Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1202

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

You know who has a tiny vagina? Barbie. Not Klaus Barbie, the infamous Nazi.

You might be a redneck if you won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.

In the 80's we had high, high, waisted pants, that if they came up any higher they'd have to go up another size, if you know what I mean.

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

Originally we were going to title it The Daily Show With Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays Off, but it was too long.

You might be a redneck if there are more dishes in your sink than in your cabinets.

You might be a redneck if you've ever used lard in bed.

On George W Bush: That man sits at that desk in the White House with the button that can end the world. My father's younger than him and we don't give him the controls for the television.

I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin.

Someone just told me that I enjoyed my weekend.

Treat employees like partners, and they act like partners.

You know you've been listening to too much hip hop when you're response to a red light is "can't stop, won't stop son!".

A fly was very close to being called a land, because that's what it does half the time.

I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.