Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1221

18,873 quotes

I had more material on weather than anyone else, I guess, ... back when I was traveling a lot [on the road as a standup comic], between airport security and the weather...I just wanted to be prepared for sitting in the airport.

I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said, 'Compact cars.'

Wow this place is really big isn't it? They must do proper stuff here, like opera and all that…shite.

Models talk to you for six minutes and they're very nice and they say thank you and then it's off to the larger European men they actually have sex with.

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

I don't see my show as a stepping stone to something else like some people, who get a job then have a foot out the door looking for their next job.

Celebrated father's day by congratulating myself for not having a kid.

I'd rather send out a mass email then hang posters all over the place.

I just don't feel like you're right for me... sorry, just talking to myself.

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

You might be a redneck if you use a radiator hose to fix your kitchen sink.

If you want something bad enough, you've got to make a bold move. Just make sure you clear the bold move with the people whose lives it's going to affect. Like George Washington, had to get all those guys who the British killed to agree to die. Neil Armstrong, had to crank a couple of elbows into Buzz Aldrin's face mask to make sure he got on the moon first. And Christopher Titus, well, he worked his dad for five grand. Ha ha. Who can't support who ? I know, it's complicated.

Have a great day. Note: does not apply to my enemies.