Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1141

"Can you spare some change?" is never a good pick up line.

To a heckler: "I wish I was like you! You know startled by direct sunlight."

He plays just like a union man. He negotiates the final score.

Jimmy put in a word and told them that if I made it, I wouldn't be able to live with myself without paying them back. That I'd sooner die than owe anyone money for helping me. Apparently Jimmy knew more about me at that point than I knew about myself.

The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.

I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.

When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.

When you have a good time there is no time.

Whenever I throw caution to the wind I make sure I’m facing the right way so that it doesn’t blow back and hit me in my face.

You might be a redneck if you've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.

The problem with my balloon collection is that people always think there’s a party. "Settle down. It’s not a party. It’s just balloons."

How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been diss-ing them anyhow?

[When discussing a Florida woman denied a drivers license for refusing to remove her Burka and head covering] You know, I think they should give her the license, but then, it should only be good for flying carpets.

I refuse to feel guilty. I feel guilty about too much in my life but not about money. I went through periods when I had nothing, so somebody in my family has to get stinkin' wealthy.

When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised, the Lord doesn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me. ... and I got it!