Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1142

I don't know what it's like to be an actor, where if your show gets canceled, really you're just a bum.

Since the dawn of time, primitive humans thought, loved and had poetry. They also pooped on everything. It was horrible.

It's clearly yen positive, especially when China is gradually allowing the yuan to appreciate day by day.

The prospect of an interest-rate-hike lifeline for the currency has become even more remote. The coming week will be the most important for the currency of any in the next three months.

My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.

You'll find as you go through life that great depth and smoldering sensuality don't always win.

I never give advice - I give warnings to live by.

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.

Imagine Oshkosh straitjackets for little insane children.

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

My nitemares are so hip I go to bed eating popcorn.

Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.

I do a public access show with puppets. Puppets called actors, TV and movie stars.

My mom just told me it's impossible to know what's going to happen in life. Except with breakfast, cause she eats the same thing every day.