Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1094
You might be a redneck if someone in your family says "Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it."
Without her I don't exist. Without her, I wouldn't be doing this for a living. Without her, in four states it would still be legal to kill a man with a cappuccino machine. She touched a lot of lives.
Men lie the most, women tell the biggest lies … a man lie is, "I was at Kevin's house!" A woman lie is like, "It's your baby!"
So I'm trying to undress this woman with my eyes... but I got them caught in her zipper.
I thought, Hey, maybe these people shouldn’t be making up holidays to drink more. Maybe if they drank less they might be able to title their newspaper articles more specifically. For example, I would title this last article “Drunk Driver Hits Drunk Walker Drunkety-Drunk I’m So Drunk.
From the makers of Alien vs. Predator: Alien vs. Pingu. K9 – stop humping the toaster!
You know, it's hard work to write a book. I can't tell you how many times I really get going on an idea, then my quill breaks. Or I spill ink all over my writing tunic. No wonder I drink so much! Then I get so drunk, I can barely feed the baby. That's what I call myself when I'm drunk, "The Baby."
We don't have seasons anymore. You know why? We lost the ozone layer. Well, put it on milk cartons - let's find it!
Every group of brothers should have at least one white guy in it. Im serious for safety, cuz when the shit goes down someone is gonna need to talk to the police.
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'
I don't know if it's the economy, but finding work as a spiritual guru is really hard. Maybe I should grow my hair out.
To understand one's self is to understand all of humanity, unless you're like my friend Mike, he's a fuckin' idiot.