Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1179

People don’t realize that the future is just now, but later.

After you do standup for for, like, five years, you're kind of screwed because you have no other skills. You can't get other jobs. It's like being in prison: you're not suitable for any other career.

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.

A traffic policeman stops Sister Bridget for speeding. She pulls into the side of the road and winds down her window. The officer walks round and starts undoing his fly. "Oh dear," she says, "Not the breathalyser again."

You rarely get a convincing lecture on "playing to your strength" from a bald guy with a ponytail.

Corn is the only food you hold like corn.

I need you to love me, I don’t like me, either, if that helps.

My dad's full of encouragement and support. It just feels like abandonment and neglect.

"I recently bought the box set of 'Doctor Who' and watched it back to back, Unfortunately I wasn't the one facing the TV!"

You might be a redneck if you’ve got more than three cousins named "Bubba."

You might be a redneck if your wife has ever burned out an electric razor.

I know these jokes aren't great, ladies and gentlemen, see this is the problem you run into when you're between impeachments.

I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can’t get the cobwebs out of her hair.

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".