Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 147
My buddies, we've always just tried to make each other laugh. I mean, just like all friends hanging out - that's the goal.
I really believe in the philosophy that you create your own universe. I'm just trying to create a good one for myself.
The true Axis of Evil in America is the genius of our marketing combined with the stupidity of our people.
The four sweetest words in the English language - "You wore me down".
I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
A new restaurant here in Southern California requires women to wear high heels. I’m outraged! This is sexist! Why just the women?
They’ve got plastic Christmas trees now. They’re hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.
They always say that Albert Einstein was a genius. Then how come when anyone ever calls you that, it's an insult? 'You don't know where you parked the car? Good job, Einstein.' I don't think we're honoring that man properly by using his name in vain in parking lots.
When you screw up, you got to pay the price. Shoot up a supermarket, you go to jail. Ride a motorcycle without a helmet, permanent brain damage and in California you're getting a ticket. Too chatty on a date with my dad, well, he'll push you in front of a cross town bus. Of course, you know, I'm speaking metaphorically. My dad will push you in front of any bus.
This is where we are at right now, as a whole. No one is left out of the loop. We are experiencing a reality based on a thin veneer of lies and illusions. A world where greed is our God and wisdom is sin, where division is key and unity is fantasy, where the ego-driven cleverness of the mind is praised, rather than the intelligence of the heart.
All you crazy white people "I'm American!", all you did was come out of your mother's pussy on American soil. That's it. That's it! What, you think you're better than somebody from France 'cause you came out of a pussy in Detroit?