Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1094

Is it really that important? It's just television, for God's sake. It's not medicine or something.

I say at this point, for different reasons, Bush and Hussein are both very threatening to world peace and to deny that is to be incredibly naive.

What would Jesus, or any human being who isn't an asshole, do?

You might be a redneck if your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.

She was wacko. She was an only child, but she still had a sibling rivalry.

I see those picketers, and I think you know, if I weren't a loving, non-violent, spiritual person, I would really go over there and grab those signs and smash them over their heads and shove them up their asses. But... I'm a loving, spiritual person.

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.

It is probably not love that makes the world go around, but rather those mutually supportive alliances through which partners recognize their dependence on each other for the achievement of shared and private goals.

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

When you're young as a comic, you don't have a lot of leverage.

You know it's a sad day when your child looks at you and asks 'Daddy, are these organic?'

Well, evolution's just a theory.' And, I'm thinking to myself, 'Well, thank goodness gravity's a law.'

You might be a redneck if... Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.

I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes.