Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 197
They think globally but act locally, which is part of my t-shirt philosophy course that I teach in Brooklyn.
I think anybody that protests at a comedy club is too easy. If you have problems and issues, you need to go to the White House and complain to Congress. Don’t come to a comedy club and bitch. That’s too easy.
I don't like conservatives. They always talk about the "good old days". I'm black, we have no "good old days".
Twitter and Facebook and MySpace; all that stuff makes you warped. We've all basically given ourselves data entry jobs. I've actually heard people say things like, “Aw shit, I have to update my Twitter.” Really? You have to? That's a big priority for you?
My cell phone fell off my lap. I was reaching for it in the back.
Stand up straight. If you stand up straight, you will instantly feel better about yourself, and you will project a better image to the world, one that says you don't feel like you have to be hunched over and closed off.
They're not the sharpest people - babies. So, you must be everything to them.
Through the years, I have learned there is no harm in charging oneself up with delusions between moments of valid inspiration.
We had one idiot put a bomb in a shoe, and now everybody's got to take their shoes off? Where's the bra bomber at? I say, if we've gotta wait in line, let's make it fun for everybody.
Green Eggs and Ham was the story of my life. I wouldn't eat a thing when I was a kid, but Dr. Suess inspired me to try cauliflower.
You know when I'm down to my socks it's time for business. That's why they're called business socks. It's business, it's business time.
Taking down the Christmas tree makes it feel official: time to get back to joyless and cynical.
I remember on Thanksgiving all the kids wanted the drumstick. There were four of us then. Well, today you can go into the supermarket and get 12 drumsticks. Years ago you couldn't do that. So I was sucking on the neck for two years. My mother told me it was the leg, and I believed it. I went to my father and said, "Why is my leg always cockeyed?" He said, "The bird has arthritis."