Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 161
Clothing sizes are weird, they go: small, medium, large and then extra large, extra extra large, extra extra extra large. Something happened at large, they just gave up. They were like, 'I'm not doing any more adjectives; you just keep putting extras on there.' We could do better than that: small, medium, large, whoa, easy, slow down, stop it, interesting, American.
In the fifties I had dreams about touching a naked woman and she would turn to bronze or the dream about hot dogs chasing donuts through the Lincoln Tunnel.
When I was a kid I got no respect. Every week my old man took me to the zoo. I found out he was trying to make a trade.
No matter where you go in this world, you will always find a Jew sitting in the beach chair next to you.
Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.
I hate when your friends quit drinking on you, don't you? It's sad. I've lost more friends to AA than Liberace did to the virus. It's sad to see 'em go. You see a thirty day chip on your buddy's key ring, it's like seeing a toe tag on his cold, stiff corpse.
He's so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, they ask for the money up front.
This is where we are at right now, as a whole. No one is left out of the loop. We are experiencing a reality based on a thin veneer of lies and illusions. A world where greed is our God and wisdom is sin, where division is key and unity is fantasy, where the ego-driven cleverness of the mind is praised, rather than the intelligence of the heart.
I was in the Air Force and was a boom operator (in-flight refueling). I got my comedy start in the Air Force.
I always say that I love magic but I hate magicians. I like being fooled. If you wave your hands in front of my face and I think you’re doing a trick, I’m easily impressed. If you pull a quarter out of my ear, I’m quite certain you’re a wizard. But I don’t like the way most magicians don’t act like they’re magical; they act like show business dicks.
A rich man is one who isn't afraid to ask the salesperson to show him something cheaper.
Sometimes heckling can almost help a set, because it ratchets up the tension in the room… can even bring things to a climax.