Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1195

Parenthood seems really rewarding... like martyrdom, but without the glamour.

I’ll defend child pornography, how about that? What’s wrong with seeing some child pornography? What if you watch child pornography because you find it hilarious? Then should it not a protected freedom of speech?

I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game he was watching was better.

You might be a redneck if... your child's first words are 'Attention K-Mart shoppers!'

Men and women we look at movie so differently. Men look at how much money is spent. Women look at how much money is saved. If it just cost $300 and if I get it for $150 what have I done ladies? Saved $150. Of course. My husband thinks I’ve spent $150. What’s it like in there?

I think comedy comes more from a low sense of self-esteem, and I certainly have that.

People don’t realize that the future is just now, but later.

I hate you Google. You’ve caused a lot of problems in my relationship. I share a computer with my girlfriend. She’ll look up anything. “I’m going to look up apples today.” She just hits “A.” It’s like, “Asian Ass Porn” instantly. Google’s like, “I’ll take it from here. I know exactly what you’re looking up. Any time you hit A it’s ‘Asian Ass Porn.’” Google, all I ask is you let her type three letters before you come to such a bold conclusion.

I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings!

You should laugh everywhere you can find even the slightest glimmer of humour.

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

I aim to please. I'm nothing if not a vaudevillian.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

I proved to my own satisfaction that I am madder than I think.

Now the ACLU is fighting to overturn a Mississippi state law that stops homosexuals from adopting children. You know folks, I’m no expert on the subject, but if you’re gay and you’ve chosen to set up shop in Mississippi… even I’m reasonably sure you’re not equipped to adopt children, okay?