Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1201
What's the difference between my wife and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.
I think sometimes that people think brave means not being afraid, which of course it doesn't mean that at all. It means that you're afraid, but you move past that and do it anyway, do what you think is right.
After you do standup for for, like, five years, you're kind of screwed because you have no other skills. You can't get other jobs. It's like being in prison: you're not suitable for any other career.
His motto is "Love thy neighbour". His neighbour is an 18 year old hooker.
I bought these shoes in Taiwan, and they said in the inside "made around the corner."
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
My grandmother takes care of herself. She started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today. We don’t know where the hell she is.
If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
A friend of mine once sent me a postcard with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said 'Wish you were here.'
To wish upon a star, but from a safe enough distance to avoid being incinerated.
My nan used to look after me in the summer holidays and she had a cat with one eye. It used to walk into walls and tables. I used to think it was hilarious. It was a slapstick cat.
I know these jokes aren't great, ladies and gentlemen, see this is the problem you run into when you're between impeachments.
When I die I'll be cremated and my ashes sprinkled over my shrink's toupee.