Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1245
It’s so beautiful outside, I’m thrilled you guys took the time to come inside. On my tour for my first book, this was my favorite stop. For real. I’m not even kissing you guys’ asses.
So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?".
'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
She quarreled with the nanny and accused her of brushing Misha's teeth sideways rather than up and down.
If you are sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
I've been to all 50 states, and traveled this whole country, and 90 percent of the people are good folks. The rest of them take after the other side of the family.
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
I have a sneaking suspicion that leading an examined life and being really tan aren't consistent with one another.
My father was a beekeeper before me, his father was a beekeeper. I want to follow in their footsteps. And their footsteps were like this. (Runs screaming) AAAAAAAH! I'm covered in beeeeees!
Don't argue! You cannot win, you cannot beat a woman in a argument. It's impossible you will not win. Cause men, we are handicapped when it comes to arguing cause we have a need to make sense
Have you ever thought about toothpaste? Ellen has! And she makes a point about all of the types of toothpaste that Colgate offers!