Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1140
A Harvard Medical School study has determined that rectal thermometers are still the best way to tell a baby's temperature. Plus, it really teaches the baby who's boss.
I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, “I am a bulemic”.
I wish his [Frank Ocean] music came out of the closet and admit that it sucks.
Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
Did you hear that we're writing Iraq's new Constitution? Why not just give them ours? We're not using it anymore.
Today I saw a guy who looked like me in a funhouse mirror. He looked at me like, "Hey, that's how I look reflected in the pond!"
They were singing, Gillette, the best a man can get, with a lot of guys hugging their fathers and sailing and riding bikes. I suddenly felt a long way from the best a man could get and I thought it would be nice to get from there to the best.
I am an observer, I like to watch people. I am into psychology and people - how they act and such.
(Unlikely lines to hear on a TV Show ) Welcome to Blind Date with me , Stevie Wonder.
Some comedians change their style, often to their advantage; but I see no reason why I can't continue with the "urbane sophisticate" till the day I die.
I have lowered my expectations, sexually. I don't care what happens in bed anymore as long as I don't make any grammatical errors.
Let me ask you a question. How long is too long to text someone back?<br /> My wife still thinks I died in 9/11.
Barack Obama will appeal to both black and white voters in America. White voters who'll think he's Tiger Woods.