Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1217
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
She was so ugly that when I bent down to pet her cat it turned out to be the hair on her legs.
The biggest plus of marriage is finally realizing that we are alone.
[In the Pharmacy] The guy turns to me -- I was in the aisle -- and he goes, 'Hey, you think I should go for the two-ply or the regular?' I was like, 'Man, if you're even thinking two-ply, maybe you shouldn't fuck her.'
I had more material on weather than anyone else, I guess, ... back when I was traveling a lot [on the road as a standup comic], between airport security and the weather...I just wanted to be prepared for sitting in the airport.
If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean that one enjoys it?
You might be a redneck if your primary source of income is the pawn shop.
I wish I could say there was a magic formula, but I just kept working at it.
When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother’s.
No matter how much makeup I wore, people just kept saying "Yes, sir! Would you like tea with that, sir?" "Yes, I would like tea. Why don't you put it on my breasts?" "Certainly. Tea for this man's breasts! Anything else, sir?"
I’ve always benefited from knowing machines well, because it’s freedom, it gives you freedom, I always knew that.
I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses. Or two dumpsters.
Please reduce the expectation in your tone when asking me how my day is going.
Celebrated father's day by congratulating myself for not having a kid.