Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1221

I'm competitive at everything.

I had more material on weather than anyone else, I guess, ... back when I was traveling a lot [on the road as a standup comic], between airport security and the weather...I just wanted to be prepared for sitting in the airport.

Regarding the marching band: How much more interesting it would be to see a creeping band.

You might be a redneck if your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event.

"Scatterbrain" is one of those harmless little words you use a million times... Then it turns up in a crime scene description.

She used to be a teacher but she has no class now.

Wow this place is really big isn't it? They must do proper stuff here, like opera and all that…shite.

People talk to you and they try to convince you that they like what they do just because it sucks less than what they used to do… which sucked a lot.

Snake eyes is a gambling term, and an animal term, too.

Maybe necrophiliacs are just people that want to have sex without a lot of talking.

Did you ever notice how the people who believe in creationism look really unevolved. Eyes real close together, big furry hands and feet.<br /> “I believe God created me in one day.”<br /> Looks like he rushed it.

If only St. Valentine was around to see his memory celebrated through the mindless marketing of whipping cream and lingerie.

Confession is a sacred rite enhanced by allegory, exaggeration, and lies.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

One of the coolest things about the word "boobs" is, when you look at it, it has boobs.