Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1186
My wife had a go at me last night. She said, "You'll drive me to my grave." I had the car out in thirty seconds.
You know, it's really rude to yell at your cock in front of people, and I apologize.
Strippers should be role-models for little girls. If only for the fact that they wax their assholes.
You might be a redneck if you have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
You're 18 years old, you're in a 7-11, you don't know shit about shit and PULL UP YOUR PANTS!
Because it's much more pleasant to be obsessed over how the hero gets out of his predicament than it is over how I get out of mine.
When you're a father you censor yourself. You get just as angry with a child but you don't want to say, "What the filth and foul and I'll filth and foul, filth and foul and, yeah, ya filth and foul face, and I'll filth and foul, foul, filth!" You don't want to say that to a child so you censor yourself and you sound like an idiot: "What the... Get your... I'll put a... Get out of my face!"
I love the United States. I have applied for citizenship. I want to take the oath of allegiance on TV.
I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
If your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home, you might be a redneck.
Saw a lost dog sign with a pic of the dog and a little boy hugging it. I'm assuming the kids safe and we're just focusing on the pooch.
I’ll defend child pornography, how about that? What’s wrong with seeing some child pornography? What if you watch child pornography because you find it hilarious? Then should it not a protected freedom of speech?