Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1185

Life is a little easier for attractive people. Think about it, if a stranger smiles at you and they’re attractive, you think, “Oh, they’re nice.” But if the stranger’s ugly, you’re like, “What do they want? Get away from me weirdo.”

President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can't pronounce Schwarzenegger.

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

You might be a redneck if you have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.

Every now and then I'll read a book, I'll be so proud of myself, I'll try and squeeze it into conversation. People will be like, "Hey Jim, how ya do-" "I read a book! Two hundred and fifty pages!" "That's great, what was it about?" "No idea! Took me three years!"

If you're keeping score at home, so far our war in Iraq has created a police state in that country and socialism in Spain. So, no democracies yet, but we're really getting close.

You might be a redneck if motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

All of Dad's relationships ended exactly the same: subpoena, beep of a moving van backing up the driveway, pile of his clothes burning on the front lawn.

Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.

You might be a redneck if you keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

You might be a redneck if you think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouvre.

I like fearless characters, people just not afraid to do anything it takes to make people laugh.

My wife, she can't cook at all. When we go on a picnic, I bring Tums for the ants.