Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 169
Every time a friend of mine has a kid I go over to the crib and say, "You know, I used to hold your father’s head while he threw up."
We’re a spoiled, lazy culture, full of ethnic pride that has to have a parade for every nationality.
Want to shut a racist white guy's mouth. Put him around Super human athletic black dudes.
Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.
I’m very arrogant and mean. I’m almost like a bad guy professional wrestler.
People spend thousands of dollars trying to keep their teeth straight. I just hope we can live in a world where we accept gay teeth.
It's worse than dog eats dog. It's dog doesn't return dog's phone calls.
Michael Jackson's charity efforts? Mmm. I'm sure they have nothing to do with his molestation charges.
The Left believes in cradle to the grave assistance, it’s just sometimes really tricky making it to the cradle.
I'm completely changing my diet. My nutritionist recommends I must now stop eating food I have already eliminated.
What happens is fucking say you can do the joke, but what they're going to do is take your beautiful broth and dump a pillowcase full of flour into it. Then, they say you can still have your broth, but it's not so good anymore, and ultimately it's the people who get the crappy soup because they're worried about the one guy who is allergic to it and not the rest of us.