Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1091

But in Indiana it's not like New York where everyone's like, 'We're from New York and we're the best' or 'We're from Texas and we like things big' it's more like 'We're from Indiana and we're gonna move."

I don’t know much about the Supreme Court. If it’s anything like the Supreme Taco, it’s like a regular court, but with extra sour cream.

For my scale, how I grew up and live my life, I'm making plenty of money.

There's nothing wrong with the word conspiracy. It just means 'to breathe together'.

I never say never. Who knows? I’d welcome it.

A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.

I tried water polo and my horse drowned... that was a nightmare.

On stage you're free. You can say and do things that if you said and did any place else, you'd be arrested.

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?

The weird thing about old Playboys is knowing that the naked woman is now an old lady. I said weird. I didn't say bad.

Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.

To a man standing on the shore, time passes quicker than to a man on a boat - especially if the man on the boat is with his wife.

Lots of women are getting involved. They're not satisfied just being passengers anymore.

Feeling in love and fear feel a lot alike. They both give you that anxious butterfly feeling in your stomach, a sense of excitement, and a general unease physically and mentally. It's easy to confuse love with fear.

You might be a redneck if you have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.