Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1142
Jimmy put in a word and told them that if I made it, I wouldn't be able to live with myself without paying them back. That I'd sooner die than owe anyone money for helping me. Apparently Jimmy knew more about me at that point than I knew about myself.
A lot of natural disasters, right? It's depressing -- gotta keep giving money, can't afford it. Gets to be like friends' weddings now -- like, 'Damn, another one. Tsunami plus guest. Ugh.' Hurricanes, earthquakes, mudslides -- it's like the drink menu at T.G.I. Friday's unleashing its wrath on the universe.
The 2012 Olympics is going to cost £8 billion which is a lot of money. It'll probably bankrupt London. But you can't put a price on two bronze medals in cycling.
The problem with my balloon collection is that people always think there’s a party. "Settle down. It’s not a party. It’s just balloons."
Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin’ ready to hang himself.
Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.
When you hit rock bottom, you've got to go to AA. They make it sound so dirty. Please, I've hit rock bottom dozens of times. I've woken up next to a billy goat. You don't just give up.
You might be a redneck if the biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.
Everybody I’ve ever met was destroyed by a member of the opposite sex early on and that damage you took into every relationship after that, everybody. Every woman in here got intimidated by a guy, pushed around too much, now you’re new boyfriend tickles you a little too hard, boom restraining order. Every guy here had a woman sleep with his best friend, now your new girlfriend hugs your cousin a little long, boom car bomb.
You might be a redneck if you can spit without opening your mouth.
When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light. And I would hear things that sounded an awful lot like car horns.
If you are trying to impress a woman, leave any sort of "show farting" out of the equation.