Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1184

Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin size bed, wondering where my brother was.

It's Thursday and it really feels like a Thursday. Sometimes things just work out.

The only reason I think I would marry a foreigner would be to have kids with weird accents.

If I cut myself shaving, sausage gravy comes out. That’s why I always keep a little pile of biscuits next to the sink.

More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

I need you to love me, I don’t like me, either, if that helps.

Silly things make you laugh and if they do, fuck it. I was on a train and we went through a place called Didcot Ladygrove. I was laughing already, but my friend topped it by going, “I’ll bet that’s what the Queen calls her vagina.”

[On the Catholic Church's sex scandals] And y'know, they're God's representatives, so that means... God fucks little boys.

I have my website, The Ruckus, which is an Internet site, similar to the Funny or Die format, where people post funny videos. I get a chance to rate their videos; they get a chance to blog and kick it with me.

I love people of all ethnicities, as long as they’re not ugly.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

And then before going back for my sophomore year, I decided to change my major to arts and sciences, and my dad cut a deal with me: He said if I'd quit school he'd pay my rent for the next three years, as if I were in school.

I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar.

Life is a little easier for attractive people. Think about it, if a stranger smiles at you and they’re attractive, you think, “Oh, they’re nice.” But if the stranger’s ugly, you’re like, “What do they want? Get away from me weirdo.”