Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1093
I used to psych myself up before the show and now I do the complete opposite: I psych myself down. It's 12:30 at night, you don't want some guy yelling at you. You want some guy just talking to you.
The definition of "adventure" depends upon how boring your life is.
Lance Armstrong admitted he used performance-enhancing drugs throughout his career. He confessed in front of the most respected judge in the land, Oprah Winfrey.
I have a BB gun and a water gun in case things get hectic. I wouldnt put it past Kanye to run up on stage and interrupt me, but good luck with that.
You might be a redneck if the hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.
Sometimes being lazy can get you in trouble. You ever not take a shower all weekend, just lounge around, then you're running late for work on Monday? There's always one person at work: "Something smells like smoke in here!" "Uh, I went to a barbeque on Friday night. Only had 48 hours to take a shower. Busy."
The average life expectancy rate in some parts of Glasgow is 54. If you’ve ever been there, you’ll realize that that’s maybe a bit long.
It's strange how interesting your dreams are, but when someone tries to tell you their dream you're just like "WHATEVER! Why don't you send me an e-mail so I can delete it?"
People get burned out in big families, you can even see it in the naming of children. Like the first kid, "You were named after Grandma." The seventh kid, "You were named after a sandwich I had. Now get your brother, Reuben."
I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.
Vengeance, is good. It's what separates us from the animals and the daisies. But, you need something really bad to take vengeance for. Like, your girl friend hogs the chocolate milk. No. But, your girl friend drags you into therapy and lets your family secretly watch while you weep, well, I think even the daisies want to kick a little girl friend ass. And, the worst part about it, is that she apologised. Gave me a back rub and we had the best sex we ever had. What kind of manipulative crap is that?
She told me when we have sex, that's the only time I make her laugh.
Normal people, fear the day their parents die. Screwed up people, fear the day their parents kill. My mum killed a guy, at my wedding. So I can pretty much check that off. But, she's my mum. And no matter what she did I just can't walk away from her. She gave me birth. She gave me love. She gave me the ability to make a cigarette fire look like it was started by the hot water heater.