Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 168
Shooting clay pigeons, I think, yeah, go for that. Shooting clay, clay pigeons are fuckers! Come round your house, whiz through, "fwhooo, fwhooo, fwhooo!" They do nothing.. they don't even eat... flies!
That's the thing about jazz: it's free flowing, it comes from your soul.
My mother is old, but she jokes around. She lives in a senior living home. After a certain age some people don’t like joking. They take her sarcasm the wrong way. I get that from my family. Everybody talks over each other. The first time I took my wife to my family reunion, she said, “I don’t know what’s going on. I can’t do this!”
Who knew that the devil had a factory where he made millions of fossils, which his minions distributed throughout the earth, in order to confuse my tiny brain?
We live in a country where John Lennon takes eight bullets, Yoko Ono is walking right beside him and not one hits her. Explain that to me!
Try to catch a trout and experience the glorious feeling of letting it go and seeing it swimming away.
I'm not motivated to entertain people through Twitter, so just by having Twitter and not saying anything, I make people mad.
If you're going to stop masturbating, you can't "taper off." You've got to quit, cold jerky!
It's like a dream coming true. So when you actually accomplish it, you almost don't know how to react. You imagined you'd run up and down the street screaming, but you're just stunned instead. Like, 'Is this real?'
I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
A whale is killing people in SeaWorld. That's not funny but the headlines were funny: 'Killer Whale Kills.' What the hell do you think a killer whale's going to do? If you go to Brooklyn and see somebody named Killer Mike you don't think he'd give you no roses.