Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1094

The Security and Exchanges Commission is going to be investigating Vice President Dick Cheney. They'll begin that investigation as soon as Congress finishes investigating the Security and Exchanges Commission.

Imagine Oshkosh straitjackets for little insane children.

Old people really do have a secret though. You wanna know what it is? Luck.

My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.

Don't get me wrong - I'll put $25 on the ground and then if you pick it up and we have sex in an alley, that's not a crime. That's a coincidence.

I think the reason Jesus is so popular, just on a celebrity level, is that he died at the peak of his career.

It turns out that speeding irresponsibly in a large truck, placing personal wealth ahead of the welfare of others, is one of the greatest sins in the Universe...

Well, evolution's just a theory.' And, I'm thinking to myself, 'Well, thank goodness gravity's a law.'

Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout but also you don't die.

I was walking down the street with a friend, and he said, "I hear music." As if there was any other way you can take it in. That's how I receive it too. You're not special.

"It's a wonderful day when white people black people and Hispanics all come together, to pick on another minority"

I was raised in an atmosphere of 'everything's fine.' But as I got older, I was like, 'Well no, everything's not fine. There is stuff that's sad.' I am a really sensitive person. I think I am too sensitive sometimes.

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

And for the record, all marriages are same sex marriages. You get married, and every night, it's the same sex.

My relationship with American audiences is the exact same as it always has been. They never came to see my films, and they don't come now.