Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1184

I was going up to the bathroom and a woman asked me: "Have you a good memory for faces?" I asked why and she said: "Because there isn't a mirror up there."

More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

I don’t really hang out with people. I like to be by myself. In fact, I’ve been arrested a few times because I like to walk around at two or three in the morning, looking at shop windows. The cops take me to the station and fingerprint me. But I wouldn’t call that hanging out.

Living is messy.

The tie's a multi purpose accessory, y'know, belt, school boy, Rambo.

I lost my virginity alone... at least that's what the chick told me.

I've always wanted children... not of my own, but for yard work and reaching into tight places to get things I've dropped.

Artistic idols of mine who died got an average mention of 22 seconds on the local news. Bottom-line fame-seekers, sleep with news anchors.

Writing a new film about cereal killers. Not serial killers, cereal killers. The main character can eat two, three boxes at a time.

I’m the Forrest Gump of comedy.

Will Ferrell (George W. Bush): ... I come to you tonight amist a very important election between 2 very qualified candidates, the hot lady [Sarah Palin] and the Tiger Woods guy [Barack Obama] ...

When you break life down, it's about 100% time management.

You're pregnant? Congratulations, the world needs another mindless, semiliterate consumer.

You might be a redneck if you consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.

When I was growing up they used to say, "Robin, drugs can kill you." Now that I'm 58 my doctor's telling me, "Robin, you need drugs to live." I realize now that my doctor is also my dealer...