Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1245
He was in awe of the thirst that people had for someone to tell them that everything was going to be all right. He marveled at the gullibility and vulnerability of his fellow humans. No wonder the churches called them sheep. They were woolly-headed pack animals being herded around for the benefit of whoever knew how to control the dogs.
You might be a redneck if your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
People that say I have a 'fear of commitment' don't understand my relationship with popcorn.
Because their bones are growing, they can only sleep in certain positions, obviously. The crucifix and the swastika tend to be the most popular. Sometimes a combination of the two.
I sometimes close my eyes during a show because I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on the back of my eyelids.
My girlfriend always giggles during sex. No matter what she's reading.
You can say prick on television. If it happens to your finger it’s alright. You can prick your finger, just don’t finger your prick.
I don't want to be poor. I don't want to be rich to the extent that all I care about is keeping my job. I don't care enough about keeping my job right now. That's good. That makes effective at what I do. I don't want to be frightened of getting fired. So to that end I suppose my ambitions are that I spend less than I earn.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
You might be a redneck if you entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.