Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1093
We don’t have home movies in my family. We have people’s exhibit A.
I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.
I had to use a public restroom today. Isn't that the worst when you have to, god damb it! Why when you walk into a public restroom why is everything fucking wet? There's puddles, waters all over the counter, it's dripping it's like being in a fucking cave. What happen was there like a shaggy dog in there after a bath? And god fabid you have to use the stall you go in there, you sit down, you try to close the door, which apparently Van-Damme kicked in. Why are they all broken? Who's running in the bathroom like "I gotta shit... I can't shit with the door in front of me! Fucking door! I don't like being in a perfect square when I'm trying to shit!"
I've had, what, two years? Probably five good years. Before that I had twenty years of uncertainty and suffering and ego destruction and poverty. All those things. That'll always outweigh the good times.
I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
He’s got a Jewish head which means he’s got a Jewish penis... that’s not great
You never make secret hallways normal height, they always have to be uncomfortable. Like Why the fuck did I build them like this?! Where's my Lab!?!
To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very "interesting" ringtone of yours.
I don’t know if you’ve ever had just five dollars in the bank, but I’ve found that if that’s all you have, you can’t get it out.
I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, “I am a bulemic”.
How come the term 'threesome' is always used in a sexual context? What, nobody plays string instruments any more?
Is it really that important? It's just television, for God's sake. It's not medicine or something.