Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1246

I've got a wallet, it's orange. In case I wanna buy a deer. That doesn't make any sense at all.

You have options when it comes to abortion now. It's not like 1955 when you just had to kick her down a staircase and hope for the best... you feed her a tapeworm and hope it takes a left at the Y.

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

Oh, I love stand-up.

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.50 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: naive.

Politics: “Poli” a Latin word meaning “many”; and "tics" meaning “bloodsucking creatures”.

My parents didn't like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio.

You might be a redneck if you can amuse yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.

Have you ever thought about toothpaste? Ellen has! And she makes a point about all of the types of toothpaste that Colgate offers!

It's our flaws who make us who we are.

Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are woman that you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place?

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

People would be so much more interesting if they'd behave like who they are, and not like what they think others expect them to be.

It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be.

When I was in college I had this hippie girlfriend and she said, “Well, it’s like, when we make love, there’s no me and no you. Our bodies are like one continuous being.” <br /> I said, “OK, but how about paying some attention to our dick.”