Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1244
A person with no children says, "Well I just love children," and you say "Why?" and they say, "Because a child is so truthful, that's what I love about 'em - they tell the truth." That's a lie, I've got five of 'em. The only time they tell the truth is if they're having pain.
I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean. I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk.
You might be a redneck if your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the principal.
I'm neither professional fighter nor physicist, therefore on some level I will always consider myself a failure.
Facebook is great for getting upset about things people say even though you haven't seen them in 12 years.
I’ll tell you what I don’t like about Christmas office parties: looking for a new job afterward.
My parents didn't like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio.
I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and I finally gave up. I asked her, "what, you can't think of anybody either?"
You might be a redneck if your momma gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
You might be a redneck if your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded.
I like Irish pubs, except for all the loud music and drinking, and people acting like idiots.
Researchers in Britain claim they have created a gel that prevents tooth decay. We’ve got this in America. It’s called “toothpaste.”
If you know anything about me - and, if you do, I’m sorry that your life turned out like that.