Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1246
Do you ever have one of those weeks where you know nothings gonna go right?
I got a dog and named him 'Stay'. Now, I go 'Come here, Stay!' After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.
[Adulthood feels like] walking around in the desert with a bag over your head, being bumped into by people who rob you as they bore you
There is good news for smokers. The surgeon general’s warnings are different on the sides of each pack. Mine says, “Surgeon General Warning: Cigarette smoking may Cause fetal injury or premature birth.” Hey, fuck it! just don’t get the ones that say lung cancer.
Laughing at ones own attempt at humor while saying "things just come to me" should be punishable by death.
You might be a redneck if when you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank.
Graffiti’s the most passionate literature there is, you know? It’s always like “Bush sucks!” “U2 Rocks!”
I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50. So I said, "Give me two boys and a girl."
When being interviewed by a woman for a job, never begin with "listen up doll face".
She was so fat that she has a dress with a sign on the back that says "caution wide load".
Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist.
(on people who join the military) As long as the people who kinda wanna go kill other people are going to go kill other people who kinda wanna go kill other people, you're killing all the right people and opening up all the best parking spaces.
Oh how I hate you. I hate you so much it gives me energy. I have to get up early in the morning just to hate you, because there's not enough time in the day! Please GO AWAY!
There are two types of wine essentially, and everybody knows this. There’s the one where you drink it and go, "Mmmm, well that’s ok, can we get 8 of those please, give us 8 of those." There’s the other one, you know, where you go "Ga…bt…jesus, WHAT is that?" Very, very occasionally I concede you will hit a subtle one. You know, where you go "Ga…ba…ah, actually that’s not that bad, that is. It’s quite nice."