Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1178

Remember the good old days when "smuggling an underwear bomb" meant walking around with shit in your pants?

All of Dad's relationships ended exactly the same: subpoena, beep of a moving van backing up the driveway, pile of his clothes burning on the front lawn.

I love having an open seat next to me on the train. What’s even better is when my seat is open too because I just stayed home.

Parenthood requires saying things you never thought you'd say, like, "Sit still and let me wipe your butt!"

You might be a redneck if momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.

Or you'll get on your cell phone, which is really smart. "Oh I'm gonna be late!" That's fuckin smart: to drive with one of those fuckin things in your hand. It's bad enough that people are in supermarkets -- "Honey, I love you." FUCK YOU, okay? Shut-up! I'm trying to buy a tomato, okay, got it? I'm even carrying mine, this piece of shit. This is Sprint. [someone cheers] Oh.. FUCK SPRINT. okay? You work for those idiots, I need to talk to you. "Every call is crystal clear." Yeah, right: to yourself! You can hear you!

Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.

Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?

There is no fast, easy shortcut for the word "abbreviation."

I had to take a physical to do this show. They had a lot of weird questions like, "Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?"

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."

Isn't Bush the worst president ever? I mean, when his term is over, he has to walk back to Texas.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

People don’t realize that the future is just now, but later.