Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1203
That's the authentic punk dance. It's like a child dizzy on lemonade.
I don't believe in Jesus or God. But I do believe that fundamentalists in religion or anything else are bad, and that they have more hate than love. Jesus' words have become so perverted over time – it's been like a game of telephone. If he existed, Jesus would fuckin' kill himself.
I'd deeply apologize to Richard Lewis for my offensive slurs to myself.
This one guy said, "Look at that girl. She's got a nice butt." I said, "Yeah, I bet she can sit down excellently!"
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
Looking into blood doping. I think it will allow me to write jokes with greater intensity, and for a longer period of time.
Seems the first person to call someone a whore is usually another whore.
I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.
Per capita - just about everyone has no idea what a ‘capita’ is.
Great marriages are like the Higgs Boson particle, its existence has been theorized, but no one has ever seen one.
Assassinating someone is another way of saying "I care", just not in the way they'd want you to.