Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1222

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

I was in a panto last year, Aladdin and The Wonderful Lamp. I played the wick. I got the sack because I was too well-oiled every night.

If we (Lauren and Jim) ever get married, we're just going to put helmets on, run into each other from a hundred yards, and smash together like rams

Why should I learn English? I'm never going to England. Shah, pffff, ur, doy.

I’m hooked on email. That’s right, kids, I’m one of you.

[When asked if he sees the future with people wearing shirts with his face on it] I’d like that, yeah. Teenage girls with my face on their breasts. Is that what you want me to say? [...] I’d like it. Everyone would like it. I think everyone should be made to wear body-suits which are collages of my face.

I believe that everyone should be treated as an individual. Women should be treated equally in the right to vote, sure. But if I'm paying to see a comedy then I just want to see who's funniest, with everyone treated equally. I'm not going to say, 'Oh, I should see a woman this time because I saw a man last time.' It's hard to have blanket opinions.

I'm so glad Courtney Love is here; I left my crack in my other purse.

I'm actually about as famous as a fourth division footballer from the 70s.

Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo... He got pretty good... He could go under a rug...

You might be a redneck if the best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.

What I hated was doing what somebody in LA thought Jeff Foxworthy ought to do.

I'll never die. Been there done that.

Osama Bin Laden is dead? Oh my God, that was so easy! And it only took two trillion dollars, two wars and too many good men.

I don't see my show as a stepping stone to something else like some people, who get a job then have a foot out the door looking for their next job.