Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 170
Colin Farrel was recently asked about prostitutes and he said, "It's like ordering a pizza." Really? What restaurant is he going to? All I ever get is a pizza... I guess in some ways it is - when it’s delivered, it's never quite as hot as you hoped it would be.
We’re a spoiled, lazy culture, full of ethnic pride that has to have a parade for every nationality.
Consider the rose... The rose is the sweetest smelling flower of all, and it's the most beautiful because it's the most simple, right? But sometimes, you got to clip the rose. You got to cut the rose back, so something sweeter smelling and stronger, and even more beautiful, will grow in its place.
I feel stupid when I write the word banana. Its like, how many na's are on this thing? 'Cause I'm like "Bana... keep going. Bananana... damn."
Abortion is an atrocity. Those who practice or praise it are either damn idiots, misguided fools, or treacherous devils.
You know, the energy I think I was just born with. I think I was just always like that as I kid; I was always real energetic.
Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn't even the star of his own Halloween special.
I’m very arrogant and mean. I’m almost like a bad guy professional wrestler.
A quick way to start a conversation is to say something like "What's your favorite color?" A quick way to end a conversation is to say something like "What's your favorite color... person?"
When you consider the overpopulation in this world... homosexuality is completely underrated in this society.
I knew that drinking and doing stand-up was going to make me less of an effective comedian. And I just had a lot invested in wanting to be a really good comedian and so I stopped for that reason.
That's one thing nobody ever bitching about in a restaurant - parsley. You never see some indignant customer: "Waiter, please! Can we get a little more parsley over here?"
And if I die early the situation will be auto-erotic asphyxiation, I hate my life and it hates me back!
I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.