Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 173

It got very tedious saying the same jokes in the same way with the same attitude.

Both are salty, one will give me carpal tunnel, I’ll go with the fries.

My son I worry about. I'm pretty sure he's gonna be gay. At this point I'm just hoping he's not a bottom. Sorry to sound closed-minded and uptight, but let's face it, no dad wants his son to be gay. Not only do you get no grandkids, but I'm sure high school is no picnic for a fifteen-year-old gay boy. On the other hand, maybe I'm just viewing this through the bifocals of an old heterosexual dude. The way things are going, my son will probably get his ass kicked for not being gay. "Carolla thinks he's too good to suck cock. Come on boys, lets get him."

That's a very white attitude. You can take a white guy to Africa, and he'd be like, 'Look at all the minorities they got over here. Jesus!'

You watch a fishing show. At the end, they roll credits. There's 90 people involved with these two guys fishing! What the hell are they all doing? And one of the credits is 'film editor.' This poor guy, he's got to watch all the footage that's not exciting enough to make it into the final product.

The musical number for Crash was one of the most depressing things I've ever seen. And not because it was about racism, but because it was horrible... and about racism.

We live in a three dimensional plane. Life is on the third planet from the sun not the second. Ain't nobody lying on a piece of paper looking at each other.

I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.

You can’t be comfortable in whatever that societal group is – kindergarten, school, basketball, whatever. You have to have an outsider point of view.

The Bible, I've said it before, is a beautifully written work of fiction.

Happiness sets me up for needless despondency.

This world is bullshit. And just because I appear in music video wherein I am in my underwear, and make young women feel not good enough so that they become anorxeic; and okay, maybe because of that I became popular more quickly than other singers who are, I don't know, maybe more talented or better songwriters. That doesn't matter because, and... um... my boyfriend is a magician, and he can pull a quarter out of your ear and say things like 'We have not met before have we?' Go with yourself.

Liquor prohibition led to the rise of organized crime in America, and drug prohibition has led to the rise of the gang problems we have now.

If men have a smell it's usually an accident.

My wife and I want to try swapping. We want to go to one of those key parties where you put your keys in a bowl. But we just want to upgrade our car.