Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1095

Words have power, you dumb piece of shit.

You know, if you're an American and you're born at this time in history especially, you're lucky. We all are. We won the world history Powerball lottery.

You know what you are? You're a beard with an idiot hanging off it.

You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers... damn anthropologists.

I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at prisons and wait for parolees.

The Kinsey Institute says gay men have bigger sex organs. Hence the origin of gay pride.

I've heard on the news that they are thinking of putting microchips inside babies so that if they ever get kidnapped that you can track them on Google. But what if technology fails? Well here is my solution: next to the microchip, put a fucking detonator. Listen, if I can't have my baby, nobody can!

It’s not enough to say "I’m sorry". You have to also mean it. It’s the same with saying "I’m single".

This weekend I pulled a muscle in my cheeks trying to smile.

We always have creepy people around, a creepy individual, and it starts off when we're young-uns; when we're young-uns there's a creepy person. Back in school, back in the day, which by the way, I don't know if you knew this, was a Wednesday. Thats a little fun fact. Yeah, when you refer to "back in the day" it's a Wednesday. Take that home, chew it, it's delicious.

You might be a redneck if you think a 'cursor' is someone who swears a lot.

This horrible decade where all of us men tried to be individual rebels... by wearing the exact same flaming skull on a bedazzled Ed Hardy thermal. I have three of them, I'm not laughing at you I'm laughing with you.

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena.

I've been running my whole life. Running into bars, running around the world. But when you have a child, you can't run. That was a revelation.