Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1217

You can tell a lot about a person by whether or not they're a transvestite.

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

Last night, I got Chinese food and the fortune cookie said, ‘Where’s my money?’

So far rich people have been very quiet about the possibility of getting taxes raised on them, but that doesn’t mean they won’t get mad about it, it just means they don’t know about it. Because it takes a while for bad news to reach a rich person. First their accountant has to tell the butler, who has to tell the servant, who wouldn’t dare interrupt their game of croquet.

I can't wait till Sunday, I'm gonna see my favorite niece and my other niece...

This relationship is preventing me from becoming everything I can be as a world class masturbator. I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

You and I go together like energy drinks and flat brim ball caps.

If I do something for my kids, I get a medal, because most fathers don't.

Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

The Statue of Liberty really is profound, I just wish she'd lighten up a bit.

I have also reviewed my own financial obligations, which have puffed up recently like a hammered thumb.

Take the money and run.

I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

Man is the most powerful creature on the planet. And we’re arrogant. I mean, people own birds. It’s like, there’s a creature with the gift of flight. I want it. I’m going to put it in my kitchen and make it crap on old information.

It's the cutting edge of politics in a very extraordinarily boring way!