Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1178
Silly things make you laugh and if they do, fuck it. I was on a train and we went through a place called Didcot Ladygrove. I was laughing already, but my friend topped it by going, “I’ll bet that’s what the Queen calls her vagina.”
I’m beginning to have morning sickness. I’m not having a baby, I’m just sick of morning.
Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor... I was committed!
They were singing, Gillette, the best a man can get, with a lot of guys hugging their fathers and sailing and riding bikes. I suddenly felt a long way from the best a man could get and I thought it would be nice to get from there to the best.
A friend of mine once sent me a postcard with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said 'Wish you were here.'
Standing in a garage no more makes you a car than standing in a church makes you a Christian.
I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.
I had jobs that were as short as an hour and a half. One was putting circulars into newspapers, and I worked at it for 90 minutes before I said “I’m going to the bathroom” and never came back. I never spent a lot of time at a boring job. I’d either quit, or I’d try to make it fun and they would try to fire me. When I worked for a collections agency, I’d fuck with people until it became like a Jerky Boys routine. My bosses would tell me, “You’re still supposed to get the money from them.”
If I were a bad black comic I would name my special, "Yo mama, and other stories of a lack of self awareness".
I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.
You're 18 years old, you're in a 7-11, you don't know shit about shit and PULL UP YOUR PANTS!
I don't trust you. I don't like you, and I don't respect you. That being said, I'm bored out of my mind and I'd like to invite you to dinner.