Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1202

I was going to get an abortion the other day. I totally wanted an abortion. And it turns out I was just thirsty.

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

Science teachers and the mentally ill, that’s all Jazz is for.

I'm not just offensive, I'm very smart about the way that I do it, and that takes a lot of time. People say that young comics shouldn't be trying these things. That's ridiculous. You should try everything and see what sticks.

I don't believe in Jesus or God. But I do believe that fundamentalists in religion or anything else are bad, and that they have more hate than love. Jesus' words have become so perverted over time – it's been like a game of telephone. If he existed, Jesus would fuckin' kill himself.

Today I followed my instincts and never got out of bed.

It’s hard to be happy for someone when you know deep down they’d kill you if they had the chance.

People only have so much attention.

I was doing comedy in laundry mats in 1992, literally where I would bring a little gorilla amp and a lapel mike and just start performing.

Sex sells, but doesn't work so well as a strong-arm tactic. "Give me your purse or I'll make out with you so hard".

You might be a redneck if your primary source of income is the pawn shop.

You might be a redneck if you pick your teeth from a catalog.

Americans continue to rapidly homogenize ourselves into a neutered oblivion. For a country founded on the protection of the unique, we relish our sameness.

There seems to be an extremely low probability that when I meet someone who has been described to me as “brassy” that I will like this person, even a little bit.