Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1245
[Adulthood feels like] walking around in the desert with a bag over your head, being bumped into by people who rob you as they bore you
I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and I finally gave up. I asked her, "what, you can't think of anybody either?"
Laughing at ones own attempt at humor while saying "things just come to me" should be punishable by death.
Few things are as uniquely painful as bad comedy, and the realization that the human mind is a house of mirrors with no entrance and no exit.
A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will."
You might be a redneck if you saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.
If you’re a transvestite, you’re actually a male tomboy. That’s where the sexuality is… So it’s running, jumping, climbing trees, putting on makeup when you’re up there.
If you are sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
Get a bunch of those 3-D glasses and wear them at the same time. Use enough to get it up to a good, say, 10 or 12-D.
People are always like, “Oh, she’s such a bitch.” I’m like, “Yeah, I am a bitch, actually.”
Sorry, my mind was wandering. One time my mind went all the way to Venus on mail order and I couldn't pay for it.