Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1141
Do you know what writing a book is? It's sitting alone in a room for weeks without making contact with another human. I felt like Howard Hughes.
Again, America is a stupid country with stupid people who don’t pay attention.
To let people know how quirky and interesting you are try wearing your pajama pants to the supermarket, you fucking slob.
I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York.
Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
I don’t know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I’m fairly confident that I’ll be taken off of it for one.
They got a character on there named Oscar, they treat this guy like shit the entire show. They judge him right in his face, "Oscar you are so mean! Isn't he kids?", "Yeah Oscar! Your a grouch!", its like "BITCH! I LIVE IN A FUCKING TRASHCAN!"
A recent study announced that 52 per cent of all teens who sign virginity pledges recant them within twelve months. If I'm on my game.
Why would these English explorers search for these spices, yet never use them in their food?
Jordan ran the London marathon to help raise money for the blind. After jogging that far with her body, I’m surprised she hasn’t joined them!
I like when people wear a WWJD bracelet, because it’s like an example of the first thing Jesus wouldn’t do, probably.
It's been years since any hillbilly has reported getting sodomized by an alien. Did they break up and not tell us?
I'm taking La maze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing.