Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 169

You know you’re black motherfucka when you put fingerprints on charcoal.

You can measure distance by time. "How far away is it?" "Oh about 20 minutes." But it doesn't work the other way. "When do you get off work?" "Around 3 miles."

If you think the stock market has a fence around it, you might be a redneck.

I love that red wine is good for you. Isn't that cool? I want to hear more of this. I want to hear more things in life like, "Red wine, in conjunction with a lap dance, while watching NFL football, is the best cardiovascular workout you can have."

The language you are about to hear... is disturbing.

Sharks attack surfers because they look like a seal. Apparently, when you’re layng on your board and you have your arms and legs hanging off, from underneath you look like a seal. So I just got a picture of a seal and put a red line through it and put it underneath my board.

I think clever people think that poor people are stupid.

Religion and philosophy, philosophy and religion - they're two words which are both... different. In spelling.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back "I know."

It’s hard to know what’s gay in life. Boxing. That’s two men fighting over a belt.

I never told a joke in my life.

We live in a country where John Lennon takes eight bullets, Yoko Ono is walking right beside him and not one hits her. Explain that to me!

The other kid we have she's a girl and she's four. And she's also a fuckin' asshole. It's true man, I'm serious. I say that with no remorse. Fucking asshole, she's a douchebag. She is! Fucking jerk.

The Bible, I've said it before, is a beautifully written work of fiction.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.