Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1222
No matter how much makeup I wore, people just kept saying "Yes, sir! Would you like tea with that, sir?" "Yes, I would like tea. Why don't you put it on my breasts?" "Certainly. Tea for this man's breasts! Anything else, sir?"
I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt. "What are you making?" "A salt lick."
I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwiches? All-encompassingly!
You might be a redneck if Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
A beautiful woman chased me down the street yesterday. She shouted and screamed, tried to grab me, ripped my at my clothes and pulled my hair. After about five minutes, I said, "Okay, lady. Keep your handbag."
I was in a card store and there were these cards that said "Get well soon." Fuck that! Get well *now*!
I swore I would never get involved in my dad's life. But then he started blowing it. So I had to get involved, you know, but he's my dad, I can't send him to his room or ground him or go to his first grade play and scream, "Look at the fairy!" I was a wood nymph.
I commend you on all you've done for PETA, wrestling the one-eyed trouser snake with your bare hands, gently cuddling it in your arms, and nurturing it back to health.
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
I'm actually about as famous as a fourth division footballer from the 70s.
When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother’s.
I'm not a very serious Jew. I don't wear the protective religious headgear. They only wear that because 40% of all religious thoughts escape through the head.