Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1093
The Security and Exchanges Commission is going to be investigating Vice President Dick Cheney. They'll begin that investigation as soon as Congress finishes investigating the Security and Exchanges Commission.
The weird thing about old Playboys is knowing that the naked woman is now an old lady. I said weird. I didn't say bad.
And to those people with no children but who think they'd like to have them some day to fulfill their lives. Remember: With fulfillment comes responsibility.
Don't get me wrong - I'll put $25 on the ground and then if you pick it up and we have sex in an alley, that's not a crime. That's a coincidence.
Feeling in love and fear feel a lot alike. They both give you that anxious butterfly feeling in your stomach, a sense of excitement, and a general unease physically and mentally. It's easy to confuse love with fear.
I was just thinking how unfortunate it'd be to be a fat girl named Candy.
I thought the purpose of education was to learn to think for yourself.
I think the reason Jesus is so popular, just on a celebrity level, is that he died at the peak of his career.
You know what you are? You're a beard with an idiot hanging off it.
Well, evolution's just a theory.' And, I'm thinking to myself, 'Well, thank goodness gravity's a law.'
A lot of people think that Jesus is coming back. That's fine, it's your right. But you know, I live in New York, and I think he's running a little late. I'm asking myself, 'Alright, what happens if Jesus comes back tomorrow? What -- does he make rounds to churches?' 'OK, everyone who's been good, buses leave in 10 minutes. I'll meet you in front of the post office. I gotta go. Oh, don't tell the Jews I'm back.'
We don’t have home movies in my family. We have people’s exhibit A.