Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1246
You might be a redneck if you entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.
I’ll tell you what I don’t like about Christmas office parties: looking for a new job afterward.
People are always like, “Oh, she’s such a bitch.” I’m like, “Yeah, I am a bitch, actually.”
There is good news for smokers. The surgeon general’s warnings are different on the sides of each pack. Mine says, “Surgeon General Warning: Cigarette smoking may Cause fetal injury or premature birth.” Hey, fuck it! just don’t get the ones that say lung cancer.
Graffiti’s the most passionate literature there is, you know? It’s always like “Bush sucks!” “U2 Rocks!”
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
[Adulthood feels like] walking around in the desert with a bag over your head, being bumped into by people who rob you as they bore you
I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect... The other day, I got back from a business trip. I got in a cab and said to the driver, "Hey! Take me to where the action is!" So ya know where he took me? He took me to my house!
My father was a beekeeper before me, his father was a beekeeper. I want to follow in their footsteps. And their footsteps were like this. (Runs screaming) AAAAAAAH! I'm covered in beeeeees!
As a kid I used to wonder around the woods… because my parents would put me there.