Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1178

I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

Radio is a bag of mediocrity where little men with carbon minds wallow in sluice of their own making.

When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

Saying someone is religious is heard in most of America as a compliment, a reassuring affirmation that someone will be moral, ethical, and after a few glasses of wine, a freak in the bedroom.

I really don't require a whole lot in life.

Some people are widely read. I'm thinly read.

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

I'm single. I often think about my future wife and how lax she's been about getting in touch with me.

You might be a redneck if you were shooting pool when your kids were born.

When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.

When I was growing up they used to say, "Robin, drugs can kill you." Now that I'm 58 my doctor's telling me, "Robin, you need drugs to live." I realize now that my doctor is also my dealer...

I don't cook... I don't know how to clean... there's may be a good chance I'm an alcoholic.

I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal, and then I don't do anything for an hour. Why do I need the instant oatmeal? I could get the regular oatmeal and feel productive.

America doesn't need libraries; you don’t need books here. There are plenty of books in the world, and plenty of people who've read them. It's not your area of expertise.... Stick to what you are truly great at -- TV.

I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.