Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1093
I just believe in the goodwill of people, the power of people to do something positive.
I was talking to Alan Jackson. He had his second Greatest Hits album. He said, You don't ever get into this really thinking you're gonna make it.
Is it really that important? It's just television, for God's sake. It's not medicine or something.
Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.
Here is a tip for all you young people drinking wine. With pasta, drink white wine. With steak, drink red wine. And if you're vegan, you're annoying.
Is it still okay to make fun of schizophrenics? There's a little voice in my head that says no.
Sometimes girls act all TNT Network because they know drama. That's when guys get all TBS around you because we think it's very funny.
I don't like horror movies because I'm squeamish. But I go because my ex's like to go. They like to pull for the antichrist.
The president is not doing well with African Americans. His popularity rating - his approval rating - with blacks: two percent. Two percent. That is somewhere between Mark Fuhrman and sickle cell anemia.
You won't be able to take your eyes off the next four presenters: Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz.
I don't know how long i could be a vet before i got bored and started shagging stuff.
I have a BB gun and a water gun in case things get hectic. I wouldnt put it past Kanye to run up on stage and interrupt me, but good luck with that.
Valentines day are coming up and a German company has made chokolate in shapes of couples making love. I don't like them... I don't want my chokolate to have more fun than me.
Friends will write me letters. They run out of room on the front of the letter. They write 'over' on the bottom of the letter. Like I'm that much of a moron. Like I need that there. Because if it wasn't there, I'd get to the bottom of the page: 'And so Kathy and I went shopping and we' That's the craziest thing! I don't know why she would just end it that way.