Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1218
The Middle East is America's 'champagne room'. No matter how much you spend, you will still never get what you want.
You might be a redneck if you just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
I’ve always benefited from knowing machines well, because it’s freedom, it gives you freedom, I always knew that.
Mirrors at the gym only serve to remind me that I'm less of a man than I'd like to be.
I have a jar at home, and I put pennies in it whenever I curse. The other day I spilled the jar. I owe it about $25.
I'd rather send out a mass email then hang posters all over the place.
I saw an old woman changing a flat tyre, and I walked right by, like everybody else. Then I thought what kind of person am I? So I went back and said, 'Have a nice day.'
Why should I learn English? I'm never going to England. Shah, pffff, ur, doy.
You can tell a lot about a person by whether or not they're a transvestite.
Your father. He loves you. But, he doesn't like you. And why should he ? Huh ? Ever since you were born, he's had less money, less sex, less time, less stuff. You eat his food. You wear his clothes. You don't give him his messages. And look, you're his son. You suck.
The Statue of Liberty really is profound, I just wish she'd lighten up a bit.
Alien abductions. I don't believe in them because it's always the same circumstances, the same type of people, the same situations. It's never a black guy; it's never a Hispanic guy; it's never a physicist from the Netherlands - it's always some dumb white fuck in the middle of nowhere.