Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1142

For God sakes, this is a woman I was married to for 10 years. We made love. I'd hold her head over the toilet bowl when she threw up.

I'm against hunting. I'm actually a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light. And I would hear things that sounded an awful lot like car horns.

Space and time are figments of you're imagination, unless the guy you're flying next to won't shut up.

I refuse to feel guilty. I feel guilty about too much in my life but not about money. I went through periods when I had nothing, so somebody in my family has to get stinkin' wealthy.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

Farrah's dressing room was next to mine. There was a little hole in the wall. I let her look.

If you feel comfortable in your own skin it's not yours.

I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks.

I've tried everything. I've done therapy, I've done colonics. I went to a psychic who had me running around town buying pieces of ribbon to fill the colors in my aura. Did the Prozac thing.

Now is the time to strike. The Leader is at great handicap, he has no head or body!

They tend to come out a colour called 'Pants left in wash'.

How long is it polite to continue to be interested in what someone says after they reveal they've got a boyfriend?

A cop just pulled me over and told me to stop blaming my childhood.

I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, “I am a bulemic”.