Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1095
My relationship with American audiences is the exact same as it always has been. They never came to see my films, and they don't come now.
I thought, Hey, maybe these people shouldn’t be making up holidays to drink more. Maybe if they drank less they might be able to title their newspaper articles more specifically. For example, I would title this last article “Drunk Driver Hits Drunk Walker Drunkety-Drunk I’m So Drunk.
I don’t know if you’ve ever had just five dollars in the bank, but I’ve found that if that’s all you have, you can’t get it out.
I was talking to Alan Jackson. He had his second Greatest Hits album. He said, You don't ever get into this really thinking you're gonna make it.
The truth is, you win the Lotto. That's really how you have to approach it. You're a lottery winner when you get a sitcom and it goes.
When I stopped drinking, it was only because I thought if I don't stop, I'm going to die.
The average airplane is 16 years old, and so is the average airplane meal.
Every group of brothers should have at least one white guy in it. Im serious for safety, cuz when the shit goes down someone is gonna need to talk to the police.
I think how tan a person is, is directly proportionate to how dumb they are.
Gluten free pizza elicits the same response at a hollywood party that a pile of cocaine did in the 80’s
Sometimes girls act all TNT Network because they know drama. That's when guys get all TBS around you because we think it's very funny.
The president is not doing well with African Americans. His popularity rating - his approval rating - with blacks: two percent. Two percent. That is somewhere between Mark Fuhrman and sickle cell anemia.