Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1093

I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.

Is it really that important? It's just television, for God's sake. It's not medicine or something.

There was a time when people said, "Jim, if you keep on making faces, your face will freeze like that." Now they just say, "Pay him!"

I say at this point, for different reasons, Bush and Hussein are both very threatening to world peace and to deny that is to be incredibly naive.

I was brought up a Catholic, for that you get an "A" level in guilt.

The average airplane is 16 years old, and so is the average airplane meal.

If you want to feel less sexy put scotch tape on your nipples.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'

I'm really great in other peoples relationships.

I have a feeling I'm going to wake up one day and say "I can't do dirty stuff anymore, I want to go all clean". I'll do clean stuff too, I like to entertain people. Then they egged me on; we shot it at The Laugh Factory.

I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy.

Many massacres have happened when people yell "surprise"! Pearl Harbor. The Tet Offensive. My uncle's 50th birthday party. I was there, man! How many more people gotta die?

Whenever I'm out of town for at least a week, I feel like I should write a postcard or something, but you can be a genius, you try and write a postcard you come across like a moron anyway: "This city's got big buildings. I like food. Bye."

I have a BB gun and a water gun in case things get hectic. I wouldnt put it past Kanye to run up on stage and interrupt me, but good luck with that.

I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.