Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1177

I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit gum.

I told him I think my wife has V.D. he gave himself a shot of penicillin.

Congratulations on passing your test! Your HIV positive.

You might be a redneck if you have ever been accused of lying through your tooth.

Most public bathrooms now have automatic toilet sensors. People can't even be trusted to flush.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

A casino in South Dakota was robbed by a man dressed as a mummy. The police described the suspect as anywhere between 25 and 8,000 years old.

You're 18 years old, you're in a 7-11, you don't know shit about shit and PULL UP YOUR PANTS!

I hated my last boss. He asked, “Why are you two hours late?” I said, “I fell downstairs.” He said, “That doesn’t take two hours.”

You always think another time would have been ideal for you... the reality is there was no novocaine when you went to the dentist.

My uncle put his finger in my no-no!

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

I’m not giving up on life. I’m giving up on today.

If I owned a network, I would never let a guy just put people on without telling me who they are.

I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"