Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1244

Even though it’s warm here in L.A., people still have to wear layers - at least until their plastic surgery heals.

You don’t get married to get sex. Getting married to get sex is like buying a 747 to get free peanuts.

I got a dog and named him 'Stay'. Now, I go 'Come here, Stay!' After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.

Is it possible to be totally partial?

Cheerleaders are simultaneously everything that is right and wrong with the world.

Facebook is great for getting upset about things people say even though you haven't seen them in 12 years.

There is good news for smokers. The surgeon general’s warnings are different on the sides of each pack. Mine says, “Surgeon General Warning: Cigarette smoking may Cause fetal injury or premature birth.” Hey, fuck it! just don’t get the ones that say lung cancer.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

I told my son about the birds and the bees. He told me about my wife and the butcher!

You might be a redneck if you grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.

As a kid I used to wonder around the woods… because my parents would put me there.

My father worked for the same firm for twelve years. They fired him. They replaced him with a tiny gadget - this big - that does everything my father does, only it does it much better. The depressing thing is, my mother ran out and bought one.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

People hate people just cause they want someone different to hate.

She quarreled with the nanny and accused her of brushing Misha's teeth sideways rather than up and down.