Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 145
Do you know what White House correspondents call actors who pose as reporters? Anchors.
How am I immature? Intellectually, emotionally, and sexually. Yeah, but in what other ways?
Larry the Cable Guy has signed a deal with Cracker Barrel. Not the store. He signed a deal with a barrel full of angry rednecks.
I think we have to help the helpless. The clueless? I don't give a rat's ass about the clueless.
New York: the only city where people make radio requests like "This is for Tina - I'm sorry I stabbed you."
Throughout my life, I've been gratified that I've been able to keep the child in me alive and inspire others.
In Texas, if your name is Carlos, you're a Mexican. In Florida, you're a Cuban. In New York, you're a Puerto Rican. And I come to Canada and I find out I'm an Eskimo.
We're all products of our parents: all your mother's traits are in the egg and all your father's traits are in the sperm. And if I know my parents, that sperm and egg had a fight.
I have a few business ideas (that I'm going to advertise in High Times, amongst other places), and one of them is a service in which I offer to eat and describe pork to kosher people.
Just because one pedophile is a football coach, please don't turn against all pedophiles.
A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope - Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."
Pure entertainment is not an egotistical lady singing boring songs onstage for two hours and people in tuxes clapping whether they like it or not. It's the real performers on the street who can hold people's attention and keep them from walking away.