Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1184
And then before going back for my sophomore year, I decided to change my major to arts and sciences, and my dad cut a deal with me: He said if I'd quit school he'd pay my rent for the next three years, as if I were in school.
People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine.
I like storms. I like thunder and lightning. What I do during a storm is shag my girlfriend and pretend that we’re taking part in the conception of the Antichrist.
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
One day I'd like to beat you at your own game, but your game is badmitton so that will probably never happen.
You might be a redneck if you hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
You might be a redneck if you've totaled every car you've ever owned.
Valentine's Day money-saving tip: Break up on February 13th, get back together on the 15th.
If your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home, you might be a redneck.
I’ve created an atmosphere where I’m a friend first, boss second. Probably entertainer third.
It's nice to live in a country that has its priorities straight: the library's open three hours a week, and the House of Fist is 24/7.