Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 160
A whale is killing people in SeaWorld. That's not funny but the headlines were funny: 'Killer Whale Kills.' What the hell do you think a killer whale's going to do? If you go to Brooklyn and see somebody named Killer Mike you don't think he'd give you no roses.
The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was the quarter from behind the ear gag. He would never put the time in.
Some people like to keep their grass cut really short, so they can see the intruders coming. Keep those kill zones open. I say let the grass grow tall so they don't know there's a house behind it. Some call it lazy, I say it's thinking.
You'd got a baseball game, or a football game, basketball game, "USA! USA! USA!" Hey, calm down! Got a little German on it, don't you think?
I’m doing a roast as if the roast was pure rage and I wasn’t there to kid.
Spelling is difficult because there are too many rules. Silent letters only exist to make it harder for illegal immigrants to learn English.
I don't know any comedian who tailors his act to his audience. Maybe people say they do, but I can't even imagine them.
There’s just something about when kids do something, it’s always going to be funny, because kids grow up. Nobody doesn’t grow up, and whatever you do as a kid usually isn’t considered amazing when you’re an adult. A baby changing its own diaper, you’d be like, “That baby is a fucking genius.” But when he’s 27, you’re like, “He shouldn’t be wearing diapers anymore.”
You might be a redneck if you've ever used a weed eater indoors.
Men read maps better than women because only men can understand the concept of an inch equaling a hundred miles.
My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.
We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free.
In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.