Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1141

People watching me, I feel like Amber Rose’s tits

I change the situation like I’m auditioning for Jersey Shore.

I just fired my shrink. She called me the "Every-Mess."

I learned that people in wheelchairs are allowed to have marathons … which, to me, seems like cheating, but what are you gonna say?

You young people with your twittering and your creating of content. Or what is it - queefing? I don't know what you young people are calling it.

If you're gonna have a pro-drug argument, start the argument where it starts: I have the right to do what ever the hell I want to my own body, if it kills me slowly, happy for me, fuck you, "clack clack" (miming a pump-action shotgun) stop me!

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just seem longer?

You might be a redneck if you keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

I'm not saying I didn't enjoy myself, but I didn't.

Mitt Romney looks like an American President in a Canadian movie.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

As a comedian, as a person, as a citizen, as a mammal - in all of those areas, I am looking forward to the end of the Bush administration with every fiber of my being.

The more you want the less you get.

I like fearless characters, people just not afraid to do anything it takes to make people laugh.

I just broke up with a guy… it’s hard breaking up with them, ‘cause you have to be like, “Listen, you’ve run out of money.”