Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1142
"You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle"
Any time you can match up anatomically to anything in a smut shop it makes you feel pretty proud.
In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.
A recent study announced that 52 per cent of all teens who sign virginity pledges recant them within twelve months. If I'm on my game.
So I phoned up the spiritual leader of tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck, turns out I phoned dial a lama.
No one smart is having a toilet baby. It’s never like ‘Darling you’ll never guess what has come out of my vagina’
I knew she was Nigerian because everytime she looked at me and was like "I don't know what to order" Well look at the menu!
Don't say a woman is crazy just because she runs away from her wedding.
It's 103 comedians, or however many it is, and how would everyone tell it. It's enough people of substance that it makes you think of the people who aren't there that are alive.
You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name… and you’ve never been to that bar before.
My grandparents had a satellite dish. They were the first ones, like, in 1961. It was like a Jewish one: it picked up problems from other families.
Since so many people these days don't seem to start their families until around age forty, I predict there will be less child beating, but more slipped disks from lifting babies out of cribs. Even the father of advanced age who's not inclined to spare the rod is likely to suffer more than his victim: The first punch he throws might well be the last straw for his rotator cuff, reducing his disciplinary options to mere verbal abuse and napping.