Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1095

It's the greatest when your girlfriend says to you, "dude... you need to go and get laid."

You might be a redneck if three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.

Iraq began destroying those missiles they don't have over the weekend. See, President Bush may be the smartest military president in history. First, he gets Iraq to destroy all of their own weapons. Then he declares war.

Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.

I don't like to generalize, but if you see a guy with his shirt tucked into his shorts, he's probably killed three or four children.

They tend to come out a colour called 'Pants left in wash'.

Why do old people drive with their mouths open?

I love bowling almost as much as I love not bowling.

I'm reading a book, because I'm brainy. No, it is a book - if you don't know, it is like a blog except bigger.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

The other guys are selling certainty. Not me. I'm on the corner with doubt.

Throwing up is natures way of saying you need to re-examine your idea of a "good time".

President James Garfield could write in Latin with one hand while writing in Greek with the other. I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

A bum told me, “I haven’t tasted food all week.” I told him, “Don’t worry, it still tastes the same.”

Hanging out with women on a platonic level is like spending time with someone from Europe. It's not better or worse, but it is different.