Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1256
People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.
I have a Sharpie. I love Sharpies. You know what they say on them? Not for letter writing. That sucks. Now I have to communicate with my dad using numbers.
The Bible, if you read it, looks like it started out as a game of Mad Libs. “And then God made woman out of a rib. A rib! Look at that.”
I tell you, in my house I can never relax. I got a dog. His favorite bone is in my arm.
You don’t need no gun control. We need some bullet control. I think all bullets should cost $5,000. If a bullet cost $5,000, there’ll be no more innocent bystanders. Every time somebody gets shot it’ll be like, “Man, he must have done something. Shit, they put $50,000 worth of bullets in his ass.”
Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
A couple weeks ago I was on the street and I saw an ugly pregnant lady, and I just thought, 'Good for you.'
I got a dog and named him 'Stay'. Now, I go 'Come here, Stay!' After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.
I've always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist. That's not a full joke there! It's filler.
I think they named oranges before they named carrots. "What are those?" "Those are orange... oranges." "And what are those?" "Ah, shit. Tall pointies? Are we going by shapes now?"
If you don't know a light bulb is a three-way light bulb, it messes with your head. You reach to turn it off, and it just gets brighter! That's the exact opposite of what I wanted you to do! So you turn the switch again, and it gets brighter once more! I will break you, light bulb!
The thing about glitter is if you get it on you, be prepared to have it on you forever. Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.