Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1201

My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark.

I’ll defend child pornography, how about that? What’s wrong with seeing some child pornography? What if you watch child pornography because you find it hilarious? Then should it not a protected freedom of speech?

You might be a redneck if you have a rag for a gas cap on a car that does run.

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said "No."

I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.

It is impossible for a cyclops to wink.

You might be a redneck if you have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.

I have my website, The Ruckus, which is an Internet site, similar to the Funny or Die format, where people post funny videos. I get a chance to rate their videos; they get a chance to blog and kick it with me.

My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.

I had no idea this thing was televised. Boy, is my face red.

You know, it's really rude to yell at your cock in front of people, and I apologize.

Many in the Senate and the Congress care more about their jobs on a watered-down bill over potential mass murders and suicides with guns.

Strippers should be role-models for little girls. If only for the fact that they wax their assholes.

How far would you go for someone you love ? I heard this story, about this woman, who actually lifted a car off of her baby. 'Course I would have said, "Dude! Back up." But, wasn't my kid. When I was born, if I'd have known all the stuff my dad was going to do for me, I'd have crawled right back in.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.