Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1195
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
Every day I ran to that book like it was a bottle of whiskey and crawled inside because it was a world that I had at least some control over, and slowly, in time, it began to take shape.
You might be a redneck if momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.
It was the coldest winter ever! I thought last winter was the coldest winter ever, but I was wrong now wasn't I? You see because I travel all the time. So last winter, I'd be in the midwest, and the blizzard would hit. And then I'd fly home, AND THE BLIZZARD WOULD HIT AGAIN!
Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.
I did stand-up comedy for seventeen years. I need to explore other things.
If we are going to amend the constitution, shouldn't it be to keep the omos-hay from arrying-may?
Horoscopes, like bad sitcoms, are created for people that I don't relate to.
In the 1970s vampires were pretty boring. The scariest vampire was Count Chocula. One bite of Count Chocula and you were cursed with Type 2 diabetes.
I lived in an apartment, and I had a neighbor. I knew that whenever he knocked on the wall, he wanted me to turn my music down. I'd mess with his head. I'd say, "Go around. I cannot open the wall!"