Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1256
As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and you have to end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can't be like pancakes. You're all happy at first, but then by the end, you're sick of 'em.
Kittens play with yarn, they bat it around. What they're really doing is saying, "I can't knit, get this away from me!"
You know when you see an advertisement for a casino, and they have a picture of a guy winning money? That's false advertising, because that happens the least. That's like if you're advertising a hamburger, they could show a guy choking. "This is what happened once."
The phone rings, and a voice on the other end says, “How would you like to be this years vodka man?” <br /> And I said, “No. I’m an artist, I do not do commercials. I don’t pander. I don’t drink vodka and if I did, I would not drink your product.” <br /> He said, “Too bad. It pays $50,000.” <br /> And I said “Hold on. I’ll put Mr. Allen on the phone.”
People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.
I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'
I tell you, in my house I can never relax. I got a dog. His favorite bone is in my arm.
That would be cool if the earth's crust was made out of graham cracker. It would disappear just like the ozone layer, but for completely different reasons.
I was gonna kill myself, but I was in a strict Freudian analysis. And if you kill yourself, they make you pay for the sessions you miss.
I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint...it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
I called the hotel operator and she said, "How can I direct your call?" I said, "Well, you could say 'Action!', and I'll begin to dial. And when I say 'Goodbye', then you can yell 'Cut!'"
If you don't know a light bulb is a three-way light bulb, it messes with your head. You reach to turn it off, and it just gets brighter! That's the exact opposite of what I wanted you to do! So you turn the switch again, and it gets brighter once more! I will break you, light bulb!