Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1223

Whenever I'm around people it causes me to feel nostalgic for the loneliness that drove me into their presence in the first place.

When you go to a bar that has a black light, everybody looks cool. Except for me, because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.

I'm strongly debating quitting. I don't want to create things to be angry about, I'd sooner start doing happy shit.

My mother was always the one with the dark, really filthy sense of humor. She was a vulgar woman. She used to tell me to do comedy before I even tried it. She was always up for any gag.

So far rich people have been very quiet about the possibility of getting taxes raised on them, but that doesn’t mean they won’t get mad about it, it just means they don’t know about it. Because it takes a while for bad news to reach a rich person. First their accountant has to tell the butler, who has to tell the servant, who wouldn’t dare interrupt their game of croquet.

Have a great day. Note: does not apply to my enemies.

What is the fear of the 'gay agenda' that has so upset people? Do people think that if gay people are given a place at the table, they'll be so convincing we'll all end up blowing them? What is the issue? 'You know, I'm straight, but you've made such a convincing argument...'

I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere.

I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the Devil. Other than that, though, it's been a good day.

What do batteries run on?

Osama Bin Laden is dead? Oh my God, that was so easy! And it only took two trillion dollars, two wars and too many good men.

I don't get emails from my corporate overlords.

I've got young kids, so it suits me to do a job which keeps me in town right now.

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.