Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 146

Let me tell about Tennessee. If your car breaks down in Tennessee, you have just moved to Tennessee.

I like to go to the frat house and drink with my white friends, because anytime you go drinking at the frat house, white boys bring you a drink and hand it to you like it's a top CIA secret. They'll hand me my drink, and I'll go, 'Man, what the hell is in this?' 'Dude, don't worry. Don't ask, just drink it. I'll see you in 20 minutes.' Next thing you know, I'm buck naked, standing on a coffee table, with a cowboy hat.

The next time a prostitute solicits your business, ask for the clergyman’s rate.

I'll clue you in on a secret: death is not the worst thing that could happen to you. I know we think that; we are the first society ever to think that. It's not worse than dishonor; it's not worse than losing your freedom; its not worse than losing a sense of personal responsibility.

Both are salty, one will give me carpal tunnel, I’ll go with the fries.

It’s hard to know what’s gay in life. Boxing. That’s two men fighting over a belt.

Violence doesn't solve anything? World War I. World War II. Star Wars. Every Super Bowl. Who says violence doesn't solve anything?

There are people who believe that humans dinosaurs co-existed, that they roamed the Earth at the same time. There are museums that children go to, in which they build dioramas to show them this. And what this is, purely and simply, is a clinical psychotic reaction. They are crazy. They are stone-cold-fuck nuts. I can't be kind about this, because these people are watching The Flinstones as if it were a documentary.

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.

The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, "Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses." She's got a baseball bat and yelling, "You want a piece of me?"

Maybe Bill Maher should just practice his monologue a few times before the show, so he wouldn’t find it so hilarious. But I kid the asshole.

My daughter saw this billboard for this place: 'Swim With the Dolphins.' She goes, 'I wanna do that.' I said, 'It's a lot of money - forget about it.' She said, 'Dad, I always wanted to swim with the dolphins.' 'Always, or since you saw the sign?'

Last week, the city of Detroit filed for bankrupty, it became obvious that Detorit was in trouble when it offered to suck chicago’s dick.

I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn't really a date date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed.

You know I am glad he is an atheist. Because wouldn't it be great that while he is doing his little tree thing, I know they do a lot of work with breezes, through the woods a huge sweaty guy with an ax comes long, sees him "chop-chop", puts a chain around him, drag him through the mud and the muck, throws him into a sawmill and grinds him up "neeeeee", then you pound him down into paper, and once he's paper, you print the Bible on him.