Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 197
It’s better to play to the host as though in a real conversation and let the audience listen in- which they are.
Men can’t buy makeup. So they have to buy something else. It’s called a Porsche.
What a curse it must be being a bisexual. Can you imagine wanting to fuck everybody you meet?!
We had our family tree done... turns out I'm a quarter gay on my father's side.
When I die, if the word "thong" appears in the first or second sentence of my obituary, I've screwed up.
If my wife has too much to drink at a party, starts yapping a little too much, I don't have to say anything... three little leg squeezes, she knows that means 'Put a sock in it, drunkie, time for you to wrap it up.' Somebody didn't have dinner like I suggested, now you're spouting off at the mouth divulging all the family secrets. You need to pipe down or we've got to fucking leave.
I have to say something about people, even when it's somebody like Michael Jackson. I have to say something about a little dude who runs around the country wearing one glove and singing "Beat It!"
I gotta lose weight. I got stretch marks on my stomach and I never had a baby. So now when I take off my shirt in front of women, I tell them I was attacked by a mountain lion.
A mom and dad found an S&M magazine under their 10-year-old son's bed, and the dad said, ''Well, we sure can't spank him.''
“But evolution is only a theory!” Which is true. I mean, it is only a theory, it’s good that they say that. I think, it gives you hope, doesn’t it? That… that maybe they feel the same way about the theory of gravity, and they might just float the fuck away.
These are all dreams. These are all things we want to have. (to man in audience) If I could grant you a power, any power, what would you want? Anything right now? "Dah, Jesus." You want to be Jesus? God you're such an egotistical prick. He thinks he's Jesus. Ah, Jesus. I'd love to cover him with spaghetti right now. Pppptthhh! Enjoy your spaghetti, you're very egotistical. Ahhh, Christ. Not you.
You were an altar boy, right? No wonder you're so angry. Show me on Kiefer Sutherland where the priest touched you.
Once when Larry the Cable Guy was on Conan’s show, Conan O’Brien was so offended by Larry’s material, he had to walk away from the desk he was so offended.
More details coming out about Michael Jackson. It seems his 13-year-old accuser testified before a grand jury that Michael had seven locks on his bedroom door. See, what happened was whenever Michael would install one lock, the kid would grow an inch taller, and he’d have to put in another one, and then another one, and then another one.