Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1185

It's nice to live in a country that has its priorities straight: the library's open three hours a week, and the House of Fist is 24/7.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Look, there is nothing you can say about this show that I don't already know.

We'll never see national shows with 45 shares again.

If you've never had a colonic, imagine getting butt raped by a melting snowman. If you have had a colonic, are you sure it was a colonic?

I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.

And yet, people still turn to Jesus. You will notice though that the kind of people who turn to Jesus tend to be the sort of people who haven't done that well with everybody else.

My uncles were all funny. My dad wasn’t funny, but my uncles were all funny. Now I go back and I like him better than them, they were manipulative funny.

Assassinating someone is another way of saying "I care", just not in the way they'd want you to.

I had to take a physical to do this show. They had a lot of weird questions like, "Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?"

I liked "Slaughterhouse 5", but I can't find the first four anywhere.

If I had a Volkswagon Beetle. I'd paint the front to resemble Glenn Langdon in War Of The Colossal Beast. Why? Two words: "The Ladies."

I just found out that I have more allies than America!

The moon may be smaller than the earth, but it’s further away.

Lot of debate about the war lately. Democrats saying pull out. Republicans saying finish the job. It’s like the angel and devil on my shoulders during sex.