Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1245
I sometimes close my eyes during a show because I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on the back of my eyelids.
My girlfriend is so ugly, two guys broke into her apartment. She yelled "Rape!" They yelled "NO!"
Few things are more annoying than too many of any one ethnicity in the same room.
You might be a redneck if your momma gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
When being interviewed by a woman for a job, never begin with "listen up doll face".
I don't want to be poor. I don't want to be rich to the extent that all I care about is keeping my job. I don't care enough about keeping my job right now. That's good. That makes effective at what I do. I don't want to be frightened of getting fired. So to that end I suppose my ambitions are that I spend less than I earn.
Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist.
(on people who join the military) As long as the people who kinda wanna go kill other people are going to go kill other people who kinda wanna go kill other people, you're killing all the right people and opening up all the best parking spaces.
People hate people just cause they want someone different to hate.
He was in awe of the thirst that people had for someone to tell them that everything was going to be all right. He marveled at the gullibility and vulnerability of his fellow humans. No wonder the churches called them sheep. They were woolly-headed pack animals being herded around for the benefit of whoever knew how to control the dogs.