Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1178

Crap, I have a new obsession... I second-guess other people.

Most public bathrooms now have automatic toilet sensors. People can't even be trusted to flush.

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

Why are they called a-part-ments, when they're all stuck together?

Now that the Sanctity and Holiness of heterosexual marriage has been destroyed, are they going to cancel The Bachelor?

A metaphor is like a simile.

If we can send a person to the moon, we can send someone with AIDS to the moon, and then someday we can send everybody with AIDS to the moon.

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

Every day I ran to that book like it was a bottle of whiskey and crawled inside because it was a world that I had at least some control over, and slowly, in time, it began to take shape.

To me, comedy is a game.

You might be a redneck if you've totaled every car you've ever owned.

Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.

I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, "Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart."

The baby is fine. The only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Robinson.

You're gay, you sell books... you probably shag the books.