Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1223

Not everybody hates me. Only the people who’ve met me.

If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, 'you know, we're alright. We are dang near royalty.'

With good parody, you have to be smarter that the people you’re parodying.

I think our collective psychosis is hilarious. With the world moving as fast as it is, if we weren't dysfunctional, we couldn't function.

I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere.

I'll never die. Been there done that.

You might be a redneck if your Junior/Senior Prom had a day care.

When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn't get out, something is seriously wrong.

Met someone who works at the zoo. Apparently the panda is a nasty animal.

I’ve had more women than most people have noses.

Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier'n helpin' 'em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.

If I cut myself shaving, sausage gravy comes out. That’s why I always keep a little pile of biscuits next to the sink.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Reality is a concept that depends largely upon where you point your face.

You might be a redneck if your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event.