Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1195
Two million people could die tonight and traffic would still suck in the morning. Stop spitting out the children.
Scrabble was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia. This is true, they proved this one. The word dyslexia was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia.
The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind - a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house.
I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.
You might be a redneck if you have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.
I’m no good in the morning unless I’ve had that first, hot piping pot of coffee… Oh, I’ve tried other enemas.
I was thinking about The Boss, The King. It's sort of sad - the next legend, what are they gonna do? 'Ladies and gentlemen, Veal Cutlet!'
You're 16 years old, you don't know shit about shit, and PULL UP YOU'RE PANTS!!!
You'll find as you go through life that great depth and smoldering sensuality don't always win.
I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
This one guy said, "Look at that girl. She's got a nice butt." I said, "Yeah, I bet she can sit down excellently!"