Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1219

"You can't fool the American people" - politician trying to fool the American people.

Not everybody hates me. Only the people who’ve met me.

I think the best thing to keep in a safe is a note that says “Nice try, asshole."

Your father. He loves you. But, he doesn't like you. And why should he ? Huh ? Ever since you were born, he's had less money, less sex, less time, less stuff. You eat his food. You wear his clothes. You don't give him his messages. And look, you're his son. You suck.

I have never seen two people on pot get in a fight because it is fucking IMPOSSIBLE. "Hey, buddy!" "Hey, what?" "Ummmmmmm...." End of argument.

People shouldn't take my lack of interest in what they're saying personally. I don't really care about what I'm saying most of the time.

I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.

There's no down time any more.

America has so much debt, if she were a person she'd need a co-signer to get a car loan.

"We're in this together" usually means "I'm here for you, unless it requires me getting into my car anywhere near rush hour".

Models talk to you for six minutes and they're very nice and they say thank you and then it's off to the larger European men they actually have sex with.

Everybody wants to be more wanted, until they are...

If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly.

I got tired of calling the movies to listen to what is playing so I bought the album.

A lot of people come to L.A. looking for something. What I came here for, I realize now, is to be okay with myself.