Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1244
My dog. Last night four times he went on the paper. Three times I was reading it.
I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.
Few things are as uniquely painful as bad comedy, and the realization that the human mind is a house of mirrors with no entrance and no exit.
It’s so beautiful outside, I’m thrilled you guys took the time to come inside. On my tour for my first book, this was my favorite stop. For real. I’m not even kissing you guys’ asses.
According to a new study, Hawaii is the happiest place in America to live. And I thought it was just a great place to pretend you were born in.
'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'
I want to get non-aerosol mace, you just rub it in. "Dude who is attacking me - come a little closer!"
People hate people just cause they want someone different to hate.
People that say I have a 'fear of commitment' don't understand my relationship with popcorn.
Because their bones are growing, they can only sleep in certain positions, obviously. The crucifix and the swastika tend to be the most popular. Sometimes a combination of the two.
I’ll tell you what I don’t like about Christmas office parties: looking for a new job afterward.