Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1177

You might be a redneck if you pick your teeth from a catalog.

I really don't require a whole lot in life.

Water polo would be much more interesting if they hadn't gotten rid of the horses.

Don't take death for granted.

This book is just a collection of my drawings. I never really showed them to anybody but my wife, and she always laughed at them.

Homo sapiens are the only mammals who intentionally hold "Beard Of Bees" competitions.

When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So I would... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Love is a crocodile just above the water line waiting to attack the innocent herbivore of my freedom.

We’re looking for answers in a landfill instead of looking to people who bring the light.

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

I had no musical or athletic ability, and I wasn't particularly good looking. Comedy was something I could do for attention.

There was another war-related casualty today. The French were injured when they tried to jump on our bandwagon.

More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.