Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1221
"Scatterbrain" is one of those harmless little words you use a million times... Then it turns up in a crime scene description.
I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."
I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said, 'Compact cars.'
You might be a redneck if the best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife - a depressing thought, particularly for those who have bothered to shave. Also thereis the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it's being held.
Anticipation almost always exceeds the reality of that which we anticipated.
If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly.
You might be a redneck if you have a rag for a gas cap on a car that does run.
Maybe necrophiliacs are just people that want to have sex without a lot of talking.
Did you ever notice how the people who believe in creationism look really unevolved. Eyes real close together, big furry hands and feet.<br /> “I believe God created me in one day.”<br /> Looks like he rushed it.
When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!
Of course, here's the weird part. After I fought my dad, all of a sudden we're buddies now. Like he's my friend now, we start hanging out. But we're still the same people. So we'd go out on Sunday, you know, and just be hanging out, then he'd, like, pick a guy, and we'd just go beat the crap out of that guy as a team. Memories, huh?