Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1221
I know that big, important things don't just come together overnight, but I've been me for a long time now and it's still not working.
My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.
We were talking briefly about cocaine...yeah. Anything that makes you paranoid and impotent, give me more of that!
That's here on CBS, where the 'C' stands for 'Classy' and the 'BS' speaks for itself.
Trees that grow in smoggy cities are needed to make carbon paper.
I’m not very good with people. Even when I was little, my imaginary friend would play with the kid across the street. And I’d be like, “I guess we’ll meet up later.” And he’d be like, “Whatever, queer.”
I've had two great years, probably five good years. So I had 20 years of just kind of uncertainty and suffering and ego destruction and poverty. All these things. There's no way I'm ever going to catch up to the misery years. It's impossible... If I don't do anything dumb or I don't get a disease or something, and then I've got to five to eight years I think where it'll really be great and then it will start to degenerate like uranium, you know?
I think I'm just someone that just tries to get by. I'm kind of - if it was during the Second World War, I'd be a black marketeer, I think.
Earthquakes would be great if they could hit specific areas, like the parent lounge at a children's beauty pageant.
When someone shows you a picture of their kids what they don't want to hear is "Oh, yeah, I got pictures of your kid too."
I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.