Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1222
"Scatterbrain" is one of those harmless little words you use a million times... Then it turns up in a crime scene description.
You might be a redneck if the best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
Man is the most powerful creature on the planet. And we’re arrogant. I mean, people own birds. It’s like, there’s a creature with the gift of flight. I want it. I’m going to put it in my kitchen and make it crap on old information.
If you believe drugs don’t do anything good for us, do me this favor willya. Go home tonight, take all your albums and tapes and burn ‘em. Because the musicians who made all that great music… real fucking high on drugs. Shit, the Beatles were so high they let RIngo sing a couple of tunes.
One night a jet flew a little bit too close to my house. I was walking from the living room to the kitchen, and the stewardess told me to sit down.
An interim government was set up in Afghanistan. It included two women, one of whom was Minister of Women's Affairs. Man, who'd she have to show here ankles to to get that job?
At the upcoming Grammy Awards, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony will perform together as the first time, as man and wife. Hopefully music.
I was in a panto last year, Aladdin and The Wonderful Lamp. I played the wick. I got the sack because I was too well-oiled every night.
So China's president Hu Jintao meets, uh - meets America's president. It's like President "Who?" meeting President "Huh?"
It was so important for me just to have my ex feel good in bed. The low point was when I started to sing, 'Here we go, orgasm! Here we go!' And then when it finally happened, running a victory lap - that was sad. And the high fives, wasn't that unnecessary?