Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1095

We don’t have home movies in my family. We have people’s exhibit A.

This weekend I pulled a muscle in my cheeks trying to smile.

I've had six or eight hookers in my life. I never woke up the next day thinking "man I'm glad I got a hooker last night."

Without her I don't exist. Without her, I wouldn't be doing this for a living. Without her, in four states it would still be legal to kill a man with a cappuccino machine. She touched a lot of lives.

Men lie the most, women tell the biggest lies … a man lie is, "I was at Kevin's house!" A woman lie is like, "It's your baby!"

Talking with Gary Busey is kinda like sex. You want to do it, you just don't want to be alone when you do it.

My relationship with American audiences is the exact same as it always has been. They never came to see my films, and they don't come now.

So I'm trying to undress this woman with my eyes... but I got them caught in her zipper.

Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.

I don’t know if you’ve ever had just five dollars in the bank, but I’ve found that if that’s all you have, you can’t get it out.

You find out that all this stuff you've accumulated, you could care less about it. It's just the relationships that matter.

I used to psych myself up before the show and now I do the complete opposite: I psych myself down. It's 12:30 at night, you don't want some guy yelling at you. You want some guy just talking to you.

I don't know if it's the economy, but finding work as a spiritual guru is really hard. Maybe I should grow my hair out.

She was wacko. She was an only child, but she still had a sibling rivalry.

To understand one's self is to understand all of humanity, unless you're like my friend Mike, he's a fuckin' idiot.