Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 172
I’ve been on a cruise ship that’s crashed. The captain comes on, “I want you to know that the ship is taking on a little water.” You mean we’re sinking. A guy bringing on a case of Evian, that’s taking on a little water.
My mother is old, but she jokes around. She lives in a senior living home. After a certain age some people don’t like joking. They take her sarcasm the wrong way. I get that from my family. Everybody talks over each other. The first time I took my wife to my family reunion, she said, “I don’t know what’s going on. I can’t do this!”
Why is there a Bible in the Courtroom? Isn't that why we're here in the first place? Somebody is lying.
My son I worry about. I'm pretty sure he's gonna be gay. At this point I'm just hoping he's not a bottom. Sorry to sound closed-minded and uptight, but let's face it, no dad wants his son to be gay. Not only do you get no grandkids, but I'm sure high school is no picnic for a fifteen-year-old gay boy. On the other hand, maybe I'm just viewing this through the bifocals of an old heterosexual dude. The way things are going, my son will probably get his ass kicked for not being gay. "Carolla thinks he's too good to suck cock. Come on boys, lets get him."
If you look at the Bible and you look at Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, we all know who sinned first. Ladies, do you have to eat everything?
It's like a dream coming true. So when you actually accomplish it, you almost don't know how to react. You imagined you'd run up and down the street screaming, but you're just stunned instead. Like, 'Is this real?'
I read something in the paper that really confused me the other day. It said that 80 percent of the people in New York are minorities... Shouldn't you not call them minorities when they get to be 80 percent of the population? That's a very white attitude, don't you think? I mean, you could take a white guy to Africa and he'd be like 'Look at all the minorities around here! I'm the only majority.'
A rich man is one who isn't afraid to ask the salesperson to show him something cheaper.
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
Money comes and goes. I'm thankful I have money. I'm trying to save up more. I would like more money. But it's not happiness. If you're a millionaire and hate your family, hate your friends and your life, then what is the point? You're just a person with a lot of money and power who is not happy.
I'm completely changing my diet. My nutritionist recommends I must now stop eating food I have already eliminated.
If you do something and people think you're stupid, just go for crazy. You get more respect that way because nobody likes stupid people.
Maybe Bill Maher should just practice his monologue a few times before the show, so he wouldn’t find it so hilarious. But I kid the asshole.