Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 197
When Ronal Reagan got Alzheimer’s disease, how could they tell?
Why is there a Bible in the Courtroom? Isn't that why we're here in the first place? Somebody is lying.
Why can't a heterosexual guy tell a heterosexual guy that he thinks his booty is fly?
Stop waiting on a nigga to verify wether you the shit or not. Bitch if you the shit, You the Motherfucking Shit!
I'm not motivated to entertain people through Twitter, so just by having Twitter and not saying anything, I make people mad.
I used to ask my father, "Can we go on vacation?" He'd say, "Yeah, on the fire escape." One day I was out there when it was raining, and I banged on the fire escape. He said, "I can't hear you, you're on vacation." Then he'd ask, "Do you really want to go on vacation? O. K. The Whole family will go, pack your bag." In those days they had little cowboy bags. I put my shirt in and - we went into the yard. The yard! He said, "Isn't it wonderful that you are here, in India?" I looked at my father like he was cracking up. He said, "It was a wonderful trip on that boat." I said, "This isn't India." He said, "If I say you're in India, you're in India."
The only people who like to live alone more than comics are priests.
You ever be having a really good dream, and then, uh- right in the middle of the dream you wake up, right in the best part of the dream? And there you are, back in your stinkin' life again? Man, that's rough, eh?
You know what's weird about plane crashes is that you watch it on the news and they say the people have to be identified by their dental records. 'Cause if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
I'm sorry and ashamed to report that I'm not actually a Jew. I was pretending to be a Jew to minimize the holocaust.
What is dirty? And what is clean? Now, if I had to make a choice, man, I would rather my kid watch a stag movie than a clean movie like King of Kings. Why? Because King of Kings is full of killing and I don't want my kid to kill Christ when he comes back.
This movie will actually increase the sex life of parents everywhere because they can put this on, with the 45 minutes of extras and they've got almost two hours to do whatever they've got to do while the kids watch the movie.