Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 170
My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.
If you're going to stop masturbating, you can't "taper off." You've got to quit, cold jerky!
I tend to eat pretty healthy, though, and I work out - I work out hard.
The thing I don't understand about homosexuals is, how do they decide which one is the one who's supposed to pretend they don't want it?
And people get so weird about mental illness, you follow the rules! You don’t up a heart patient on a roller coaster, you don’t put a mental patient on a hunting trip with you!
One of my friends goes: "So, you know what really turns me on; when girls talk dirty in bed." Yeah I tried that with my wife. I said: "Hey, talk dirty to me." She said: "Go fuck yourself". Not that dirty.
I think all the knowledge and all the travels that I've done, I'm going to do a lot of great work in the future.
God does not hate gay people. He's just mad because they found a loophole in His system.
I knew that drinking and doing stand-up was going to make me less of an effective comedian. And I just had a lot invested in wanting to be a really good comedian and so I stopped for that reason.
You can’t be comfortable in whatever that societal group is – kindergarten, school, basketball, whatever. You have to have an outsider point of view.
When you think of the former high school football star, you think 6-foot-2, white, meathead as the model for that kind of character. Since I'm not 6-foot-2 or white, I just thought about what I could bring to it. I thought about Smash Williams from 'Friday Night Lights,' like the cocky quarterback, and played around with that.
Money comes and goes. I'm thankful I have money. I'm trying to save up more. I would like more money. But it's not happiness. If you're a millionaire and hate your family, hate your friends and your life, then what is the point? You're just a person with a lot of money and power who is not happy.