Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1179
You might be a redneck if you list your parole officer as a reference.
There's nothing like the discovery of an unknown work by a great thinker to set the intellectual community atwitter and cause academics to dark about like those things one sees when looking at a drop of water under a microscope.
How do I ask my shrink to stop responding to everything I say with, "Too much information!" and then giggling behind a pillow?
The thing is, comedy's gone in a weird direction. People are really into ironic comedy and fakeness and cleverness.
Radio is a bag of mediocrity where little men with carbon minds wallow in sluice of their own making.
I was doing comedy in laundry mats in 1992, literally where I would bring a little gorilla amp and a lapel mike and just start performing.
They say the measure of a man is judged by the company he keeps. <br /> [ looks around] I'm fucked.
I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."
I turned down a movie this summer because it was nine weeks in Vancouver and my oldest daughter is 14. I've got four more summers with her. I'm not giving away nine weeks of her summer to go do a silly movie.
According to the L.A. Times, Attorney General John Ashcroft wants to take "a harder stance" on the death penalty. What's a harder stance on the death penalty? We're already killing the guy? How do you take a harder stance on the death penalty? What, are you going to tickle him first? Give him itching powder? Put a thumbtack on the electric chair?
My dad told me if I was ever intimidated by anyone, just picture them with their clothes off. He said that's how he dealt with my mom.
You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.