Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1201
Shaq is rich. The white man who signs his check … is wealthy. "Ah, here you go, Shaq. Go buy yourself a bouncing car. Bling, bling!"
How many kids do you have? Two. Don't have any more. That's the highest acceptable point... from now on take it in the ass.
So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".
It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
You might be a redneck if you gene pool doesn't have a "deep end."
It's very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy - location, location, location.
I've got young kids, so it suits me to do a job which keeps me in town right now.
I went to Graceland. Go if you never been. Nothing like being ripped off by a dead hillbilly.
I don’t think I ever wrote a song. I can write a lot of jokes, but when I try to write lyrics they’re the most direct, non-figurative words, like, ‘I like you, I like you,’… and that’s it, for the whole song. People would go, ‘Ooh, this guy’s Dylan or something.' It gives me a lot more respect for songwriters, actually.
Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"
I have my website, The Ruckus, which is an Internet site, similar to the Funny or Die format, where people post funny videos. I get a chance to rate their videos; they get a chance to blog and kick it with me.
You might be a redneck if you think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
I do good things in my life, too. It's just that none of them are funny.