Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 146
I heard this guy going around talking about how he was this big rap producer, and he was just going around and boasting and bragging. And in one of those bragging sessions, I heard him just tell somebody, 'Hey, hey - why don't you try making four beats a day for two summers?' What a dangerously specific challenge that is.
Anyone can have a relationship but if you’re dating a woman who’s so crazy in bed that if you aren’t wearing your Kevlar one night you might never see daylight again... that’s exciting.
Animals don't have anyone to protect them. If we don't stand up, the people who are harming animals will never get stopped.
The four sweetest words in the English language - "You wore me down".
You know how you speed up baseball? Everybody gets one swing. That's it one swing fuck you, you're out sit down!
I feel sorry for people who don’t drink or do drugs. Because someday they’re going to be in a hospital bed, dying, and they won’t know why.
"Equestrian," by the by, is the gayest word in the English language. In fact, I thought "Brokeback Mountain" should have been called "Two Equestrians."
You know the drill. 18 is legal. 17 with consent. 16 with a note. 15 if her dad's in the room. Low five!
Health clubs aren't healthy. In New York City, which has the most stairs of anywhere in the country, people pay money to go to a health club and use a stair master. When you live in a city, that has nothing but stairs and you pay money to use special stairs, that is not healthy behavior. It's fucking psychotic!
The first time I tried to put a new diaper on my baby, I yanked the little Velcro strap too jerkily and actually punched the little guy in the jaw. A real solid shot, too. I knew instinctively that this could not be correct. Unless you're specifically trying to raise a welterweight, continual deliverance of powerful uppercuts is not advised when handling newborns.
I live in California, the worst place in the world for fat people. There are three of us. They have us on eight-hour shifts, so it works out.
With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.
You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
A Yuppie is someone who believes it's courageous to eat in a restaurant that hasn't been reviewed yet.