it was started by the hot water heater.

More coming out about Saddam Hussein. We now know he takes Viagra and he has as many as six mistresses. No wonder Congress is reluctant to take action against this guy - he's one of their own.

In Russia, if a male athelete loses he becomes a female athelete.

When you're young as a comic, you don't have a lot of leverage.

I have no qualifications to do anything else and there weren't any formal application forms you had to fill in for stand-up, so I thought I'd give that a twist.

You have to be aware of who you're talking to in an audience.

Don't get me wrong - I'll put $25 on the ground and then if you pick it up and we have sex in an alley, that's not a crime. That's a coincidence.

Count your blessings, but not out-loud, at the top of your lungs.

It turns out that speeding irresponsibly in a large truck, placing personal wealth ahead of the welfare of others, is one of the greatest sins in the Universe...

We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It's overrun with sheep and conformists.

I want to do another reality show. It's based on The Mole. It's about sexually transmitted diseases. It's called "God, I Hope That's a Mole."

You cannot over estimate how infantile men are about sex! Men are people that have sex BECAUSE they have a headache... or are on fire, or have been shot in the head, or whatever it is!