Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1244

People that say I have a 'fear of commitment' don't understand my relationship with popcorn.

Because their bones are growing, they can only sleep in certain positions, obviously. The crucifix and the swastika tend to be the most popular. Sometimes a combination of the two.

I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and I finally gave up. I asked her, "what, you can't think of anybody either?"

Laughing at ones own attempt at humor while saying "things just come to me" should be punishable by death.

The only thing houseflies fear more than the Venus fly trap is the hanging plant.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50. So I said, "Give me two boys and a girl."

You might be a redneck if your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded.

I like Irish pubs, except for all the loud music and drinking, and people acting like idiots.

You can say prick on television. If it happens to your finger it’s alright. You can prick your finger, just don’t finger your prick.

Do you ever have one of those weeks where you know nothings gonna go right?

You might be a redneck if your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the principal.

I know God is real.

Politics: “Poli” a Latin word meaning “many”; and "tics" meaning “bloodsucking creatures”.

All my wife and I do is fight about sex. The other night, we really had it out. Well, I'll put it this way - I had it out.