Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 161
My comedy has no color, it’s for everybody, black, white, Latino, Asian. It’s not a pro-black show, not a def jam show; it’s just straight, wholesome type of humor.
If you date, you will meet your share of weirdos and jerks. That is as sure as death and taxes.
The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was the quarter from behind the ear gag. He would never put the time in.
I once made love for an hour and fifteen minutes, but it was the night the clocks are set ahead.
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
You can't bring tweezers on an airplane. If I'm on a plane and you try to hijack it with tweezers, I'll whip your ass, man. You think I'm going to be late because you've got tweezers and a bad attitude?
When a Dalmatian sees a cow he must be like, 'What the hell happened to him? I am high right now. That dalmatian is fat and smeary.' When the cow sees the Dalmatian he must be like, 'He looks amazing. I am so out of shape, this is ridiculous. My tits are on the ground here.'
I've always been the guy who doesn't necessarily get it with women. A woman would have to say, 'I like you, I want to go out with you, you can ask me.' And still I would question it. Did she mean it?
The most popular Valentine’s Day gift is chocolate. In the 1800's, doctors told their patients to eat chocolate to get over a broken heart. They also thought if you’re going to be alone, who cares if you get fat.
Use a screwdriver instead of a hammer. Try to untighten the nut with your hand. Utilize the path of least resistance first.
I tend to eat pretty healthy, though, and I work out - I work out hard.
Everything's nerve-wracking; you really shouldn't be in show business if you can't stand situations that are nerve-wracking, and you just have to learn to push that aside or rip it off and graft it onto your positive, creative energy. I mean, c'mon, I've been in 40, 50 movies and a bunch of TV shows. Someone asked a few months ago how many auditions I took, and I said, "Boy, you got me. A lot, I guess. 700? 2,700? I don't know." And then I started thinking and realized, "Boy, I guess that's a lot." You know what, either get some hard bark on you, or find another line.
If the rich are evil why are you sitting in their library? Why are you sitting in their hall? Why did I just listen to a whole show on orangutans with no commercials that they paid for?
Don't try to talk to me about sports. If a guy comes up and starts spitting out stats and what happened in the most recent game, to me, all he's saying is: 'Hey let's punch each other in the cock right after we pound these energy drinks out of a douche while we fuck our Ed Hardy t-shirts at dickhead camp.'