Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 160

I asked my ex-girlfriend, “Do you think we’ll get back together?” She said, “I think the chances are better of me putting Super Unleaded into a rented car.”

I'm not a party guy. I don't carouse very much.

Why not? Life is short, life is dull, life is full of pain - and this is a chance for something special.

My first job was at a Chicago night club called Mr. Kelly's.

I snorted heroin once by accident. It was amazing. But kids, don't snort heroin. It's too good.

In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.

I can’t express anger. That’s one of the problems I have. I grow a tumor instead.

My shrink told me that my progress was pointless and she'd prefer to still keep me as a patient but analyze someone else in my place.

I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.

It was seventh grade, and I wanted to get Pumas and Nikes for P.E., like all the other kids. And my mom's boyfriend takes me to K-Mart, you know, to get the cheap-ass shoes that they have there. He's like, 'Hey, they look like Adidas.' And I'm like, 'There's an extra stripe, you dick.'

No one is immune to the trials and tribulations of life.

We're down in Mexico. It's for a bachelor party, so we go into a Mexican strip club... I go back with this woman down a murky hallway, and then without missing a beat - these ladies are all business - she goes, 'Go ahead, take out your dong.' 'I'm not taking out my dong. And by the way, who uses the word "dong"? If you want to be hip to the lingo, they're not using the word "dong" up in the States.'

It’s always consoling to know that today’s Christmas gifts are tomorrow’s garage sales.

Do you remember Barbara Bush? I call her the silver douchebag.

If you got a name like Barack Obama, you're supposed to fight.