Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 147

I was raised Catholic. I rejected it later on. I’m an outspoken atheist now. People say, ‘Oh, it’s a negative thing to be an atheist.’ I don’t agree. I think it’s more optimistic to think that there is no God, no afterlife.

I think we have to help the helpless. The clueless? I don't give a rat's ass about the clueless.

Do you know what the good side of crack is? If you're up at the right hour, you can get a VCR for $1.50. You can furnish your whole house for $10.95.

Marriage itself is an antiquated institution, it has no place in a progressive society.

I was in Nashville, Tennessee last year. After the show I went to a Waffle House. I'm not proud of it, I was hungry. And I'm alone, I'm eating and I'm reading a book, right? Waitress walks over to me: 'Hey, whatcha readin' for?' Isn't that the weirdest fucking question you've ever heard? Not what am I reading, but what am I reading for? Well, goddamnit, ya stumped me! Why do I read? Well... hmmm... I dunno... I guess I read for a lot of reasons and the main one is so I don't end up being a fucking waffle waitress.

I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.

The four sweetest words in the English language - "You wore me down".

They always say that Albert Einstein was a genius. Then how come when anyone ever calls you that, it's an insult? 'You don't know where you parked the car? Good job, Einstein.' I don't think we're honoring that man properly by using his name in vain in parking lots.

It’s always consoling to know that today’s Christmas gifts are tomorrow’s garage sales.

People think everyone from the South is married to their sister and has seen a UFO. I tell 'em, "Hell, I'm just dating my sister, and I could swear it wasn't a weather balloon".

Some of my stuff, I realize is just rage.

A lot of young people make the mistake of going into comedy just because it's a lucrative business, as opposed to earlier, even Steven and I, we were in 'Second City,' we never... thought of going beyond 'Second City' in Chicago.

You know when you say something but you want to change in the middle? Like one time I was a bout to say take care but changed in the middle to good luck so it sounded like take luck... If you have any luck take care of it. Take luck you now. Shut up!

A cannibal is a guy who goes into a restaurant and orders the waiter.

You want to know how I think art should be taught to children? Take them to a museum and say, "This is art, and you can't do it."