Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1219
If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean that one enjoys it?
I'm actually about as famous as a fourth division footballer from the 70s.
"Scatterbrain" is one of those harmless little words you use a million times... Then it turns up in a crime scene description.
I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said, 'Compact cars.'
Wow this place is really big isn't it? They must do proper stuff here, like opera and all that…shite.
Now I'm not an expert at mathematics, but I calculated it would take at least three of me to take on one third of one of them, even if they were attacking me with just their arse.
The world treats beautiful people like they're good at something, which makes it so that they almost never get good at something.
I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who has AIDS?". He says, "No". I say, "Cool, because you know me."
So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'
There's something vaguely erotic about watching a woman eat a banana while cupping two plums.
Now the ACLU is fighting to overturn a Mississippi state law that stops homosexuals from adopting children. You know folks, I’m no expert on the subject, but if you’re gay and you’ve chosen to set up shop in Mississippi… even I’m reasonably sure you’re not equipped to adopt children, okay?
I'd rather send out a mass email then hang posters all over the place.
If we (Lauren and Jim) ever get married, we're just going to put helmets on, run into each other from a hundred yards, and smash together like rams
British audiences are more polite and have a wider world view. You don’t have to put a fuck joke in every 90 seconds like you do with Americans.