Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1219
The Statue of Liberty really is profound, I just wish she'd lighten up a bit.
"Scatterbrain" is one of those harmless little words you use a million times... Then it turns up in a crime scene description.
Kids, they are always hurting themselves. It's like, "Quick, get me to casualty quick!" while your doing something important like sitting down picking your ear.
Every time I see someone taking care of a baby, I think "why in the world would anyone willingly saddle themselves with that responsibility"?
Life's a beautiful thing. With every passing day I have more to worry about.
Maybe necrophiliacs are just people that want to have sex without a lot of talking.
If you believe drugs don’t do anything good for us, do me this favor willya. Go home tonight, take all your albums and tapes and burn ‘em. Because the musicians who made all that great music… real fucking high on drugs. Shit, the Beatles were so high they let RIngo sing a couple of tunes.
It's all about the triumph of intellect and romance over brute force and cynicism.
Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?"
I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
If Scotland and America go to war, I'm afraid I've already sworn in.
I was in a panto last year, Aladdin and The Wonderful Lamp. I played the wick. I got the sack because I was too well-oiled every night.