Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1179

They're working their way down. Next year, Todd Bridges gets the award. When I was a kid I wanted to be Eddie Murphy and now I'm a rip-off of Eddie Murphy."

In a speech yesterday John Kerry said that before November he may go to Iraq. Is that a good idea for him to go to Iraq? You thought Bush didn't have a reason to bomb Iraq before.

She was so fat that she has a dress with a sign on the back that says "caution wide load".

Did you know you can have an Irish abortion, but there is a 12 month waiting list?

Did you hear that we're writing Iraq's new Constitution? Why not just give them ours? We're not using it anymore.

This man dresses like an unmade bed.

You might be a redneck if your coat-of-arms features kudzu.

"Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my grandad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family."

Living is messy.

The only time used underwear is valuable is as evidence during a rape trial.

I like to be able to connect with people. And that’s how I connect, right away. I like to really talk to somebody. To me, it makes my night more interesting.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

My father has a high opinion of his opinion.

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".