Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1203

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Why are women wearing perfumes that smell like flowers to attrat men? Men don’t like flowers. I wear a scent called “new-car interior.”

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

Shaq is rich. The white man who signs his check … is wealthy. "Ah, here you go, Shaq. Go buy yourself a bouncing car. Bling, bling!"

I think sometimes that people think brave means not being afraid, which of course it doesn't mean that at all. It means that you're afraid, but you move past that and do it anyway, do what you think is right.

You might be a redneck if you gene pool doesn't have a "deep end."

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?"

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue and I couldn't put it down.

How to be a bouncer: be an asshole; stand near a door.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial.

I don't want to appear to be placing blame, but as far my life is concerned, everything is pretty much my dad's ball's fault.

You might be a redneck if taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.

My grandmother takes care of herself. She started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today. We don’t know where the hell she is.