Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1218
If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean that one enjoys it?
Regarding the marching band: How much more interesting it would be to see a creeping band.
I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said, 'Compact cars.'
Wow this place is really big isn't it? They must do proper stuff here, like opera and all that…shite.
Models talk to you for six minutes and they're very nice and they say thank you and then it's off to the larger European men they actually have sex with.
If space suits looked less like marshmallows, I'd be more interested in going to the moon.
I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who has AIDS?". He says, "No". I say, "Cool, because you know me."
I went to a tent store. "What kind of tent do you need?" "Circus."
Whenever I'm around people it causes me to feel nostalgic for the loneliness that drove me into their presence in the first place.
Did you ever notice how the people who believe in creationism look really unevolved. Eyes real close together, big furry hands and feet.<br /> “I believe God created me in one day.”<br /> Looks like he rushed it.
One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don’t even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.
So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'
A lot of people come to L.A. looking for something. What I came here for, I realize now, is to be okay with myself.
I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue and I couldn't put it down.