Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1202
In the 80's we had high, high, waisted pants, that if they came up any higher they'd have to go up another size, if you know what I mean.
The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, "Tell me about some of the people who were here last year."
I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.
I like to approach every day like it's my first, so this morning when I woke up I covered my body with red gelatin.
I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.
If you suspect your baby may be a problem drinker, please call my cell phone because he sounds fun to hang out with.
The beautiful thing about older people is their ability to cut the fat off of conversation. When they talk, they don't go on forever and ever. They say what they have to say, and that's it. That was my grand dad. Some of the things he said stunned me, but his words were logical. I'll never forget them.
You have to just marvel at the stun-gun absurdity of fighting to the death over what happens after you die.
Fruit... it's just God showing off. "Look at all the colours I know!"
I said to a guy, “Tell me, what is it about cocaine that makes it so wonderful?” And the guy said, “Well, it intensifies your personality.” And I said, “Yes, but what if you’re an asshole?”