Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 146

I heard this guy going around talking about how he was this big rap producer, and he was just going around and boasting and bragging. And in one of those bragging sessions, I heard him just tell somebody, 'Hey, hey - why don't you try making four beats a day for two summers?' What a dangerously specific challenge that is.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

My aunt used to say, slow and steady wins the race. She died in a fire.

Fame has sent a number of celebrities off the deep end, and in the case of Michael Jackson, to the kiddy pool.

I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.

As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I've done my job.

Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it's trying to save its body.

You must not be afraid of small bits of silence. To use it well is the height of confidence and skill for a comedian. It increases the tension in a good way and adds contrast like a curveball complements the fastball of a good pitcher.

I know it sounds odd, but I want to make a Rolex-quality screwdriver.

When he was coming up, people were like, 'We have a serious black candidate for president. This is crazy. We have a serious black candidate.' And then when he won, they were like, 'Our first multi-racial president.' And I was like, 'That's not fair.' I mean, let's set the record straight. If you went outside tonight after this show and Barack Obama was stealing your car, you wouldn't yell, 'Hey, someone stop that mixed guy!'

See we just had a misunderstanding. I thought we lived in the U.S. of A., the United States of America. But actually we live in the U.S. of A., the United States of Advertising. Freedom of expression is guaranteed? If you've got the money!

James Lipton: The most pompous arrogant failure in history.

I know she's just trying to make things nice, so I do my part. Now, when I get up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night, I turn on the light. I used to just go by sonar: just keep peeing 'til you hear water.

In Huntington Beach, California, three police instructors lost their jobs after ordering two cadets who were caught smoking to eat cigarette sandwiches as punishment. And of course the tobacco companies are thinking, 'Cigarette sandwiches - what a great idea.'

I feel like Adam when he said to Eve, "Back up, I don't know how big this gets."