Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1094
The United States ranks 14th in the world in education. Even if we subtract Sarah Palin's test scores, it only bumps us to third. Damn you, Finland!
Don't smoke pot. Don't bitch. Don't give up. Go on stage anywhere. Try, fail, repeat.
Can anyone lead us? Someone with integrity, truth, fire? Someone to create peace and unite us? God, I just described Bono and SpongeBob. We're fucked.
You know who sang at Rush Limbaugh's wedding? Elton John! According to Rush, gay people can sing at weddings. Just not their own.
If your wife’s hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan, you might be a redneck.
Can’t have a favorite. Can’t let them know know if you do. I don’t. I treat my main son and the other two exactly the same way.
I went one time. It wasn't voluntary; it was pretty much court ordered. But I thought I could give back to the AA community, you know, see all those single hottie men there. I could be like a sponsor. Have them call me at two in the morning, and be like, 'I want to have a drink.' I'll be like, 'I have one! Come over!'
Men lie the most, women tell the biggest lies … a man lie is, "I was at Kevin's house!" A woman lie is like, "It's your baby!"
Some people wonder if it isn’t unusual for an accountant to become a comedian. It’s unusual for a good account to become a comedian. I was a very poor accountant.
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
I woke up with a bloody nose this morning. I said, 'yeech, who threw that in there?'
They could have gotten help for this infertility but they believed that interfering with the reproductive process, even if it was faulty, was anti-God. It was against His plan. It never occurred to them that God may have provided the world with a vast array of very brainy medical types for the very reason of solving problems such as theirs. However, there is one thing that the medical profession cannot do and that is save people from being idiots.
If I need directions, I’m not asking a man with one tooth. I’m asking a man with one leg. Because he definitely knows the easiest way to get there.