Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1223
I do not like sports, unless you consider treating all humankind with love and respect a sport.
I got access to a private tour of the zoo. I got to go in a cage with a koala, which I highly recommend.
British audiences are more polite and have a wider world view. You don’t have to put a fuck joke in every 90 seconds like you do with Americans.
'I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold. 'He said, 'It should be, it's been dead two weeks.'
It became clear when I got in my car that Persians are only really good for two things. Oil and hummus.
So far rich people have been very quiet about the possibility of getting taxes raised on them, but that doesn’t mean they won’t get mad about it, it just means they don’t know about it. Because it takes a while for bad news to reach a rich person. First their accountant has to tell the butler, who has to tell the servant, who wouldn’t dare interrupt their game of croquet.
"[To a member of the audience] You look like my friend Debbie. That's really weird … do you get that a lot? [Pause] It's sad, though, 'cause you know, we're not really friends anymore. But, uh, it's not your fault. Seriously, it was 'cause she's, um … not born again Christian … oh! pathological liar."
When they [N'Sync and Aerosmith] played, it wasn't music. It was the sound of chaos. I knew it was the sound of chaos because you could hear pigs being slaughtered. Women were weeping and men were gnashing their teeth, and there were sounds so horrible that I cannot repeat them to you, or you would flee from this room in horror!
You might be a redneck if the best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
I think our collective psychosis is hilarious. With the world moving as fast as it is, if we weren't dysfunctional, we couldn't function.
If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly.
Maybe necrophiliacs are just people that want to have sex without a lot of talking.
If you believe drugs don’t do anything good for us, do me this favor willya. Go home tonight, take all your albums and tapes and burn ‘em. Because the musicians who made all that great music… real fucking high on drugs. Shit, the Beatles were so high they let RIngo sing a couple of tunes.