Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 173

And she showed me her boobies and I like them too!

I miss my wife's cooking - as often as I can.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

Twitter is a lot like crystal meth, because it's really fun to do and Oprah's on it.

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.

There are so many opportunities that I could've gotten before if I had just took a little more of a risk.

Whever you see the word cuisine used instead of the word food, be prepared to pay an additional eighty percent.

My son I worry about. I'm pretty sure he's gonna be gay. At this point I'm just hoping he's not a bottom. Sorry to sound closed-minded and uptight, but let's face it, no dad wants his son to be gay. Not only do you get no grandkids, but I'm sure high school is no picnic for a fifteen-year-old gay boy. On the other hand, maybe I'm just viewing this through the bifocals of an old heterosexual dude. The way things are going, my son will probably get his ass kicked for not being gay. "Carolla thinks he's too good to suck cock. Come on boys, lets get him."

Ya know, if you treat every comic the way you treated me tonight, you would never see a bad show.

We live in a country where John Lennon takes eight bullets, Yoko Ono is walking right beside him and not one hits her. Explain that to me!

It wasn't a cutdown to call someone a Mexican. It would kill my career to refer to someone as Mexican today. It's like calling me an American.

I never played music, but it's an important thing... the studying, the inspiration.

I think Twitter is really great for those comics that are good with the one-liners. The thing about the Internet is that there are so many different things you can do, as a comic, to get yourself out there. It could be YouTube, it could be Twitter, it could be blogging. On the Internet, it's like I have my own little store. I have a bunch of YouTube videos up, and it's like, 'Check out these videos and if you like what I do, come check me out and if not... no harm, no foul.'

They give you a hotel room; you have sex. What is it about a hotel room, the second you walk in, you start bumpin', makin' sandwiches? As soon as you get in the room - she walks in; the guy shuts the door, turns around with a crazy look in his eye: 'Close the drapes.'

New York has always been a sense of eclectic kind of freedom and expression on a lot of different levels.