Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1091

It's a wonderful thing to be able to create your own world whenever you want to.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

What do atheists scream when they come?"

Life is full of horrible mistakes.

Do you guys have to sell everything? I'd like to buy the Earth's core.

Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.

Don't get me wrong - I'll put $25 on the ground and then if you pick it up and we have sex in an alley, that's not a crime. That's a coincidence.

I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping as we all should. I dunno. You don't live that long. It doesn't matter.

If you use tact you can say anything, then make it funny.

Feeling in love and fear feel a lot alike. They both give you that anxious butterfly feeling in your stomach, a sense of excitement, and a general unease physically and mentally. It's easy to confuse love with fear.

I thought the purpose of education was to learn to think for yourself.

Perhaps depression is a perfectly natural reaction to the human condition.

You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers... damn anthropologists.

I did a radio interview; the DJ's first question was "Who are you?" I had to think. Is this guy really deep, or did I drive to the wrong station?

Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.