Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1178

High definition ruined a lot of things that I used to hold sacrosanct in pornography.

I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone needs to get a hold of me they just say, "Mitch," and I say, "what" and turn my head slightly.

But don't you hate it, guys? You're at the beach and there's no place to change into your trunks. So you wrap a towel around yourself, so no-one sees your face.

This is just a hunch, but I bet airplanes think helicopters are assholes.

Silly things make you laugh and if they do, fuck it. I was on a train and we went through a place called Didcot Ladygrove. I was laughing already, but my friend topped it by going, “I’ll bet that’s what the Queen calls her vagina.”

I’m beginning to have morning sickness. I’m not having a baby, I’m just sick of morning.

Don’t be intimidated by my outfit, it’s Forever 21.

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

A friend of mine once sent me a postcard with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said 'Wish you were here.'

I didn’t know angels flew this close to the ground. Maybe that’s because this angels gained a few pounds since we started going out.

My friend said to me, "You're unreal - you'd fuck anything with a pulse!" A pulse? I'm not that fussy!

Standing in a garage no more makes you a car than standing in a church makes you a Christian.

My nan used to look after me in the summer holidays and she had a cat with one eye. It used to walk into walls and tables. I used to think it was hilarious. It was a slapstick cat.

Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.

We're born alone and we die alone. So in between, let's spend time with people that make us feel good... or at least put-out.