Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1093

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Never refer to your wedding night as the original amateur hour.

How far would you go for someone you love ? Well, when my grandkids ask me how I pledged my love to their grandma, I'll say, I told her I would die for her, after I found out I didn't have an incurable disease. Then, I ran away while grandma was getting her ass kicked by a pregnant woman that grandpa slept with. You never know when you're making a memory.

The prospect of an interest-rate-hike lifeline for the currency has become even more remote. The coming week will be the most important for the currency of any in the next three months.

[about cigarettes] The filter's the best part. That's where they put the heroin.

Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.

I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.

I'll be back. I'll be black. I'll be white black.

I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.

On stage you're free. You can say and do things that if you said and did any place else, you'd be arrested.

She told me when we have sex, that's the only time I make her laugh.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math.

You might be a redneck if the dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.

His view of the world is one that keeps his blood pressure low, sweeping the cholesterol from his relaxed, freeway-sized arteries. Everyone knows he is going to live till age ninety, although the question that goes begging is, "for what?"