Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1094
Sometimes being lazy can get you in trouble. You ever not take a shower all weekend, just lounge around, then you're running late for work on Monday? There's always one person at work: "Something smells like smoke in here!" "Uh, I went to a barbeque on Friday night. Only had 48 hours to take a shower. Busy."
I used to think I knew everything, but older you get the more you see other areas. If you could read everything about both sides, you’ll pretty much be in the middle again, which is the state you had when you were totally ignorant. So my theory is if you maintain total ignorance - which isn’t easy, but I try - you’ll be just as far ahead as if you’d spent days and days reading about the whole issue. And you have that much extra time to play Pac-man.
For my scale, how I grew up and live my life, I'm making plenty of money.
This is not a dress. This is a sacred robe of the ancient psychedelic monks.
Most men would never tell a girl her Pikachu smells like a crab cake. It's just not done. But they would have no qualms about telling their guy friends. Similarly, if you're a guy and you pull your pants down, and the girl you're with immediately stats text messaging her friends, you have a small penis.
Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.
She was so fat that when she got on the scale a card came out saying one at a time.
I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.
On stage you're free. You can say and do things that if you said and did any place else, you'd be arrested.
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead.
I love when you get boner spam for boner pills and the subject is "Be a better lover". Oh, the boner was the problem on that? That’s why I’m a bad lover? Do you have a pill that’s gonna make me care if she cums? That would be a medical miracle.
It is probably not love that makes the world go around, but rather those mutually supportive alliances through which partners recognize their dependence on each other for the achievement of shared and private goals.
If I had signed my fourth season of SNL, I wouldn’t have ever had the opportunity to do Curb Your Enthusiasm. If my buddy OG Pearson wouldn’t have passed away, I wouldn’t have been in L.A. for his memorial, and I would’ve never auditioned for Curb.
You might be a redneck if your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, "The feud is back on!"