Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1091
You might be a redneck if there is a wasp nest in your living room.
Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
Now I must leave you as you enter the world that is Fuck. You are fucking lucky to be here. It's almost utopian.
I can't stop some idiot from crashing into a building or blowing up a bus, I can only be your dad and give you a few pure truths. Number one, duct tape will save your life. Number two, Tupac is alive, but I need you to keep that on the DL because of Suge. And number three, don't be afraid of anything - except the television news because they're lying to you every night.
The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a pressure cooker bomb is a good guy with a slightly larger pressure cooker bomb.
I was booked into the Riviera Hotel in Las Vegas with three other comedians. We all were using the Riviera in-house shampoo, so we all had equal shine and bounce.
What ever happened to freak shows? Back in the twenties when elephant man was born at least he had a job waiting for him.
She was so fat that when she got on the scale a card came out saying one at a time.
I've been running my whole life. Running into bars, running around the world. But when you have a child, you can't run. That was a revelation.
People are like, Hey, Jeff, lemme tell you... I'm like, Hold on, let me get a pen and a piece of paper.
I was brought up a Catholic, for that you get an "A" level in guilt.