Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1195

We kinda hated sitcoms when we sat down and talked about this. We wanted to do something that was in the sitcom vain but totally different.

When a ladder was stolen from a store the manager said that further steps would be taken.

I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.

Have a good night pals. I mean someone has to.

I'd like you much better if you didn't like yourself so much.

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

I went to the Home Depot, which was unnecessary. I need to go to the Apartment Depot. Which is just a big warehouse with a whole lot of people standing around saying "We don't have to fix anything."

NBC - no body cares.

I really don't work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am. It's really made the touring a lot less grueling. A lot of people get to this level and they're like, "Now I do four cities in one week" and they tour nonstop. I'm like, "No, that sounds miserable. I'll just do two weekends a month." But whenever I'm in some awful place geographically, it's no longer that awful, because you've got the Internet and television.

If I had a Volkswagon Beetle. I'd paint the front to resemble Glenn Langdon in War Of The Colossal Beast. Why? Two words: "The Ladies."

People don’t realize that the future is just now, but later.

I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.

I'm pretty sure whoever said, "people are wonderful" spent very little time with people.

I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.