Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1202
We kinda hated sitcoms when we sat down and talked about this. We wanted to do something that was in the sitcom vain but totally different.
You have to just marvel at the stun-gun absurdity of fighting to the death over what happens after you die.
I'm not a racist. It's really case by case; it's not ethnicity specific. It's just the way I react to things that are different. I think that's normal. Everyone's nervous when they're confronted with things that they don't understand or are different. That's a normal human reaction. It doesn't become racist 'til you say things like, 'Oh, there's a lot of them.'
Great marriages are like the Higgs Boson particle, its existence has been theorized, but no one has ever seen one.
A friend said to me, "I think the weather is trippy." I said, "No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps it's the way we perceive it." And then I realized I just should have said, "Yeah."
What a doctor I've got - he's really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then hit me in the balls with a hammer.
My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
Max: What's a period? George: It's a bullet we dodge, go get ready.
Shaq is rich. The white man who signs his check … is wealthy. "Ah, here you go, Shaq. Go buy yourself a bouncing car. Bling, bling!"
How many kids do you have? Two. Don't have any more. That's the highest acceptable point... from now on take it in the ass.
When I was a kid, I never got any girls either. One girl told me to come over, there was nobody home. I went over, there was nobody home.
Trees that grow in smoggy cities are needed to make carbon paper.