Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1184
Every day I ran to that book like it was a bottle of whiskey and crawled inside because it was a world that I had at least some control over, and slowly, in time, it began to take shape.
If you're a cartoon character or most TV characters, sure, you'll fight, because the punches are juicy-sounding and they don't leave marks. But in real life, if somebody punches you in the eye, it doesn't make any noise and your eye is swollen for, like, six months. It's a nightmare to get punched in the eye.
I have fun acting, and I want to do more of it, and I want to direct my own movie.
If you carry a paperback book in your back pocket, but spend more time on your hair than you do reading it, you're probably a bad actor.
You might be a redneck if you've ever shot anyone for looking at you.
It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?
But long story short, I didn't start doing stand-up because I wanted to have a TV show or be an actor or even wanted to write sketch comedy. I got into stand-up because I love stand-up.
I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.
I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, "Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart."
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.
Americans continue to rapidly homogenize ourselves into a neutered oblivion. For a country founded on the protection of the unique, we relish our sameness.
You might be a redneck if none of your shirts cover your stomach.