Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1140

That's why when I send a postcard I quiz people. "Hey, did you get that postcard?" "Yeah, yeah yeah." "Well what'd I say?" "Uh, you were havin-" "I was in jail"

Most Americans will let liberals and conservatives play their games because most Americans don't pay attention.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.

You are the director of your own life story. Don’t cast idiots or people will walk out during your 2nd act.

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

We have many things in common, the greatest of which is that we are both afraid of the children.

You can easily tell if a person is lying and cheating on you if they say, I love you. I would never lie to you or cheat on you.

Break ups are painful, but if initiated at the right time can fuel one's sense of optimism.

I've played some strange rounds of golf in my travels. One course in Alaska was hacked out of the wilderness. My caddy was a moose. Every time I reached for a club he thought I was trying to steal his antlers.

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

You talk about the Pro-Life movement being one of the great shames of our nation. I think, if you want number two, I think - I think it's that. I think it's absolute - it's a travesty that people have forced someone who is gay to make their case that they deserve the same basic rights.