Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1203

You're gay, you sell books... you probably shag the books.

I don't see teenagers anymore. I see... I see youths. Slumped S shapes in their hoodies, all huddled round a bin of burning grannies. All texting eachother because they've given up on speech.

After going through years of litigation to get royalties due to him, the guy who coined the term ‘happily ever after’ lived reasonably well for a while.

Max: What's a period? George: It's a bullet we dodge, go get ready.

My uncles were all funny. My dad wasn’t funny, but my uncles were all funny. Now I go back and I like him better than them, they were manipulative funny.

In the 1970s vampires were pretty boring. The scariest vampire was Count Chocula. One bite of Count Chocula and you were cursed with Type 2 diabetes.

Isn't Bush the worst president ever? I mean, when his term is over, he has to walk back to Texas.

It takes money to make money because you have to copy the design exactly.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue and I couldn't put it down.

I don't want to be my own boss. I want to be my own colleague.

How to be a bouncer: be an asshole; stand near a door.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

I love Cleveland. The weather just terrible there - too cold. All we want to know in Cleveland is where the hell’s all that global warming we’ve been hearing so much about. That’s all they ever do in the winter, stand outside with an aerosol can. >ssst<br />

The idea of having Australians upset at me is just awful.

I don’t think I ever wrote a song. I can write a lot of jokes, but when I try to write lyrics they’re the most direct, non-figurative words, like, ‘I like you, I like you,’… and that’s it, for the whole song. People would go, ‘Ooh, this guy’s Dylan or something.' It gives me a lot more respect for songwriters, actually.